Stranger Things
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Cosimo Galluzzi
AnasAbdin
Xuebing Du
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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oozey mess
DEAR READER
blake kathryn
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@klinefelterrible
ALMOST EVERYTHING BELOW THIS RED LINE IS FOR ADULTS ONLY SO BE AWARE
———————————————————————
Hey!
Welcome to my pinned post.
PLEASE READ THIS APPRECIATION POST
•Mol & Steven comics: Arms Dealer,
•My linocuts:
This, that,
•Dragons of Discworld
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7
•Also:
My AO3 (18+)
•Also:
my favourite posts to come back to:
Sphynx
Knitting lesbian helps selling house
Finding posts
Writing description notes
Perfect Vimes
It’s PRIDE MONTH and wanting to start with this little remembrance from queer people in the past.
From the book: Baby, You Are My Religion by Marie Cartier
Narcissa: are you keeping the family’s score for stabbings?
Andromeda: yes, any new inputs?
Narcissa: oh… just re-read me the top three
Andromeda: Bellatrix, twenty eight knife stabbings
Andromeda: Narcissa, six knife stabbings, thirty seven high heel stabbings
Andromeda: Draco, four high heel stabbings
Narcissa: uhm, make it five
Andromeda: adding one to Draco’s score… that boy grows fast!
Narcissa: yes… he accidentally stabbed his boyfriend again
Andromeda: yes, yes, accidentally, I hear that, of course *wink*
Narcissa: each and every stab of mine was delivered with accuracy and precision
Narcissa: including the high heel ones
Narcissa: the knife stabs were mostly self-defence in the dark *wink*
Andromeda: officially all of them were self-defence only
Narcissa: yes, yes, of course
Andromeda: *sigh*
Narcissa: can you imagine that he “accidentally stabbed his boyfriend in the chest”?
Andromeda: Bellatrix claimed that she stabbed Karkaroff accidentally too
Narcissa: yeah, fifty four accidental stabs to the chest in a span of two hours
Andromeda: he almost didn’t survive it
Narcissa: ah, yes, the death eater parties were crazy
Andromeda: were you or your husband stabbed during those parties?
Narcissa: Lucy? Please
Narcissa: that babe was the main attraction of those parties
Andromeda: I can imagine
Narcissa: and me? I didn’t participate in sex during those parties ever
Narcissa: also if I was perfectly honest I must admit that I stabbed Bellatrix twice with intent to harm her and four other guys with intent to kill
Narcissa: but don’t tell anyone
Andromeda: holy shit!
Andromeda: of course I won’t
Andromeda: why? I mean why did you do that?
Narcissa: *shrug* they were mean to me and my husband
Narcissa: and Bella was very, very mean to Lucy, even though that girl is always so, so sweet
Andromeda: you know that Bellatrix nearly killed Igor Karkaroff in retaliation for that
Narcissa: yeah like he was innocent
Narcissa: he should have seen it coming from me
Narcissa: he called me “a cock-smoking tart”
Andromeda: Cissy, to be fair-
Narcissa: yeah I know, I know
Narcissa: but he said it not only to my face
Narcissa: but also very meanly
Narcissa: and they all laughed…
Narcissa: anyway I have a feeling that Draco will stab Potter very soon again
Narcissa: he seems to be liking him
Andromeda: but liking-liking?
Narcissa: oh, yes
Andromeda: that’s wonderful!
Narcissa: I am mentally preparing myself for their wedding
Andromeda: assuming Potter survives all the stabs
Narcissa: assuming Potter survives all the stabs and bites
Andromeda: shall I start the biting chart too?
Narcissa: *shakes head*
Andromeda: *nods* *crosses fingers*
Narcissa: *crosses fingers*
Narcissa: *sigh*
Andromeda: do you want a drink?
Narcissa: I thought you would never ask
Alien: “You bonded with the ship’s cleaning drone?”
Human: “His name is Kevin.”
Alien: “It’s an emotionless tool.”
Human: “HE IS A HARD-WORKING SINGLE FATHER OF THREE.”
Alien: yeah whatever
Human: one day he’ll find a better job and you’ll fucking disappear in your own dirt, mister
Alien: I’ll just fucking buy a new one—
Human: I sure as hell hope he’s gone with all of your money in a suitcase
Alien: define: „suitcase”
Human: define: „fuck off”
Alien: it’s a—
Alien: oh
ok so…
(He said no afterwards)
At Ron and Blaise’s wedding
Bill: Draco looks hot
Harry: you’re asking me or telling me
Bill: asking for permission
Harry: it’s his saying anyway
Harry: but please don’t rape him
Bill: okay
Bill: hey there, slut
Draco: fuck off, Weasley
Bill: is that how you greet a friend?
Draco: we are not friends
Draco: *walks away, hips swinging*
Fleur: was that Draco?
Bill: yes
Fleur: the one that you blackmailed and made wearing my clothes?
Bill: the same
Fleur: he doesn’t seem happy to see you
Bill: it’s an act
Fleur: is it
Bill: 99%
Fleur: please don’t make it even more awkward okay
Bill: I won’t
Bill: but I need it
Fleur: please don’t fuck it up again
Bill: just go and suck Harry’s dick okay
Fleur: *sigh* okay
Fleur: are we doing this or not
Bill: now?
Fleur: it will be fair if we did
Bill: let’s flip a coin
Fleur: fair enough
Fleur: is Harry here?
