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honestly when i'm 30 enjoying life and having a quiet night i'm gonna remember "Having Lost You" and curl into a ball... like it's such a well written piece and it breaks my heart
I still feel really guilty about that fic but also I always kinda wonder how it reads to other people? Especially ones who didn’t initially know the ending because I had it in my head from the beginning. LIKE... WHAT DO YOU GUYS FEEL? I feel so sad.
Having lost you
3 months have passed since the last time I saw you. The night you took the boxes wasn’t the last, instead, we sat over a coffee on our favorite block in the city in the middle of May and discussed where life was leading us. You felt the need for closure, apologizing for “the way things ended.” I shrugged, unsure of what you meant by it, not really wanting to divulge what the truth behind those words was. Things about you had risen after you left, people became more honest once my attachment to you weakened. You will never know that I know what you said about me, did to me. They are my secrets to carry as a security blanket for the ending of our story. You got accepted into the graduate program you were hoping for which meant a move across the country, one that I never saw coming. After our coffees dried on the rims of our cups and we had milked the conversation for all it had you stood up. You mention something about getting home before traffic got too heavy and I struggled to not think too much about the fact this was our final goodbyes.
The ring you had chosen for me was one I had saved on a Pinterest page years ago. I am not supposed to know you took out a loan to buy it for me and I’ll never understand why you didn’t use this information as ammunition in our arguments. But I’ll never wear it, so I guess it’s no longer mine. I saw the box in your drawer a month before you left and wondered whether I would have said yes.
I moved out of the apartment we shared into a studio in the part of town you never wanted to live in but has better walkability than the one you chose. Sometimes my heart feels as if it’s being shredded to pieces and I can’t fathom what I’ve done to warrant the loss of a love like you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just chose to do nothing at all. You chose to let me go, without a fight at all. How much it hurts now to see that my love wasn’t something you felt was worth struggling, pushing, trying for.
Then I catch glimmers of myself in a reflection or a mirror and I see a person breathing and becoming someone you never allowed me to be. Our friends chose you, as they most often do, but I’m coming to terms with letting that go. Lonely is something I felt with you, this emotion I feel is not loneliness. This is learning to let you go, the pieces in me you shaped, the emotions you hate, I let it all go now.
I’m reading more sappy poetry and letting myself lean into the belief that I deserve a night of goodnight kisses and kitchen messes and being loved through my fuck ups.
The last time I saw you, I freed myself of never feeling like enough.
okay different anon but Having Lost You is also my favorite fic of yours and I just finished reading it again today. It doesn't hurt any less, its still heart-wrenching in all the best ways no matter how many times I read it. So fucking good my dude
God, it still fucking messes me up that you would even reread my writing, much less that fic which hurt so bad to write so I’m assuming it’s unpleasant to read. I don’t even know what would drive you to do that to yourself. But wow, wow, thank you so much for this message and it made me feel so happy.
Hi Having Lost You is my favourite fan fiction ever, I have read it four times and sobbed towards the end of chapter 3 and the end itself all times. I just wanted to let you know I fucking love it so much and its impact on me. Have a nice day!
Thank you so, so, so much for writing me! I’m so happy you like it enough to read it FOUR TIMES! Especially because it’s really effing depressing. I hope you have a nice day too and once again thank you for writing me.
hey there! I just wanted to say that I read "having lost you" the other night and was crying silent tears of despair at like 5:30am, it was that good. the ending was heart-wrenchingly beautiful and all of it was SO well-written. if the feeling ever strikes you to write a futuretake when they're together again and happy, know that I will be on that story so fast, you have no idea. thanks for being such a good storyteller !
Oh my gosh!!! I’m so sorry to hurt you but I’m so honored that you stayed up to read my fic and seemed to have really liked it... wow. This is so, so sweet and made me smile so big, thank you for reminding me that my writing is still a part of people’s lives and I still get to make people happy even though the show is over. You’re the best <3
hi! i recently read your fic having lost you and i really enjoyed it, you're an amazing author, but I'm dying to know, where are stiles and lydia going to be 5-10 years in the future? are they together? are they happy? do they have pets or kids? do they live in the yellow house? i just need to know so i can go to sleep at night lmao!
Well, HLY can kinda end however you want it to, but as far as what I picture for their future... no kids, because at this point they’re in their 40s. But yes, they’re together and happy.
God, I wonder what that was like for them, though. The summer after Andrew left for college... did Lydia show up at Stiles’ house? Did he call her on the phone? Did they talk a year in advance and figure out a place to meet?
