IT'S GABIYUI DAY ❤️❤️❤️
as such I have written yet another angsty gabiyui fic
how can I be guilty as sin (gabiyui fic)
summary: Those who cling to life cannot triumph over the dead, and if loving Yui was a grave sin, then Gabimaru the Hollow would be branded a traitor of his own ninja way for doing so.
themes: romance, angst, arranged marriage, non-explicit nsfw, swearing, violence (but not much)
When Gabimaru got married, he couldn't understand why people around him were asking him tales of his new life as a husband. And no, it wasn't just about details whether his wife does the chores diligently or is obedient to all his orders. They would sometimes ask him about his sex life, much to his dismay.
He didn't understand how they could find enjoyment in knowing his bedroom affairs with his wife or with the others, in general. After all, sex is... well, sex. There's nothing so fascinating about doing the deed. In Iwagakure, it was just an act to produce more ninjas and nothing more. All married couples do it. Some rich assholes pay women to have the experience. He even had missions where the husband would sneak away to meet up with a paramour and take on the night like it's their own.
And because of this particular disinterest, he has never done the deed with his wife.
Yui actually anticipated Gabimaru would be a bit curious, would do his duty as her husband, and touch her in ways she couldn't imagine on their wedding night. Days before their marriage were nights when Yui would convince herself not to cry about the loss of her virginity. It's okay, she whispers to herself. He's your husband. You must do your duty as his wife. So she prepared herself, prayed to all gods out there to guide her before she finally lost that one thing she held dear to a man she barely knew.
That was the plan until Gabimaru put out the flame of the candle, reached out to her cheek, kissed her neck, and then pulled away. Yui questioned his act, only for him to tell her that he was Hollow, unfeeling of such emotions, and as much as they need to do their duty, he just doesn't feel anything about doing it.
"I know someday the Chief will ask for offspring," he explained, "but not now. I just don't see why we should force ourselves to do it."
That is why Yui got contented with the way of things. She got to know her husband in more ways than one. He's awkward and blushes so easily. He lacks basic manners but he makes it up for his respect towards her. And lastly, he tries to be the best husband even though he could've given her a better life than what they have now.
Their first few physical touches only involved holding hands and a kiss on that one particular night. It was a sweet way to begin with, like a couple's first few emotional stages of getting to be together. The first few times they held hands, Gabimaru would be quiet, trying to blow some steam as he calmed himself down. But after a few tries, he never shied away from her, always anticipating her soothing touch more than anything else, especially after a long mission.
It took him a week before he mustered the courage to be the one to touch her. It happened during one particular day and he didn't have a mission. Yui was preparing some tea and snacks for the both of them when he had this urge to touch her hair. He didn't know what compelled him to do so. He just thought, Ah, I want to know how it feels under my skin. So he did try to do things on his own, walking slowly towards her from behind and suddenly holding a few locks of her blonde hair, twirling them, and giving a chaste kiss.
Yui did not anticipate this act, and from him, of all people. She did not hate it; it just bewildered her that her husband would show a bit of affection. When she turned around, Gabimaru had a look of satisfaction; contentment that he fulfilled his small wish.
So this is what it feels like.
"D-Dear?"
He gave her a small smile.
"It's nothing."
And the night she kissed him? It was bliss. When she proved to him that he was human, capable of feeling like herself, he knew right then and there that she deserved everything.
For Yui, everything is all worth it.
The more they got closer, the more Gabimaru would long for her. The more he longed for her, the more he would see things he never discovered about himself.
For one, it was rare that the Hollow would show empathy, opting not to be ruthless during most of his missions as a way not to scare his wife whenever he went home. But of course, it's not like he could avoid staining his hands. He was a ninja, after all. Killing will still be in his nature regardless of how much he wants to avoid it. That's why, if he comes home with the blood of the target staining everywhere, he would opt to bathe somewhere (probably a river or something) and get rid of the sins enveloping him before appearing to his wife as a good man.