Ginny: he’s occupied in the cake tent
Fleur: okay
Fleur: which way is the cake tent?
Luna: it’s over there
Luna: are you looking for Harry?
Fleur: yes, why?
Luna: Hermione is giving him head now in the cake tent
Fleur: oh
Fleur: I wanted to do that
Luna: you have to wait for your turn I guess
Fleur: are you waiting for that too?
Luna: I’m waiting for Hermione to tell me what do I want now
Hermione: come here and lick my ass, Luna, sweetie
Luna: that’s my cue
Luna: see you later, Fleur
Fleur: yeah bye bye
Fleur: *sigh*
Draco: what are you doing here, Weasley
Bill: it’s my brother’s wedding
Bill: what do you think I am doing
Draco: uh-huh
Draco: I mean what are you doing in my face
Draco: go and bother someone else
Draco: you are casting your filthy shadow on my spotless shine
Bill: I heard you and Harry are married now
Draco: so what
Bill: my wife is out there, sucking his dick
Draco: good for her
Draco: at least she has some class in her
Draco: for a brief moment
Bill: you are going to suck my dick right now and you’re going to love it
Bill: you death-eating scum
Draco: yeah nice try
Draco: bye *walks away to the nearest tent*
Draco: you will not make me do anything *taking off his dress*
Bill: I am going to make you my whore right now again
Bill: as you probably forgot how it is
Draco: I am nobody’s whore *tying his hair, kneeling*
Bill: yeah repeat that to yourself so maybe one day it’ll become truth *flips out his dick*
Draco: I hate every single one of you Weasley assholes
Bill: start sucking and make it sloppiest you can or you’ll eating my ass too
Draco: this is your first and last warning
Bill: suck my cock you nasty death-eating, Slytherin whore
Draco: *slurps Bill’s cock*
Draco: you like that, you blackmailing piece of shit?
Bill: I— I can’t live without it
Draco: I know *eats his cock again*
Ron: I haven’t seen Harry for a while
Blaise: he’s probably getting his dick sucked
Ron: by whom?
Blaise: Hermione? Draco? Luna? Narcissa? Lucy?
Fred: Fleur Delacour Weasley
George: we saw her getting a mouthful just before we came there and fucked her too
Ron: you guys fucked Fleur?
George: we spit-roasted Fleur, yes
Fred: Bill owes us a favour
Blaise: I guess not anymore
George: Fleur won’t tell him
Fred: she’s not like that
Ron: where is he anyway?
Fred: Bill?
Ron: no, Merlin the Wizard
Ron: yes, Bill!
George: I guess he’s using Draco’s mouth
Ron: Bill??? Draco’s??? What???!?!?
Blaise: even I am not THAT surprised
Ron: our brother is fucking Draco’s face?
Ron: he is literally married to the most beautiful woman ever
Blaise: uhm
George: yeah, that’s—
Ron: except for Harry’s mother-in-law
Fred: thank you
Ron: how did that happen?
Bill: how did what happen?
Ron: you fucked Draco’s mouth!
Bill: I don’t know what you’re talking about
Ron: I mean he sucked your dick!
Bill: no such thing
Blaise: excuse me for a moment
Blaise: are you okay
Draco: yeah do I look not okay
Blaise: I know what happened
Draco: so
Blaise: was that okay with you
Draco: *shrug*
Blaise: I hope it’s alright
Draco: this maggot fantasises about me since Hogwarts
Blaise: oh
Draco: my guess is he is a cuckold who needs to feel strong from time to time
Blaise: a cuckold you say
Draco: my guess is Fleur is already fucking the twins or something
Draco: I guess he slurps it from her
Blaise: that’s hot
Draco: it’s Weasleys from the pussy
Draco: the only thing that’s hot here is me
Blaise: you are absolutely right
Hermione: so how was Fleur
Harry: not as great as you
Hermione: I may be a nerd but you are so very right here, boy
Harry: have you seen Draco?
Hermione: I left him with Luna to share tastes
Harry: you’re the best
Luna: I have to kiss you
Draco: what are you waiting for
Blaise: shouldn’t you be licking your brothers’ cum from your wife’s ass?
Bill: how did y—
Bill: did they fuck her ass?
Blaise: who wouldn’t
Blaise: I am marrying gay right now and I would want a piece of this sweet French butt
Bill: …I can wait
Blaise: give me a second
Blaise: I gotta go and help Fleur with something
Ron: will you be fucking her
Blaise: yes
Ron: destroy her
Blaise: as the prophecy foretold
Fleur: hey chocolate wife
Blaise: sit on me with your ass
Fleur: my ass? I—
Blaise: do I stutter
Blaise: now
Fleur: *sits on Blaise’s black eel*
Bill: jesus fuck this is hot
Blaise: are you so wet or is it someone else’s cum staining my belly
Fleur: yes
Blaise: you will lick it all
Fleur: why
Blaise: because I said so
Fleur: *sigh* okay
Bill: that’s my good girl
Ron: am I the only one here who is not a freak?
Hermione: yes, why do you ask?
Draco: you are a freak
Ron: why?
Draco: each and every one of Weasleys is a freak
Ron: what about Bill?
Draco: ssss
Hermione: bad example
Ron: what about F… no, uhm
Ron: what about Ginny?
Hermione: she sucks twenty dicks a day
Ginny: at least
Ron: what about Percy?
Draco: wow you really reached the bottom of the list
Draco: who else is there?
