No title available
tumblr dot com
tannertan36
PR's Tumblrdome
izzy's playlists!
The Bright Sessions
đ
Jimmy Eat World
Doug Jones
shark vs the universe
taylor price
Cosimo Galluzzi
⣠Chile in a Photography âŁ
ojovivo
d e v o n
romaâ
Today's Document
YOU ARE THE REASON
Sweet Seals For You, Always
bliss lane
seen from Singapore
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Ukraine
seen from Mexico
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Netherlands
seen from Malaysia
seen from Ukraine
seen from India
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from TĂźrkiye
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Colombia
seen from United States
@rememberingwhatwehad
âIf there is ever, even for a fleeting moment, a tiny voice in your head, and that tiny voice is telling you, "I deserve better", listen to her. Thatâs your partner. Thatâs your real, true love. And if you betray her long enough, you will lose her.â You (S03E10)
Having lost you
3 months have passed since the last time I saw you. The night you took the boxes wasnât the last, instead, we sat over a coffee on our favorite block in the city in the middle of May and discussed where life was leading us. You felt the need for closure, apologizing for âthe way things ended.â I shrugged, unsure of what you meant by it, not really wanting to divulge what the truth behind those words was. Things about you had risen after you left, people became more honest once my attachment to you weakened. You will never know that I know what you said about me, did to me. They are my secrets to carry as a security blanket for the ending of our story. You got accepted into the graduate program you were hoping for which meant a move across the country, one that I never saw coming. After our coffees dried on the rims of our cups and we had milked the conversation for all it had you stood up. You mention something about getting home before traffic got too heavy and I struggled to not think too much about the fact this was our final goodbyes.
The ring you had chosen for me was one I had saved on a Pinterest page years ago. I am not supposed to know you took out a loan to buy it for me and Iâll never understand why you didnât use this information as ammunition in our arguments. But Iâll never wear it, so I guess itâs no longer mine. I saw the box in your drawer a month before you left and wondered whether I would have said yes.
I moved out of the apartment we shared into a studio in the part of town you never wanted to live in but has better walkability than the one you chose. Sometimes my heart feels as if itâs being shredded to pieces and I canât fathom what Iâve done to warrant the loss of a love like you. You didnât do anything wrong. You just chose to do nothing at all. You chose to let me go, without a fight at all. How much it hurts now to see that my love wasnât something you felt was worth struggling, pushing, trying for.
Then I catch glimmers of myself in a reflection or a mirror and I see a person breathing and becoming someone you never allowed me to be. Our friends chose you, as they most often do, but Iâm coming to terms with letting that go. Lonely is something I felt with you, this emotion I feel is not loneliness. This is learning to let you go, the pieces in me you shaped, the emotions you hate, I let it all go now.
Iâm reading more sappy poetry and letting myself lean into the belief that I deserve a night of goodnight kisses and kitchen messes and being loved through my fuck ups.
The last time I saw you, I freed myself of never feeling like enough.
Are you the one saying, "I miss my ex but don't want him back"?
The Worst Person in the World (Joachim Trier, 2021)
letting you go
It came not in a raging fury but as a soft, gentle snowfall. The pieces fell apart slowly, the conversation so kind I almost forgot its message. I stayed at a friend's house for a few nights while you picked up the cardboard boxes from Uhaul and slowly packed your things away. I canât say I feel much, if anything at all. The gradual weight of losing you bears its grip on my shoulders and gets heavier day by day. You called and asked me to come work through your final pile, that there were some items that might be mine, and you wondered if I wanted them. When you showed up at the apartment that night and your key hit the lock I no longer held my breath. Instead, the tidal river of everything I had wanted you to be for me hit me in a rage. No longer a gentle cry but a scream, no longer a woman who holds her breath over the fear of a man but one who doesnât understand why you couldnât fucking try.
Sitting in that apartment we looked at each other through color-changing lenses losing their rosy tint and turning into the color of strangers. You started your sentence with an apology but I stopped before you could explain what you were sorry for. I donât think you truly knew because there wasnât one thing. Itâs the worst way to lose a love, not in a catastrophic closing of doors, abandonment or betrayal, hatred for what they have done. No, in a way of two souls just drifting apart. The love was not strong enough to hold our lives on a parallel path any longer. I accept the beer you offer me and we slouch in front of the pile you couldnât process yourself. All angles of the items remind me of what we were losing.
By the end of the evening, we were mixing our drunk laughing with plastered crying remembering the time we burnt our skin to a crisp on our first vacation, images in hand to remind us of the red. The name tag of the kitten we fostered hung on the collar we kept, I let you have that. I allowed myself to steal glances of you and reminded myself that this love was not always held breaths and lonely nights. We were firey love at first sight.
Silence hung itself over the taped-up boxes and our final pile of shit had been sorted. You swirled your melted ice into your whisky and threw it back. Reaching for my hand, I let you hold it, one last moment of our warmth together. You whisper something like, âIâll always love you.â But the buzzing in my ears from too many beers makes it hard to understand. I donât allow myself to speak the words back. After waiting in silence for as many hours as we could make excuses for you stand up, plant a kiss on my forehead on the way up to your feet, and grab up the box.
You left the key on the counter and told me to get a good sleep.
There's a difference between a partner who is acting distant because they need some space, and someone who's acting distant because they're
