The First Cycle: Exchange
Later that same night I got some texts about how she “felt empty” and “would never be the same.”
The next morning, when I was at the beach with my family, more texts. She was making fun of her dramatics from the night before, and asked if I could call her later that night. I did, and we had a nice normal conversation about immigration and movies and actors.
I must admit I was pretty smitten at that point, and even talked to my therapist friend Headbeard about how it would work if she and I got married… he was kind enough to play the shrink and let me think through the whole process until I could see for myself how much of a bad idea it was/is… I think this is 90% of a good therapist’s job.
And then after more chit chat over text, I get this email
2am stream of consciousness....zzzzzzz....
A piece of me is torn out. It belongs to you now I left it there bleeding on the wet pavement When I walked away. I wonder if you noticed it And if you stopped to pick it up If you stood there looking at it after I had gone. I wonder what you did with it since there was no place for it inside you. I wonder if a piece of you came with me I felt it pulling when you let me go and I looked for it. I thought I felt it trying to fit the empty place As I drove away I think I’d like to keep it. If it’s ok with you. I don't think it has to mean anything. It just means that you can live inside of me and I'm ok with it. I'm happy to have you there. And I'll take you out sometimes and look at you and you will feel like a letter from home And look like the night on a dark river and smell like blackberries and the rain You will be a reminder that we never really leave the people we love. Never really. ....and if you ever need a kidney you can have one of mine. =) Thanks for being a "kindred spirit"
-[NAME REDACTED]
(I have a hereditary kidney problem, that’s what the end bit is all about) My response:
I hear the crickets outside my room at night, and I wonder how you are.
Her reply:
Something happened to me while I was away and my old life doesn't seem to fit as well as it did. It sags around the corners and threatens to fall off. I feel thirsty. I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life thirsting.
Four days later she tells me about Little Lady-J’s first day of school:
[NAME REDACTED]- Here are some pictures of cuteness such as you've never seen before and are unlikely to see again. I'm pretty lucky that I get to see said cuteness everyday. To celebrate the fact that she survived her first day in first grade we went to [LOCATION REDACTED] for icecream....and chocolate. That was for me. Well, the icecream was for her, the chocolate was for me. After all, I survived her first day of school too. Anyway, I hope things are going well for you. Things here are good. Take care of yourself, [NAME REDACTED] ( For those of you analyzing human nature...this is where [NAME REDACTED] should have stopped. Notice that, ignoring all propriety and common sense, she continues on.) Ps. So, listen...there are things I want to say to you (nothing inappropriate, don't worry) but I'm fully aware of the admonition of James concerning the tongue. In fact, I think he was talking about me when he said "For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue ([NAME REDACTED] can't) tame." Your reticence does you credit, and because of it I've no idea if you would rather have left our friendship alone after last Sunday night. I see no reason to assume that just because I felt a connection with you, you felt one with me also. I can't read people, which is why I'm so outspoken about the way I feel. I like to spare people the necessity of having to read me. (Heaven knows, there's no one capable of navigating that maze. =) ) Anyway, I hope that you will tell me if you feel uncomfortable about talking to me, or writing to me, or being my friend. And that you will tell me if you prefer that I keep what I would like to say to you to myself. By the way, James said something about you, too. see James 3: 13 and 17
At this point I’m intrigued and kind of scared. I spend a couple of days thinking what a married woman could mean by “connection”… I then decide I’ve taken this as far as I’ll let myself. I write her back:
Dear [NAME REDACTED], Nothing of what I'm about to say has been easy for me to write. But I have to tell you that no part of me is able to be friends with you in a manner befitting your marital status. Moreover, I fear the same is true of your feelings for me. Whatever the strength of the mutual connection we feel, and however much I feel for you, I am forced to accept two basic facts. Although we have spent some quality time together, ultimately we don't know each other that well, and as much as I'd like to change that, the second fact prohibits me from trying. Is it possible that this is just infatuation? I believe it is possible. But I must say again, there is no recourse for me even if it were more than that. The reality of the situation is this: you are a married woman. You have taken vows and are living under them. If my wife (should I ever have one) were saying and writing things to another man that you have said and written to me I would find it inappropriate and unacceptable. And so, as much as I want to, I cannot accept them from you. Whatever part of you that is left to offer me, if you gave it, I would want more, and I would surely want you to have more of me. This is the slippery slope I've already fallen into... I see no graceful way to exit. And so I'm left with the memory of the beautiful, intelligent, and intriguing woman I've admired from afar for the past 13 years. This is all you can be to me, and it pains me to think of it, because this memento does mean something to me. I will cherish it always. My thoughts and prayers will silently be with you and your family, always. ...goodbye
-[NAME REDACTED]
Of course she couldn’t leave things at that. She had to write back…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pte3Jg-2Ax4