Hermione: Charlie
Draco: that guy who sucked Hagrid’s balls one time?
Hermione: they only told you it was one time
Ron: what?
Draco: okay, what about Percy
Hermione: he was Umbridge’s pet
Draco: ygh
Ron: you were a death-eater
Draco: but I was Harry’s dick eater too so it’s sort of a tie
Ron: yeah but still
Draco: also you are a freak
Ron: me? Why?
Draco: you wanted to fuck Hermione’s pussy
Ron: why is that freaky?
Draco: she’s an anal girl
Hermione: I am
Ron: but I, uh—
Ron: I…
Draco: yeah you thought it’s an only option
Draco: you are the biggest freak of all of the redheads
Blaise: you’re not gonna believe that
Draco: oh honey I know everything about everyone here
Blaise: Bill ate a cocktail of everyone’s cum straight from Fleur’s ass
Draco: hardly a news
Blaise: then he licked my dick and balls
Draco: oh
Draco: sounds like a news
Draco: tell me that Harry came there and fucked his nasty ass
Harry: *catches Bill licking Blaise’s balls on all fours*
Harry: you deserve that *spits on his dick*
Bill: I have never ha—
Harry: and now you do *starts fucking him*
Bill: but I—
Harry: shut up or I make you my bitch permanently
Bill: *shuts up*
Bill: ugh
Fleur: *enters the tent*
Fleur: how is it
Harry: a bit tight, but can’t complain
Blaise: I am almost clean
Bill: ugh
Fleur: you might be concerned and confused about our marriage, Harry
Blaise: *snorts*
Harry: oh please
Harry: I am never confused
Harry: I know that you and Bill are both each others on the polyjuice potion and on voiceover spells
Blaise: whoa
Blaise: that’s the news of the decade
Fleur: no such thing
Bill: no such thing
Harry: I don’t mind
Harry: I expected that to happen
Fleur: you’re wrong
Bill: ugh
Fleur: you are so wrong
Bill: ugh
Fleur: I am going to, uhm
Bill: go suck all the dicks
Harry: go and lick Draco’s ass, he loves that
Fleur: okay
Bill: ugh
Harry: drop the act, Fleur
Bill: keep going, sweetheart
Blaise: jesus fuck what a plot twist
Bill: don’t you dare ruining it for us
Blaise: so did I just buttfuck Bill?
Harry: technically we both did buttfuck both Fleur and Bill
Blaise: jesus fuck
Harry: does Ron know
Bill: he cannot know
Harry: you guys owe me soooo much right now
Bill: I will do everything you want
Harry: that is true
Blaise: I’m gonna go and find my husband before anything happens
Harry: I will finish here and join you
Harry: how did you even plan this thing
Bill: we wanted to fuck everyone but in a different context
Bill: we’ve been doing it since forever
Harry: it’s hard for me to talk about your cunning plans and simultaneously fuck you hard enough
Bill: I can pretend that I hate it and you’re hurting me
Harry: okay
Harry: that might do
Draco: did Harry make you do that
Fleur: I would do everything for you if Harry told me that
Draco: you guys are whores
Draco: and put the tongue deeper
Fleur: shhlurp
Draco: okay
Harry: what a party, huh
Hermione: did you know that Charlie Weasley used to lick Hagrid’s balls and ass?
Harry: oh that’s gross
Hermione: you said that when you learned that I get footfucked by Luna
Harry: I guess I like to abuse the phrase
Hermione: speaking of abuse, did you notice that everyone fucks everyone here today?
Harry: it’s a gay wedding
Harry: what did you think was going to happen
Hermione: your wedding was nothing alike
Harry: how many dicks have you sucked today?
Hermione: one
Harry: mine
Hermione: yes
Harry: and on my wedding?
Hermione: yours and Draco’s
Harry: then just go ahead and do it
Hermione: you’re right
Harry: and make him your bitch
Harry: I want him extra obnoxious for the next hour
Hermione: don’t teach the teacher
Harry: okay
Draco: now tell me who is the prettiest girl here today
Blaise: you
Fred: you
George: you
Hermione: you
Harry: you
Bill: you
Ron: you
Fleur: Fleur
Luna: Hermione
Draco: did Fleur say Fleur
Luna: she did
Hermione: why would she say that
Harry: she’s French
Luna: I said Hermione
Draco: and you are forgiven, sweetie
Draco: that fucking French whore
Draco: did she suck your dick?
Fred, George, Blaise, Harry: of course
Ron: it’s the only reason we invited her
Blaise: yeah noone likes her anyway
Bill: you guys are the worst
Fleur: I love it
ok google how do i propose deeper friendship and intimacy to my mutuals without feeling like a pervert predator
hey. can we DM? do you want a voice message? do you want to see a picture of my face? do you wanna call? do you wanna get off on call with me? do you wanna consider us friends? do you wanna share secrets? do you wanna hint vaguely at where we both live to gauge how far we are from each other? do you wanna meet? do you wanna hang out? do you wanna fuck? do you wanna hold hands and kiss? does this make me creepy? is this too far? do you wanna kill me. i'm really sorry
fanfic writers are so gorgeous
canaries were used in coalmines due to their incredibly hard beaks, they could break through stone as well as any pickaxe
if they had more muscle mass to peck they would've exceeded pickaxes in quality. some miners used to grab them by their beautiful small bodies and bash their beaks against the walls, which they enjoyed immensely and was way faster than those miners using regular pickaxes.
