Back in the good old days
Lucius: oh, and my mother would like to see you, dear
Narcissa: what did she say
Lucius: that she wants to see you
Narcissa: just like that?
Lucius: it’s my father who’s nuts
Lucius: my mother is… quite playful
Narcissa: I thought I was „quite playful”
Narcissa and Lucius: *both look at Narcissa’s „Blowjob Queen of The Slytherin” „Hogwarts Cocksucking Contest” and a pile of many more trophies*
Lucius: I don’t think I’m ready to know that
Lucius: please just come—
Narcissa: oh you like to say that
Narcissa: but you usually say „on my face”, don’t you
Lucius: *murmurs something*
Narcissa: don’t you, you slut?
Narcissa: then shut up and be proud about it
Narcissa: and maybe one day one of these will be yours
Narcissa and Lucius: *giggle*
Volpene Malfoy: Oh I am so glad to finally meet you!
Narcissa Black: we know each other pretty well, mrs Malfoy, since Lucius and I were bo—
Volpene: of course of course, dear child
Volpene: let’s have a tea and talk in the library
Narcissa: *sits down and looks at her host’s legs and heels, exactly the same model as hers, but instead of black leather and silver heel, Lucius’s mom chose pure gold for heel and a gold snakeskin with a delicate touch of rare imperfections— little black scales*
Volpene: I mean I have been watching you since you were born and all, but now…
Volpene: now I heard you’re—
Volpene: *lowering her voice* a purebred, fire-breathing slut!
Volpene: *reaches out and elbows Narcissa’s elbow*
Volpene: be proud about it! Chin up!
Volpene: I would never want my dearest slut-boi son to wed some boring purebred stick-in-the-ass anal girl
Narcissa: *chokes on her tea, clears her throat*
Volpene: ha! I know my words, now, my dearest Cissy
Volpene: what was I saying?
Volpene: Nice to meet you, Anal Girl.
Volpene: *reaches out her hand* I am Volpene, the Lady of Malfoy Manor
Volpene: also apparently I’m nuts, but who cares
Narcissa: *shakes her hand* I like you
Volpene: I like you too, Anal Girl
Narcissa: personally I would prefer to be titled as a queen, milady
Volpene: I’m sorry, honey, but you are only a Blowjob Queen of Slytherin, Hogwarts and so on, and here we are rather far away from the good old castle, are we not
Volpene: also we should both agree that the only queen in this castle is Lucy, the cockslut queen you’re about to marry one day
Narcissa: of course you know
Narcissa: it was probably your doing all along
Volpene: close! But not as much
Volpene: the slutpotion was left there by accident, but…
Narcissa: I know the rest
Narcissa: you’re a vixen, Volpene
Volpene: *smirks and rises one eyebrow*
Narcissa: was I invited to your house to learn that?
Narcissa: that sums it up quite neatly
Volpene: oh, stop worrying!
Volpene: we’re all friends here
Volpene: Lucius’s father, Abby, went on some new boyhunting with the Gaunts, he’ll be back in…
Volpene: had we only been so lucky
Volpene: but anyway, I was stopped on the street by a friend one day, and I will not bore you with details, but I seem to have foreseen some of your possible futures and in one of them, you have a baby boy.
Narcissa: *spits her tea*
Narcissa: you mean I am a mother?
Volpene: the cutest, sluttiest, gayest boy that only Malfoy and Black bloodlines could ever have
Narcissa: *in shock* a boy
Volpene: he will be proudest than you and Lucius both combined and multiplied by each other
Volpene: he will make you feel… like neither of you were singularly the biggest slut in the wizarding world’s records
Narcissa: *still in shock* a boy
Volpene: calm down, Anal Girl
Narcissa: I’m going to have a baby
Narcissa: I see this face, you vixen!
Narcissa: what’s the catch?
Volpene: in this vision that I had, you were known not only for your being you
Volpene: but also… for your cheesecake
Narcissa: you are fucking with me, Volpene, are you not
Volpene: I swear on your blonde son’s life that I am not
Volpene: I saw you being the hottest and slutties and most caring mom that was ever known to walk the green earth
Volpene: with a legendary cake
Narcissa: show me that memory
Volpene: don’t you believe me?