However, sometimes he couldn't bother himself to be a good man, and this happens more than the ones when he wanted to be the best husband. He learned how to be frustrated, to feel the very slip of anger in his veins and the immense burn of hatred whenever someone threatens to destroy the peace he has with his wife. "I will kill your wife!" "I'll make sure your wife never sees the light of the day." "You'll be on your knees begging once I have your wife in my hands."
He kills them mercilessly, red eyes cold as he ensures their brain and heart will be shut dead. They were empty threats, a way for them to taunt the mysterious assassin, but it was also a gateway for them towards a quick, painful death. Gabimaru didn't have to kill them, but he needed to. There was no way he would let them touch even a single hair from his precious Yui.
I'm the only one who can touch her.
He looks down on their dead bodies with contempt.
Only me.
And in these times, Yui will feel the shift in the air as she tended to his wounds. Gabimaru was only silent, letting his wife do what she needed to do before they retired to their shared chamber. Once they're both lying on their futons, he will reach out to her, hugging her to his chest, just to make sure she is there and not going somewhere else. There was no way Yui would leave him, of course. The idea is preposterous, but this thought seemed to bother her husband often, so she would only hug back and assure him.
"I'm always here, dear. I love you," she whispered on his skin.
If her words weren't enough to soothe his insecurities, sometimes, he would hold her chin and kiss her just to be sure. Ever since she first kissed him, he couldn't forget her sweet taste, and he would often seek them for himself, especially at night when only the moon was their witness.
"I love you," Yui mumbled after their long kisses, and Gabimaru would only kiss her in response.
Mine. Only mine.
Suddenly, he decided it would be best not to go deeper and touch her again; that the only way he could get close was to admire her from afar even if it hurt. He realized the moment the kisses went longer and his touches begged to feel the skin he hadn't felt before, was also the moment he almost lost his edge; almost died in a mission thinking about her. Gabimaru deduced the very same thing Osa taught him a long time ago.
Those who cling to life cannot triumph over the dead, and if loving Yui was a grave sin, then Gabimaru the Hollow would be branded a traitor of his own ninja way for doing so.
That is why he resisted the urge to reach out and feel her under his skin, the way her warmth soothed his inner demons from coming out and wreaking havoc. He would frown and click his tongue in annoyance, clearly irritated that he couldn't do anything about this situation. While Yui was continuing to approach him, sometimes hugging him to her chest or kissing his cheek before he left for a mission, it didn't mean he was oblivious to her suffering. Gabimaru can clearly see her desperate attempts to coax him to open up to her again, to need her badly, like how she does with him.
But no. He would tell himself that this was the right thing to do. He forced himself not to reciprocate her gestures, even if it meant hearing a few of her silent cries at night or seeing her forced smile. He wore an indifferent mask, even if all he wanted to do was melt with the way she smiled so purely at him. At this point, he didn't know what felt more wrong.
Denying Yui the very thing they both wanted or living his life as the infamous Hollow.
Which one is it, really?
The gods continue to mock him.
Yui counted the weeks since Gabimaru had withdrawn himself from showing any form of affection as her husband and all she did was pray to gods that they grant her wish. Please let him be safe. Please don't lead him astray. Please let him know my feelings. She would always do that once he left the house, a desperate attempt to set things back to when he would let go of his inhibitions and make her feel how important she was to him.
Honestly, Yui could've gone and confronted him directly about the situation; persuaded him to stop with this nonsense, and just free himself from the title of being the Hollow. After all, like what she has told him, "Following your heart will make you a true warrior. If you leave this place, I'll come with you." She did not promise him that just because they were married; she made that pledge because she loves him, that she wants to be with him whether there's a future waiting for them or none. However, it would do her no good to be so upfront. It would only make him more withdrawn and worse, he might slip away from her grasp if she pressed the topic further.
On some days, she finds herself missing his kisses, the way he would approach her so cautiously and yet relax once her lips would meet his. There was an undeniable warmth and she could tell by the way he tried to expose more of her skin that he wanted more than they both could handle. But at the same time, she could see how guilt-ridden he was for feeling this way.
My husband... thinks it's a sin to fall in love with me.
Yui got depressed over this train of thought.
If he views himself as a sinner, then that makes me a sinner too for I love him so.