And they, only then, they all sang
Back in the good old days
~
Lucius: oh, and my mother would like to see you, dear
Narcissa: me? Why?
Lucius: fuck if I know
Narcissa: what did she say
Lucius: that she wants to see you
Narcissa: just like that?
Lucius: just like that
Lucius: don’t worry
Lucius: it’s my father who’s nuts
Lucius: my mother is… quite playful
Narcissa: I thought I was „quite playful”
Narcissa and Lucius: *both look at Narcissa’s „Blowjob Queen of The Slytherin” „Hogwarts Cocksucking Contest” and a pile of many more trophies*
Narcissa: this playful?
Lucius: I don’t think I’m ready to know that
Lucius: please just come—
Narcissa: oh you like to say that
Lucius: yes, but—
Narcissa: but you usually say „on my face”, don’t you
Lucius: *murmurs something*
Narcissa: DON’T YOU
Narcissa: don’t you, you slut?
Lucius: …
Lucius: you know I do
Narcissa: then shut up and be proud about it
Narcissa: and maybe one day one of these will be yours
Lucius: I have my ow—
Narcissa: shut it, slut
Narcissa:
Lucius:
Narcissa and Lucius: *giggle*
At the Malfoy Manor
Volpene Malfoy: Oh I am so glad to finally meet you!
Narcissa Black: we know each other pretty well, mrs Malfoy, since Lucius and I were bo—
Volpene: of course of course, dear child
Volpene: let’s have a tea and talk in the library
Narcissa: thank you
Narcissa: *sits down and looks at her host’s legs and heels, exactly the same model as hers, but instead of black leather and silver heel, Lucius’s mom chose pure gold for heel and a gold snakeskin with a delicate touch of rare imperfections— little black scales*
Volpene: I mean I have been watching you since you were born and all, but now…
Volpene: now I heard you’re—
Volpene: *lowering her voice* a purebred, fire-breathing slut!
Volpene: *reaches out and elbows Narcissa’s elbow*
Volpene: *winks at her*
Narcissa: uhm…
Volpene: be proud about it! Chin up!
Narcissa: I am, but—
Volpene: oh stop it
Volpene: I would never want my dearest slut-boi son to wed some boring purebred stick-in-the-ass anal girl
Narcissa: *chokes on her tea, clears her throat*
Volpene: ha! I know my words, now, my dearest Cissy
Volpene: what was I saying?
Narcissa: anal girl
Volpene: Nice to meet you, Anal Girl.
Volpene: *reaches out her hand* I am Volpene, the Lady of Malfoy Manor
Volpene: also apparently I’m nuts, but who cares
Narcissa: *shakes her hand* I like you
Volpene: I like you too, Anal Girl
Narcissa: personally I would prefer to be titled as a queen, milady
Volpene: I’m sorry, honey, but you are only a Blowjob Queen of Slytherin, Hogwarts and so on, and here we are rather far away from the good old castle, are we not
Narcissa: …yes indeed
Volpene: also we should both agree that the only queen in this castle is Lucy, the cockslut queen you’re about to marry one day
Narcissa: you know ab—
Volpene: *grins*
Narcissa: of course you know
Narcissa: it was probably your doing all along
Volpene: close! But not as much
Volpene: sadly
Volpene: …or not!
Volpene: anyway
Volpene: the slutpotion was left there by accident, but…
Narcissa: I know the rest
Narcissa: you’re a vixen, Volpene
Volpene: *smirks and rises one eyebrow*
Narcissa: was I invited to your house to learn that?
Volpene: yes and no
Narcissa: that sums it up quite neatly
Volpene: doesn’t it?
Volpene: oh, stop worrying!
Volpene: we’re all friends here
Narcissa: your—
Volpene: Lucius’s father, Abby, went on some new boyhunting with the Gaunts, he’ll be back in…
Narcissa: December?
Volpene: had we only been so lucky
Volpene: but anyway, I was stopped on the street by a friend one day, and I will not bore you with details, but I seem to have foreseen some of your possible futures and in one of them, you have a baby boy.
Narcissa: *spits her tea*
Narcissa: you mean I am a mother?
Narcissa: a mother to a…
Narcissa: a boy?
Volpene: the cutest, sluttiest, gayest boy that only Malfoy and Black bloodlines could ever have
Narcissa: *in shock* a boy
Volpene: he will be proudest than you and Lucius both combined and multiplied by each other
Volpene: he will make you feel… like neither of you were singularly the biggest slut in the wizarding world’s records
Narcissa: *still in shock* a boy
Volpene: calm down, Anal Girl
Narcissa: I can’t
Narcissa: I’m going to have a baby
Volpene: possibly…
Narcissa: I see this face, you vixen!
Narcissa: what’s the catch?
Volpene: in this vision that I had, you were known not only for your being you
Volpene: but also… for your cheesecake
Narcissa: a cheesecake
Narcissa: you are fucking with me, Volpene, are you not
Volpene: I swear on your blonde son’s life that I am not
Volpene: I saw you being the hottest and slutties and most caring mom that was ever known to walk the green earth
Volpene: with a legendary cake
Narcissa: show me that memory
Volpene: don’t you believe me?
