Haldir: an all—
Haldir: jesus christ i can’t do this
Haldir: I quit
Haldir: these are the elves and we came here to fight and stuff
Legolas: *sucking Gimli’s dick* mmh
Gimli: ahem
Legolas: what
Gimli: the elves came to help us
Legolas: no elf is coming until you come first
Legolas: in my mouth
Legolas: for the third time today
Legolas: not the last time I hope
Gimli: there’s going to be a battle very soon
Gimli: we could die
Legolas: SO WHAT
Legolas: will you not find me among the corpses and fuck my cold, dead body?
Gimli: if you want
Gimli: what if I’m dead
Legolas: then I will find you and—
Haldir: jesus christ what the fuck
Legolas: guys, go and find a wall and climb it
Legolas: this might take a while
Legolas: *continues to lick Gimli’s dick*
Haldir: what the fuck
Aragorn: take it easy, Hal
Aragorn: you weren’t here for the last eighteen times they did it in front of everyone
Aragorn: we had to lead women to the caves so they weren’t corrupted even more
Haldir: what the f—
Haldir: what do you mean „even more”
Haldir: do I even want to know
Aragorn: I don’t think so
Haldir: jesus fuck
The orcs: WHOOOOOOO
Haldir: now this fucking crowd
Haldir: noone can behave anymore
Aragorn: *trying to unzip Haldir’s pants*
Haldir: what the hell are you doing
Aragorn: offering you a relief
Haldir: oh for fuck sakes
Haldir: leave me alone
Aragorn: *touching Haldir’s dick*
Aragorn: are you sure
Haldir: yes
Haldir: no
Haldir: will you suck my dick
Aragorn: *jerking him off*
Aragorn: I thought you might wanna
Haldir: no
Haldir: no no no no nononono
Aragorn: okay *continues to jerk him off*
Haldir: oh for fuck sakes
Haldir: just this one
Haldir: *takes Aragorn’s dick to his mouth*
Aragorn: ahhh
Gimli: *arriving*
Gimli: I see you found yourself a blonde cocksucker too
Aragorn: shh
Aragorn: she’s shy
Haldir: WH—
Aragorn: *petting Haldir’s hair* shhh, baby
Aragorn: it’s fine
Aragorn: it’s all gonna be fine
Haldir: gggGH
Gimli: I thought this was lady Eowyn
Aragorn: say whaaat
Aragorn: why would you say that
Gimli: she seems to be fond of you
Aragorn: I didn’t notice
Haldir: ghh
Aragorn: it’s okay, sweetheart
Aragorn: now everyone shush
Aragorn: I want to cum before the shitstorm begins
King Theoden: so quiet
King Theoden: what’s that noise?
Gamling: uhm
King Theoden: what
Gamling: some elf is sucking Aragorn’s dick
King Theoden: Legolas?
Gamling: no, sir
Gamling: the one that arrived today
King Theoden: I decided to ignore this and focus on the battle
Gamling: okay
Haldir: GLG GLG GLG
King Theoden: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
The orcs: WOOOHOOOOOOO
King Theoden: so they came
Gamling: no, sir
Gamling: they still be doing that
King Theoden: THE ORCS
King Theoden: THE ORCS CAME
Aragorn: AHHH
Haldir: *coughs and gulps*
Gamling: and so does Aragorn, sir
Aragorn: get yourself together, babygirl, the orcs are here now
Haldir: jesus fuck now let me just get it together
Gimli: *gives him a tissue*
Haldir: thanks
Gimli: I always have them
Gimli: Legolas thinks he can swallow it all too but…
Gimli: it’s better to wipe it before it dries and leaves a stain
Haldir: *wipes cum from his chin*
Haldir: *sigh*
Gimli: I’m gonna need this tissue back
Haldir: what
Gimli: i reuse it
Haldir: WHAT
Gimli: it dries in my pocket and then I crumple it when it’s too… stiff
Haldir: *sigh*
Haldir: *to the orcs* OH JUST COME HERE AND KILL ME ALREADY!!!
The orcs: WOOOOOOO!!!!
King Theoden: maybe I should suck a dick too
Gamling: …sir?
King Theoden: to get into the battle mode
King Theoden: this guy just sucked a dick and now he seems so ready
Gamling:
King Theoden:
Gamling: *slowly unzips his pants*
King Theoden: *looks at Gamling*
Gamling: *bites his lower lip, nods*
King Theoden: I’ll pretend that I didn’t see it
Gamling: uh, sir?
King Theoden: for fuck sakes man, zip it
Gamling: I can’t now, sir
Gamling: too stiff now
King Theoden: ah for fuck sakes
King Theoden: I want this shitshow to end asap
The orcs: WOOOOOOO
King Theoden: yeah, wooo
King Theoden: it wasn’t your sidekick that showed you his dick now, was it
The orcs: WOOOOO
King Theoden: tell them to start shooting
Gamling: FIREEEEE
The orcs: WOOOOO
King Theoden: my head starts to hurt
Gamling: oh look
The orcs: *come up with the ladders*
Gamling: my dick is limp again
King Theoden: great news
King Theoden: fucking fantastic