Gabimaru went home weary, limping his way home as he huffed for air. Today's mission was a success but had proven to be a difficulty. He underestimated not having a sufficient backup, making him deal with 30 targets to kill. Of course, it was nothing new to him, but the fatigue almost caught up to him (along with the emotional stress he's been dealing with lately) and he almost paid his life for it.
One might tell him he needed rest to sustain his injuries, but rest wasn't on his mind right now. What he wanted was salvation. He wanted saving. He couldn't keep up this farce he made any longer. It was killing him inside, like a poison with no cure, and if ever there was a cure, it was only her.
Yui...
He tirelessly entered their home and mustered the strength to go to their shared bedroom despite being all bloodied and bruised up. Gabimaru was making a mess as he walked, but he didn't care.
Yui... save me...
The moment he slid the bedroom door open, Yui instantly woke up and was surprised to see the current state of her husband. Before he could set foot inside, she immediately stopped him, hands on his chest as he breathed out tiredly.
"Dear, what happened?" she asked worriedly.
Gabimaru could only lean his forehead on her shoulder, staining her night kimono as he tried to rest. He wasn't answering her question, and it bugged her even more.
"Dear, please," Yui gently coaxed. This time, she held his face in her hands and tried to make him speak. "Let's get you cleaned up first, okay?"
The moment she was face to face with him was the chance he had been waiting for, gripping her wrists to keep her in place as he planted a desperate kiss on her lips. He was craving for her sweet taste, the one he forced himself not to think about. Why did he do that stupid thing anyway? He should've just stayed true to himself instead of pretending.
I love her. Gods, I love her.
Yui pulled away to breathe, panting for air as she wasn't used to this kind of kiss. "D-Dear?" she called out, wanting to know the reason behind the sudden shift in his behavior. She liked it, of course, but this was different. He was acting way different.
Gabimaru replied through his actions, gently pushing her back on their shared futon, not caring if a few drops of blood were smeared on her skin or stained on the sheets. He couldn't care about anything anymore. All he wanted was this moment. All he wanted was this night. All he wanted was her.
"G-Gabimaru," Yui whispered his name, her hair sprawled out on the mattress, heart pounding as she only thought of one logical thing.
He desires me.
The idea of two bodies being one was enough for Yui to be ashamed. She knew to herself she wouldn't be able to deny him of his carnal needs, but she wasn't prepared. But does it matter? She thinks it doesn't. For Yui, who was taught that a wife's duty was to her husband, she knew that Gabimaru's happiness would come above hers regardless of her wishes.
Gabimaru did not break the silence, opting to convey his emotions through actions as he started slowly getting rid of his top, tossing them somewhere in the room before getting back to her. He watched how her chest heaved up and down, possibly to calm herself and it made him all the more curious, his hands delicately brushing her neck until his fingers teased the inside of her kimono. Yui blushed at the brief act, looking away to hide her embarrassment; Gabimaru would be having none of that tonight. He touched her chin and made her focus on him, wanting to see everything, whether it was her erotic expression or her tears.
"Gabimaru..."
He kissed her again, this time a bit sweeter, his tongue tangling with hers as he settled between her legs. Afterward, his lips moved down to her neck, sucking and biting on the flesh to ensure marks that would claim ownership. Everyone knew she was the wife of the Hollow, but he wanted everyone to know that she was untouchable; that she was his and no one else's.
Yui was taking labored breaths, feeling a new sensation every time Gabimaru touched her in places she couldn't imagine. Her initial fears are now being replaced with a dangerous feeling akin to pleasure, something she didn't mind as long as it was with him. When his fingers hovered over the obi of her night kimono, that was when she saw him slightly hesitate.
There it was again, him trying to build a wall between them.
He stopped his ministrations, asking himself, What are you doing? Why are you undressing her like a beast in heat? Are you sure you are allowed to behave like this?
As if sensing his distress, Yui reached out for his hand and placed it on her breast. This was a shameful act, but she didn't care. This needed to end once and for all.