Narcissa: sort of
Narcissa: I need to see the memories about the boy
Narcissa: and cake
Narcissa: how the FUCK am I supposed to bake a cheesecake
Volpene: not a cheesecake
Volpene: it’ll be forever known as „Narcissa’s Famous Cheesecake”
Narcissa: *crosses her arms on her chest, suggesting a hint of a wand in her hair*
Volpene: *waits*
Narcissa: *starts tapping with her shoe on the rant of the table*
Volpene: we—
Narcissa: for fuck sakes, Volpene!
Volpene: *sigh*
Volpene: okay I was partially shitting you
Narcissa: the boy?
Volpene: real
Narcissa: the hot slut mom?
Volpene: real
Narcissa: are you sure?
Volpene: real
Volpene: fuck, I mean yes
Narcissa: you don’t seem so sure
Volpene: yes
Narcissa: which part is the fucking act now
Volpene: I had a dream that you had a famous cheesecake and I wanted to give you the recipe that has been making people cry in my family for generations
Narcissa: uuurghh!
Narcissa: why didn’t you just say so?!
Volpene: I like to fuck with people
Volpene: sue me
Volpene: you won’t
Narcissa: because you’re nuts?
Volpene: gotcha!
Narcissa: okay now, let’s take a step back
Narcissa: before I ever become famous for some cake, I need to try it
Volpene: *happily* excellent!
Volpene: *accios a cake on plates*
Volpene: I am so happy that you didn’t fucking crucio me on my armchair
Narcissa: I would stupify you first
Volpene: oh I am stupid enough, my dear
Volpene: I will eat first, is that alright with you, dear?
Volpene: Dobby, open the window, will you?
Dobby: yes, my lady!
Narcissa: why the window?
Volpene: just a precaution
Volpene: eat, please
Narcissa: *hesitingly takes a little bit of cake on a tiny fork*
Volpene: let me help you with your decision
Volpene: *grabs a big chunk of Narcissa’s cheesecake and devours it*
Volpene: it’s not fucking poisoned, for god’s sake
Narcissa: oh geez okay alright, I believe you
Narcissa: I am just trying to tell you that I am always very gassy from the cheesecake, but *shrugs*
Narcissa: what the hell, right?
Narcissa: *eats the rest of her wuite significant piece of cake*
Narcissa: oh this would be the most delicious cake I’ve ever had but if it was my cake, it would need a little bit of dark chocolate crumbs and raspberries on the side!
Volpene: AND SO IT IS YOURS NOW!
Volpene: *suddenly with her wand in hand*
Volpene: *shows Narcissa a roll of an old parchment paper, now glowing with magic*
Volpene: now it’s yours
Volpene: open it
Narcissa: *still chewing the delicious cake*
Narcissa: *reads* „the only copy of recipe for the infamous Narcissa’s Cheesecake”
Volpene: it is your responsibility from now on
Narcissa: but it’s just a cake, right?
Narcissa: right?
Volpene: *bites her fist*
Narcissa: what?
Volpene: *lets out a glass-dingling fart*
Volpene: *lets out a trombone-starting and at the end gurgling sound right from her spread lega*
Narcissa: oh, this is—
Narcissa: *smells* oh my GOD
Narcissa: *farts herself a little*
Volpene: *lifts her eyebrows and makes a little thumbs spin*
Narcissa: *grabs her belly* holy FUCK
Narcissa: *lets out a powerful noise as if someone tried to shake bricks in a big iron barrel*
Narcissa: oh my G—
Narcissa: *farts long and hard, her eyes tightly closed from the sheer effort*
Volpene: *farts even louder, with some middle birdshots in between*
Narcissa: *panting* is this a curse?
Volpene: *lighting two cigarettes and giving Narcissa one*
Volpene: it’s a blessing
Volpene: *lets out a cloud of smoke*
Volpene: of sorts
Narcissa: how often do I have to bake it?
Volpene: oh don’t worry, child *farts*
Volpene: it will bake itself every now and then, just touch the recipe with your wand, and—
Narcissa: why would you make me have it, though?
Volpene: why not? I have to give you something, right?
Narcissa: but why the cake?
Volpene: would you prefer madness?
Volpene: I bet you wouldn’t
Narcissa: but… a farting cake?
Volpene: I like to fart
Volpene: *farts hard*
Volpene: and I love the idea of you, taking my family’s legacy onwards
Volpene: I think you will be remembered forever by so many, many people
Volpene: as a matter of fact it was sad to see this recipe just sit there and dust
Volpene: not many people understand the arts
Volpene: *farts loudly*
Narcissa: the farts
Volpene: that too
Narcissa: so you’re telling me that people will know what it means to eat it and still do it?
Volpene: yes
Narcissa: why?
Volpene: they will come and look at you and they will eat it willingly
Narcissa: why?
Volpene: they would eat dogshit from your hand and it is not polite for a lady to feed people with a canine feces
Narcissa: I see where it’s going
Volpene: do you?
Narcissa: yes
Volpene: *farts*
Narcissa: you heard the rumours and now you want to know the Black Sisters’ Family Secret
Narcissa: you want to know how would Andy and yours truly make our sister Bella eat shit
Volpene: *throwing her wand in the air in awe*
Volpene: YOU DID WHAT—
Volpene: WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAT
Narcissa: wait a minute
Narcissa: you didn’t know that?
Volpene: *grabs her armchair and farts loudly and longingly* *barks like a dog*
Narcissa: so—
Volpene: wait!