Narcissa: I need to see the memories about the boy
Narcissa: how the FUCK am I supposed to bake a cheesecake
Volpene: not a cheesecake
Volpene: it’ll be forever known as „Narcissa’s Famous Cheesecake”
Narcissa: *crosses her arms on her chest, suggesting a hint of a wand in her hair*
Narcissa: *starts tapping with her shoe on the rant of the table*
Narcissa: for fuck sakes, Volpene!
Volpene: okay I was partially shitting you
Narcissa: the hot slut mom?
Volpene: fuck, I mean yes
Narcissa: you don’t seem so sure
Narcissa: which part is the fucking act now
Volpene: I had a dream that you had a famous cheesecake and I wanted to give you the recipe that has been making people cry in my family for generations
Narcissa: why didn’t you just say so?!
Volpene: I like to fuck with people
Narcissa: because you’re nuts?
Narcissa: okay now, let’s take a step back
Narcissa: before I ever become famous for some cake, I need to try it
Volpene: *happily* excellent!
Volpene: *accios a cake on plates*
Volpene: I am so happy that you didn’t fucking crucio me on my armchair
Narcissa: I would stupify you first
Volpene: oh I am stupid enough, my dear
Volpene: I will eat first, is that alright with you, dear?
Volpene: Dobby, open the window, will you?
Narcissa: why the window?
Volpene: just a precaution
Narcissa: *hesitingly takes a little bit of cake on a tiny fork*
Volpene: let me help you with your decision
Volpene: *grabs a big chunk of Narcissa’s cheesecake and devours it*
Volpene: it’s not fucking poisoned, for god’s sake
Narcissa: oh geez okay alright, I believe you
Narcissa: I am just trying to tell you that I am always very gassy from the cheesecake, but *shrugs*
Narcissa: what the hell, right?
Narcissa: *eats the rest of her wuite significant piece of cake*
Narcissa: oh this would be the most delicious cake I’ve ever had but if it was my cake, it would need a little bit of dark chocolate crumbs and raspberries on the side!
Volpene: AND SO IT IS YOURS NOW!
Volpene: *suddenly with her wand in hand*
Volpene: *shows Narcissa a roll of an old parchment paper, now glowing with magic*
Narcissa: *still chewing the delicious cake*
Narcissa: *reads* „the only copy of recipe for the infamous Narcissa’s Cheesecake”
Volpene: it is your responsibility from now on
Narcissa: but it’s just a cake, right?
Volpene: *bites her fist*
Volpene: *lets out a glass-dingling fart*
Volpene: *lets out a trombone-starting and at the end gurgling sound right from her spread lega*
Narcissa: *smells* oh my GOD
Narcissa: *farts herself a little*
Volpene: *lifts her eyebrows and makes a little thumbs spin*
Narcissa: *grabs her belly* holy FUCK
Narcissa: *lets out a powerful noise as if someone tried to shake bricks in a big iron barrel*
Narcissa: *farts long and hard, her eyes tightly closed from the sheer effort*
Volpene: *farts even louder, with some middle birdshots in between*
Narcissa: *panting* is this a curse?
Volpene: *lighting two cigarettes and giving Narcissa one*
Volpene: *lets out a cloud of smoke*
Narcissa: how often do I have to bake it?
Volpene: oh don’t worry, child *farts*
Volpene: it will bake itself every now and then, just touch the recipe with your wand, and—
Narcissa: why would you make me have it, though?
Volpene: why not? I have to give you something, right?
Narcissa: but why the cake?
Volpene: would you prefer madness?
Volpene: I bet you wouldn’t
Narcissa: but… a farting cake?
Volpene: and I love the idea of you, taking my family’s legacy onwards
Volpene: I think you will be remembered forever by so many, many people
Volpene: as a matter of fact it was sad to see this recipe just sit there and dust
Volpene: not many people understand the arts
Narcissa: so you’re telling me that people will know what it means to eat it and still do it?