"You don't have to worry about me," she assured with a gentle smile. And to his surprise, Yui was suddenly tearing up. Every pent-up emotion she had for the past few weeks came crashing down. "I am your wife, dear. You can do everything you want with me, as long as it makes you happy."
Gabimaru was having an internal conflict now. He wanted her and yet—and yet—
Suddenly, he pulled his hand away, guilt and frustration gnawing at him. This was wrong. Everything was wrong.
Yui looked up to gauge his reaction and what she saw made her pause. It wasn't her husband anymore. It was a boy in a lost cause, searching for the right answers with tears streaming down his face. The tears and blood mingled together, some of them dropping on her skin like watered-down red paint.
She sat up and wiped off his tears. "Saku?" Yui decided to call his real name this time. "Saku, please, talk to me."
In response, Gabimaru hugged Yui, burying his face on her chest. He could only cry.
"Save me," he begged. "Save me, Yui."
"Why do you need saving?" she questioned, ruffling his white hair. "You did nothing wrong, dear." Yui held his face and removed a few of his bangs away from his face so she could take a good look in his red eyes. "You're just being you. There is no problem with that."
"Well, that is the problem!" he snapped, not wanting to admit the truth. There were a lot of emotions inside him and he's only a few seconds away from breaking down. "For so long, all I've known is that I am Gabimaru. Gabimaru the Hollow! That has been my name. I didn't know anything. I didn't care about them either way. All I knew about my life was killing."
He smiled bitterly at her.
"Then you came, and I knew this marriage was just a reward. I didn't—I couldn't—I shouldn't be this way with you." Now, he was getting mad at himself. Why was he a monster? Why was he born this way? He should've just stuck with being a ninja. "I'm a sinner. I'm a murderer, Yui! We can't." He wanted to pull away from her touch, but Yui was not letting him go. "I can't. I can't feel this way. I can't betray my Hollow self."
She pitied him. How could he say that? It's almost as if he's terribly lonely at the idea that loving her was something forbidden.
"If you're a traitor, then that makes the two of us," Yui admitted.
Gabimaru was bewildered. "W-What do you mean?"
"This marriage... I have always known that this is my father's punishment for defying him, for wanting a normal life," she started. "But I met you and thought I could still instill a bit of normalcy, even though I was aware of who you are." Yui brushed his tear-stained cheek. "But you know what?" Now, she was crying too. "My answer will never change. You are Saku, my beloved husband."
She breathed out. She had professed her love many times, but this time was different.
"I love you. I don't know how or why. I just did even though I knew we shouldn't have these feelings. Now, tell me. Is it wrong for the both of us to be lovers? Because if it is, then..."
Yui didn't want to say it. She knew she wouldn't be able to do it, but she left him no choice. They were both hurting. Enough is enough.
"T-Then I'll just bury my feelings. I will... I... I... I..."
Gabimaru leaned his forehead on hers. "You?"
She can't let the words out. She wanted to tell him she would just forget him, but she just couldn't. Yui will never forget him. How could one forget their first love anyway?
"I will for..."
Yui was crying more, not fathoming the thought of forgetting him.
"I..."
"Yui?"
Why can't I say them?
"... Saku..."
"Whatever it is, I know you can't," Gabimaru whispered, wiping the tears away from her face.
"You don't know that."
"You can't, Yui." He kissed her cheek, sighing in defeat. "You love me... and I love you."
There goes her heart beating like crazy.
Finally, he thought. Finally, I could say it.
"I love you; Forgive me, but I love you—that's why you can't. I won't let you."
Yui teared up even more at his confession. She had known for a while now that he felt the same, but to hear it from himself made her swoon even more. For so long, she relied on his actions, and now it was different.
Gabimaru slowly slid her kimono down to her shoulder, exposing a bit of her skin as he gently set her down on their futon. He made a bloody mess, dirtying her skin with his sins.
"Allow me," he murmured
Yui touched his chest, feeling his heartbeat under her palm. Her gaze met his, their faces inching closer and wanting nothing but to succumb to their desires.
He put out the candle flames and made love to her under the full moon. After all, how could something so sinful feel so right?
May the gods forgive us.