Volpene: *continues farting*
Narcissa: *lets out a series of machinegun farts*
Narcissa: I am going to slightly modify the recipe to make the fuse burn for several minutes and then make it even more hardcore
Volpene: the right hands, I knew that the minute I saw this cute little butt of yours
Narcissa: uhm… thanks, I guess
Volpene: now tell me about your sister!
Narcissa: oh, Bella?
Narcissa: or Andy?
Volpene: Bella as Bellatrix, soon to be married to that oddball Lestrange boy?
Volpene: he’s weird
Narcissa: you have no idea
Narcissa: anyway Andy, Andromeda, my sister, makes Bella eat her ass
Narcissa: and poop
Volpene: wh—
Narcissa: like shit in her mouth
Volpene: *farts*
Volpene: why?
Narcissa: why what?
Volpene: *farts*
Narcissa: *farts*
Narcissa: it’s like our asses were involved in a parallel conversation
Volpene: *farts* exactly
Volpene: was Andy doing it to Bella for fun?
Narcissa: obviously
Narcissa: also Andy hates people who hate Muggles so it’s a sort of pre-revenge—ish-ness
Volpene: oh I never met her but I already love her deeply
Narcissa: Bella or Andy?
Volpene: Bella sounds like an innocent victim of your evil actions
Narcissa: Bella is a smelly bitch and she hates muggles
Volpene: why
Narcissa: because she’s also a stupid bitch
Volpene: *farts*
Narcissa: *lifts her left cheek and farts silently*
Volpene: did you just let out a silent one?
Narcissa: yes, I’ve been trying to let out every second one that way
Volpene: amazing
Volpene: you will make me so proud
Narcissa: why?
Narcissa: some more of your „predictions”?
Volpene: nah
Volpene: *farts*
Volpene: you truly are a gem
Volpene: noone was ever able to squeeze them out in a quiet kinda way
Narcissa: my ass is magical
Volpene: I saw some of your actions so yeah I could say that too
Narcissa: were you spying on me?
Volpene: were you spying on your cousins while they were fucking?
Volpene: through an old portrait, maybe?
Narcissa: *makes a concerned face*
Volpene: oh please
Narcissa: I was letting a silent one out
Volpene: you’re a skilled farter
Narcissa: I do stuff with my butt that you wouldn’t believe
Volpene: I think that is the current topic of our conversation
Narcissa: Andy never liked the fact that Bella keeps going back to the wrong crowd
Narcissa: and because Bella was always involved with the evilest of the baddies
Narcissa: *farts*
Volpene: *farts*
Narcissa: so she decided that it would be a small victory of the good ones if that smelly skank tasted like shit
Narcissa: we knew she was fucking around
Volpene: so she planted a poop breather among them
Narcissa: also she is kinda quiet and not very smelly when Andy smothers her with her big, juicy booty
Narcissa: so that’s that
Volpene: speaking of letting a silent one out, I think I shat myself a little
Narcissa: I think you and Andy are going to be really good friends
Narcissa: maybe she’ll let you shit into Bella’s mouth too
Volpene: most definitely a thing worthy of waiting for
Volpene: I think you got to go, my dear
Volpene: I just realised I shat myself badly and it would be better for us to just…
Narcissa: I understand
Narcissa: I am not sure my panties are clean enough too
Volpene: oh please
Volpene: I know you’re not wearing panties
Volpene: I know you well
Narcissa: alright
Narcissa: *bows and farts* m’lady
Volpene: my queen
Narcissa: l’m sorry I need to leave you
Volpene: just go, child
Volpene: I will see you soon enough
Narcissa: okay byeeeee
Narcissa: *clacks her heels on the marble-golden floor and leaves*
Volpene: *sigh*
Volpene: *apparates under the shower*
Volpene: oh holy fuck I just shat myself in front of my daughter in law
Volpene: I should be embarrassed
Volpene: should I not?
Volpene’s portrait from the wall: why? Because you shat yourself?
Portrait: fuck no
Volpene: you’re right
Volpene: I am not ashamed
Volpene: *magically takes off her dress and starts showering*
Volpene: *looks down on her high heels full of shitty water*
Volpene: oh for fuck’s sake
Volpene and her Portrait: NOT AGAIN
Draco: I need Harry’s cum
Hermione: just cum, or dick too
Draco: are you insane
Draco: of course I need his dick too
Draco: I was just—
Draco: what is this?
Hermione: *holding a magical jar full of white fluid and two plastic straws*
Hermione: what? this?
Hermione: *hides it back to her bag*
Hermione: nothing
Draco: I wish you never stopped fucking my ass
Harry: I won’t
Draco: and this moment will freeze in time forever
Harry: I gotta cum sometimes
Draco: NO YOU DONT
Harry: no I don’t
Harry: *continues fucking Draco*
Professor McGonagall: ahem
Professor McGonagall: Potter do I need to remind you that you were NOT supposed to get caught with this whole Dumbledore Army?
Harry: ssh, Professor!
Harry: bribing the enemy forces is a delicate matter
Harry: please leave
Draco: I will find you anyway
Harry: please don’t
Draco: one day you’ll stop fucking me and then me and my goons
Harry: *grabs Draco’s dick*
Draco: Me and MY GOONS will BUST YOU and you will GO TO HOGWARTS PRISON and everyone will FUCK YOUR POOR BITCH ASS AND YOU WILL SUCK MY——
Draco: *cums buckets*
Draco: *moans and devours Potter with his ass*
Draco: *screams*
Professor McGonagall: *from behind the door* Jesus Christ this boy is kinky
Professor McGonagall: just like his mother
Professor McGonagall: *sigh* gods I miss her
Draco: hey, Potter!