Volpene: they will come and look at you and they will eat it willingly
Volpene: they would eat dogshit from your hand and it is not polite for a lady to feed people with a canine feces
Narcissa: I see where it’s going
Narcissa: you heard the rumours and now you want to know the Black Sisters’ Family Secret
Narcissa: you want to know how would Andy and yours truly make our sister Bella eat shit
Volpene: *throwing her wand in the air in awe*
Volpene: WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAT
Narcissa: you didn’t know that?
Volpene: *grabs her armchair and farts loudly and longingly* *barks like a dog*
Volpene: *continues farting*
Narcissa: *lets out a series of machinegun farts*
Narcissa: I am going to slightly modify the recipe to make the fuse burn for several minutes and then make it even more hardcore
Volpene: the right hands, I knew that the minute I saw this cute little butt of yours
Narcissa: uhm… thanks, I guess
Volpene: now tell me about your sister!
Volpene: Bella as Bellatrix, soon to be married to that oddball Lestrange boy?
Narcissa: you have no idea
Narcissa: anyway Andy, Andromeda, my sister, makes Bella eat her ass
Narcissa: like shit in her mouth
Narcissa: it’s like our asses were involved in a parallel conversation
Volpene: was Andy doing it to Bella for fun?
Narcissa: also Andy hates people who hate Muggles so it’s a sort of pre-revenge—ish-ness
Volpene: oh I never met her but I already love her deeply
Volpene: Bella sounds like an innocent victim of your evil actions
Narcissa: Bella is a smelly bitch and she hates muggles
Narcissa: because she’s also a stupid bitch
Narcissa: *lifts her left cheek and farts silently*
Volpene: did you just let out a silent one?
Narcissa: yes, I’ve been trying to let out every second one that way
Volpene: you will make me so proud
Narcissa: some more of your „predictions”?
Volpene: you truly are a gem
Volpene: noone was ever able to squeeze them out in a quiet kinda way
Narcissa: my ass is magical
Volpene: I saw some of your actions so yeah I could say that too
Narcissa: were you spying on me?
Volpene: were you spying on your cousins while they were fucking?
Volpene: through an old portrait, maybe?
Narcissa: *makes a concerned face*
Narcissa: I was letting a silent one out
Volpene: you’re a skilled farter
Narcissa: I do stuff with my butt that you wouldn’t believe
Volpene: I think that is the current topic of our conversation
Narcissa: Andy never liked the fact that Bella keeps going back to the wrong crowd
Narcissa: and because Bella was always involved with the evilest of the baddies
Narcissa: so she decided that it would be a small victory of the good ones if that smelly skank tasted like shit
Narcissa: we knew she was fucking around
Volpene: so she planted a poop breather among them
Narcissa: also she is kinda quiet and not very smelly when Andy smothers her with her big, juicy booty
Volpene: speaking of letting a silent one out, I think I shat myself a little
Narcissa: I think you and Andy are going to be really good friends
Narcissa: maybe she’ll let you shit into Bella’s mouth too
Volpene: most definitely a thing worthy of waiting for
Volpene: I think you got to go, my dear
Volpene: I just realised I shat myself badly and it would be better for us to just…
Narcissa: I am not sure my panties are clean enough too
Volpene: I know you’re not wearing panties
Narcissa: *bows and farts* m’lady
Narcissa: l’m sorry I need to leave you
Volpene: I will see you soon enough
Narcissa: *clacks her heels on the marble-golden floor and leaves*
Volpene: *apparates under the shower*
Volpene: oh holy fuck I just shat myself in front of my daughter in law
Volpene: I should be embarrassed
Volpene’s portrait from the wall: why? Because you shat yourself?
Volpene: I am not ashamed
Volpene: *magically takes off her dress and starts showering*
Volpene: *looks down on her high heels full of shitty water*
Volpene: oh for fuck’s sake
Volpene and her Portrait: NOT AGAIN