I’m not exactly sure how entirely personal I’m willing to get here, considering its still a public place. I’ll play it by ear for now, but there's something heavy on my heart and I need an outlet. (Also, here's a photo of me in 2018 at my smallest, around 140 lbs, please let me mention that it was at the peak of my depressive experience. In Cuba on a bae-cation I had no business being on, with a girl who had no business being in a romantic or monogamous relationship lol [bless her though, I think she did her best with what she thought she had to do, or I can only hope that was the case..]) LET’S TALK TRIGGERS AND DEEP WOUNDS
Yesterday night I was with one of my partners. I think its important to mention that she is a woman, so I’ll lead with that. We’re still very much in the stage of getting to know each other beyond the surface level. I often like to ask about sweet and important memories when I’m at this stage with a lover. We had an hour or so where we were both going through our camera rolls playing show and tell with some of our favourite and most scandalous captured moments and the stories behind them. A lot of my stories had to do with my first moments of adulthood, not too long ago. terribly awkward date nights, club nights, house parties etc.. Now, there’s clearly a difference between how I looked in say 2017 and 2018, and now. I’m in my mid 140s to low 150s. I’m dolled up, makeup done up, weaves, braids, wigs and a lot of other things I used to hide how deeply unhappy I was. Even in 2017 I wasn’t as naive as a lot of people took me for. I understood how the world works and that you’re more desirable when you’re skinny and pretty and well put together. My lover is in sheer disbelief looking at some of these photos, and claims that she wouldn’t feel worthy walking next to me because of how beautiful I look in these photos. Then she proceeds to ask me verbatim “how come you don’t get dressed up like this with me?” I almost immediately defended myself and said “we met during a lockdown. Where am I getting dressed up going?” and then jokingly laughed it off. She says after that I can get dressed up anyway. I guess we were both laughing at it in the moment but I could feel myself shutting down and I went home very soon after. At this point I'm triggered because it isn’t the first time a woman has asked me this. The woman who took this photo of me in Cuba, 2018, would ask me the same thing sometimes. (but its like where are you even taking me for me to look cute? to the club? you Toronto lesbians need to do BETTER.) All I’ve ever wanted was to genuinely be loved and accepted for exactly who I am, and all my quirks (and reasonable imperfections - behavioural slips not included lol) I think that’s a very human desire. In that moment it hurt to think that she had been more excited to see a past version of me than the present. It hurt me to think that I had to be dolled up to that degree, and 30 lbs lighter to be worthy of that sort of attention, validity and affirmation. It hurt me to think that version of me that had little to no self worth, that binge drank along with other truly unhealthy habits, the version of me that felt the need to have a full face on to leave the house was more desirable to her than the current version, who has worked on self worth, stands firmly in her beliefs, fights for independence and freedom, is altruistic, empathetic and can still lay down a good boundary, and maybe has a few extra pounds on. It just hurt. Maybe it wasn’t meant to cut that deep, but apart of my journey of emotional transparency is to not only be honest with others, but myself as well. I’m hurt, and it cut deep. I don’t want anyone waiting around for me to be pretty, or dolled up, or waiting for me to be 30 plus pounds lighter so they can truly desire or value me then. The first time I dropped down to 155, the amount of attention I got was so out of pocket. I didn’t exactly know how to navigate being desirable, since I had never been “conventionally” beautiful before that point. If you don’t desire this version of me, and you’re more interested in my physical potential, or photos of me taken years ago, then please understand that I am not interested. Not in the slightest. I am not seeking who is seeking a version of me that no longer exists. If so, next. please.