Draco: you know what I just realised?
Harry: that you are addicted to my dick?
Draco: y…s
Hermione: what
Draco: I mean: no!
Draco: and I hate you!
Harry: as always nice talking to you, Malfoy
Draco: I am not talking to you!
Hermione: I never thought that before, but—
Hermione: is he alright?
Harry: he just announced that he expects me to fuck his ass after the quidditch match today
Hermione: what
Hermione: when
Harry: he loves the ass pounding
Harry: the worse things I say to him, the better it goes
Hermione: like what
Harry: like that I hate his family or that his ass is so loose because literally every gryffindor fucks it or that I prefer your ass because it is more girlish
Hermione: my butt is more girlish
Harry: this boys does so many squats his butt is literally two spheres by now
Hermione: whoa
Harry: and believe me or not, he bounces back on me so hard, his poop is a shape of my dick
Hermione: good girls don’t poop, Harry
Harry: it’s a figure of speech
Hermione: it is not
Harry: it is
Hermione: I never heard it before and I know everything
Harry: yeah maybe you’re right
Harry: but the point is, he expects me to pound his cute, peachy butt and I will
Harry: the hardest I can
Hermione: you guys are crazy
Harry: said the girl that fucked her best friend’s brothers twice this week and it’s only Wednesday
Harry: no judging
Harry: just being honest and open minded about the real craziness here
Hermione: I just can’t let these opportunities slip away
Harry: why would they slip away
Hermione: you-know-who could just come here and kill you and the school will be over for at least a month
Harry: wh—
Harry: a month—
Harry: why would he—
Harry: I am prepared to fight him all the time!
Hermione: he could literally walk in your dorm dressed like Draco and you would let him do everything to you
Harry: Draco wouldn’t
Hermione: he might be in for it
Harry: ah, well
Harry: yolo
normalise draco’s deepthroating harry in every single smutfic
Hermione: except for Ronald Weasley
Hermione: noone ever said „no” to me
Draco: noone ever said „no” to me neither
Pansy: you just don’t listen to „noes”
Draco: because I never hear them
Pansy: Neville told you „no” last Thursday
Draco: I didn’t hear that
Pansy: he said it five times and then he passed out from exhaustion
Draco: he said he loves me
Draco: so I stopped mid-fuck to see what the fuck
Draco: looked into his eyes and boy oh boy that man was gone
Draco: barely breathing
Pansy: he asked you to stop
Draco: no he didn’t
Pansy: I have his memory from the pensieve
Draco: really? I want to see that
Pansy: okay then, let’s fly to our house
~
At the Longbottoms’
Pansy: does anyone fancy a brew?
Draco: *already climbing up the stairs* yeah I am so thirsty
Hermione: Draco!
Neville: *from upstairs* Draco?
Draco: sorry gurls, I have been summoned
Neville: no you weren’t!
Pansy: Draco, get back here
Pansy: NOW
Draco: what for?
Pansy: you are banned from sucking Neville’s dick for a year!
Draco: *gasp*
Draco: *diva faint*
Hermione: that’s too harsh
Pansy: how else will he learn?
Draco: I am dead
Draco: officially dead as… dead person
Draco: horny dead person
Hermione: I could suck your dick right now if it helped somehow
Draco: I am dead and surrounded by sluts
Pansy: I didn’t hear what you said over the kettle
Draco: I am dying young
Draco: terminally ill from the lack of medicine
Pansy: let me guess
Pansy: my husband’s cock
Draco: yessss… please
Pansy: half year then
Pansy: after three months of your best behaviour I can reconsider my decision
Draco: three long months of torture
Hermione: Draco please
Hermione: Ronald refused to fuck my ass for literal years
Draco: you dare comparing your disgusting muggle shitter to my delightful mouth with the deepest throat
Draco: I am surrounded by fools
Pansy: anyway are we doing this or what
Draco: ninety days of not doing this I heard
Pansy: good boy
Pansy: we were supposed to check the pensieve over what happened that day
Draco: again, torture
Draco: I will see myself in my bestest of bestests times of my life only to be reminded that they are gone
Pansy: oh come on
Pansy: stick your face in it, you whore
Hermione: do it and I will finger you
Draco: *lifts his miniskirt, puts face in the pensieve*
Hermione: *sigh, takes the timeturner into her hand*
Pansy: okay
after
Pansy: so as I was saying
Draco: meow
Hermione: I have to stop now
Draco: don’t you dare
Hermione: okay
Pansy: you saw Draco not listening to my husband’s begging, right?
Hermione: I saw him begging
Hermione: jesus christ that was hot
Hermione: I would suck Neville’s dick four times more if there was such an option
Draco: but there isn’t
Hermione: but there isn’t
Hermione: sadly
Draco: I saw this beautiful specimen first
Pansy: actually
Draco: I will be suffering for weeks now
Draco: twelve long weeks without the perfection in my mouth or my ass
Pansy: you have your husband and literally anyone you want
Pansy: three months is a hygienic period for some resting to take place
Draco: three long months
Draco: of nothing
Draco: Granger
Hermione: yes?
Draco: you know what to do
Hermione: oh, yes
Hermione: *throats his dick and fingers his butt until he cums*
Pansy: see? You don’t need Neville to—
Draco: to what
Pansy: to feel good
Hermione: that was only a little bit of appetiser
Hermione: like a tiny, salty cracker before a brobdingnagian feast
Draco: yes
Draco: I came in her cumhole and I felt ecstatic
Draco: but we all know what it is that I need
Hermione: I will go to the toilet
Pansy: over there
Hermione: okay
Pansy: Draco, listen
Pansy: you will appreciate him more
Pansy: after those… two and a half months
Draco: two
Draco: I will suffer two months
Draco: you will experience my best behaviour for two months
Draco: please, Pans
Pansy: okay, alright
Pansy: two months, starting from today
Draco: yesterday!
Pansy: *sigh* okay
Draco: I need to leave the premises
Pansy: you don’t need to leave th—
Pansy: I made us some tea
Draco: *sips his tea* great tea
Hermione: I’m back
Draco: what took you so long
Hermione: I had to let one out
Draco: fucking slutwhore
Hermione: *sigh*
Draco: drink your tea and take me home
Draco: your home
Draco: I can’t go home like this
Hermione: like what
Draco: like this
Draco: humiliated by my best friends
Draco: separated with my sweetest lollipop
Draco: we have to go, my mascara is going down my face
Hermione: no it isn’t
Pansy: you look the same as usual
Hermione: perfect
Draco: I need to get out of this house
Draco: thank you for the tea, Pansy, you’re a gem
Hermione: can we use your floo—
Pansy: why do you even ask
Hermione: I’m a polite—
Draco: come, whore, we’re leaving
Hermione: —person…
Pansy: bye, guys!
~
At the Hermione’s apartment
Hermione: now get on your knees, you dumb whore
Draco: what’s going on
Hermione: I stole Neville’s hair from a hairbrush
Draco: are you sure it’s his
Hermione: we will see, won’t we?
Draco: what are you waiting for?
Draco: bring the polyjuice potion!
Hermione: I have it on me, be patient!
Draco: NOW
Hermione: you either shut the fuck up or I’m fucking you lazy and not very nice
Draco: *sigh*
Hermione: *drinks polyjuice potion, becomes Neville*
Draco: oh my fucking god you’re gorgeous
Hermione: close your eyes and show me how you make my dick disappear
Draco: yes, sir
Draco: *starts licking that rod*
Hermione: what is it about me that you love so much?
Draco: glg glg glg
Hermione: that’s what I thought
Harry: your mouth tastes like cum
Draco: I’ve been sucking Neville’s dick for most of the morning
Draco: your hair smells like carrots
Draco: what the fuck have you been doing
Draco: where were you
Harry: so Hermione and I—
Draco: shush
Harry: ???
Draco: I don’t wanna know
Draco: just tell me this:
Draco: did you and this forsaken whore have vaginal sex?
Harry: vaginal sex?
Harry: with Hermione?
Harry: Jesus Christ how
Draco: you smell weirdly
Draco: I assumed it’s her pussy
Harry: no!
Harry: I fucked her ass in Molly Weasley’s pantry
Harry: there were carrots
Harry: like everywhere
Draco: how did they end up in your hair
Harry: do you really wanna know exactly how kinky is Hermione
Harry: or do you prefer the 'very' version
Draco: how the fuck is your hair smelling like carrots, Potter?
Harry: she made them peel themselves and rain on us
Harry: apparently it is carrot soup day at the Burrow
Draco: was Molly there too
Draco: did Granger make her watch you fuck her in carrot confetti
Harry: n—
Draco: was it a power play where you were merely just a hot rod to impale a dumb, nasty whore with
Draco: fuck
Harry: n—
Draco: shush!
Draco: my version is better
Harry: okay
Draco: geez that bitch is kinky
Draco: my day was simple
Draco: I went down on Neville
Harry: cool
Draco: then again and again
Harry: oh
Draco: then he cried so I apparated to Blaise and sucked his giant black eel too
Harry: oh, nice
Harry: you had fun too, honey
Draco: yeah it was mostly vanilla…
Harry: it’s okay
Harry: isn’t it?
Draco: …as it is white, sweet and comes in nicely smelling sticks
Harry: would you like to suck one more?
Draco: it depends
Draco: does it smell like carrots?
Harry: sheesh!
Draco: what
Harry: I forgot who I’m talking to
Harry: shut up and on your knees you whore
Draco: *kneels obediently*
Harry: you eat only cum
Harry: you need to eat some vegetables too
Harry: *flips his dick out*
Harry: here’s my carrot
Harry: eat it—
Draco: *starts licking it like crazy*
Draco: *deepthroats him wholly*
Draco: glg GLB
Harry: oh my GOD
Harry: this is not how you’re supposed to eat a carrot
Draco: *deepthroats him angrily* GLG BLG GLG
Harry: yes, it is more important that you do eat it, not how you eat it
Harry: I will tell your mother that you eat healthy
Harry: if she asks
Harry: but I bet she knows she raised you well and you simply never walk away from a fresh, juicy carrot
Draco: *gasp* STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT CARROTS OR I’LL BITE YOURS IN HALF
Harry: who told you that you can speak
Harry: *grabs Draco’s head and starts fucking it*
Harry: yeah
Harry: just like that
Harry: and by the way, Molly says hi
Draco: GLK HLK GLG
Harry: I have a jar of soup for you in my bag
Draco: HHHHH!
Draco: *chokes on the dick*
Harry: would you please focus
Harry: you’re impossible
