VLD (Broganes) Whumpmas Day 8 - Mental Health
@vldwhumpmas2017
Oops. I’m a day late. My fault. I’ve been busy the past two days. But I graduated college, so there’s that. Now I have more time to write.
Disclaimer: I typically do not write mental health related fics. So if the emotion seems off in this one, that may be why.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Panic Attacks. Unintentional Self Harm.
In reality, Keith knew he shouldn’t have chosen a school so far from home. His parents tried to talk him out of it. His friends tried to change his mind. Shiro begged him not to do it. But in the end, Keith’s stubbornness won out and he decided to go as far from home as he could. He hoped some distance would help him be more independent, maybe he wouldn’t have to lean so heavily on all of them.
That’s how he wound up in the middle of Oklahoma, a good 14 hour drive from home. He didn’t exactly regret his decision. He loved his campus. His professors were great. His classes weren’t too overwhelming. And he got along surprisingly well with his two roommates. But he knew about his disorder. He knew, eventually, he would have an attack. And he didn’t know who he could turn to 14 hours from home.
That day came sooner than he was prepared for. It was only three weeks into his first semester. He wasn’t sure what prompted the attack; but then again, he rarely ever did. Regrettably, he was alone in the dorm room. Neither Hunk nor Lance should be back for at least three hours. They’d scheduled all their classes in the afternoon for some reason, thought Keith couldn’t complain about it. He usually enjoyed the alone time.
But now that he was all alone, curled up on the floor beside his bed shivering hard. His knees were pulled tightly against his chest and he rocked back and forth. His heart felt like it might jump out of his chest and he just wanted to cry, but his eyes felt uncomfortably dry. He feared every labored breath he took would be his last. The anxiety pooled in his stomach and a sense of nauseousness crept over him. His fingernails dug so deep in the palms of his hands that he started to break the skin.
Through the fog of panic and anxiety in his mind, he broadly picked out a longing for his home, for his brother. If he were home, Shiro would be crouched down beside him whispering soft words of comfort. He would talk Keith down and support him through the attack and the inevitable miserable feelings that followed. Shiro’s touch was always so gentle and welcome. His presence was an anchor for Keith to latch onto to prevent himself from drifting into the terrors of his mind. He missed Shiro. He needed Shiro.
At possibly the worst time ever, Lance threw open the door to the room and rushed in. “Yo, I forgot my biochem text-” He stopped abruptly in his tracks when he caught a glimpse of Keith on the floor. “Dude, what’s going on.”
Keith couldn’t form words. He opened his mouth a few times, but his teeth just chattered for a while before he clamped his mouth shut again. He registered Lance’s presence, but he couldn’t find the mental capacity to be embarrassed. He’d never told his roommates about his panic disorder. And he definitely didn’t want them to find out like this. But it was bound to happen sooner or later. Thankfully, Lance didn’t seem too taken aback. In fact, he seemed genuinely concerned. He’d completely detoured from his forgotten textbook. He may have even forgotten about the class he was supposed to be on his way to.
Lance just sat next to him silently. Keith recalled Lance had talked about having a few panic attacks before. But Lance’s were always prompted by something, like a stressful experience or impending deadline. Keith tried to latch himself onto Lance as an anchor to reality. If he couldn’t have Shiro, he would have to make due.
He managed to ground himself to the motion of Lance’s knee bouncing restlessly - ADHD; Lance had mentioned that before. Eventually, he managed to find his voice. “Shiro,” He gasped put through jagged breaths.
Shiro was Keith’s brother. Lance knew that. Keith was a very private roommate; he didn’t often talk about his life or his family that he obviously missed very much (though he would never admit to it). Lance could pick up on stuff like that. But in the few conversations they’d had about Keith’s family, he remembered Keith mentioning his his brother and how close they were. Lance figured Shiro was the one Keith usually talked to about his problems. Maybe if he could find Keith’s phone, he could call Shiro. Even though Shiro wasn’t able to be there, maybe just having his voice around would calm Keith. That was Lance’s logic.
Keith’s phone was resting on his desk as it usually was and Lance was quick to guess the passcode. Keith seemed like the guy that would make his birthday his passcode. It didn’t take long for Lance to find Shiro in Keith’s contact list; he only had about twenty contacts overall. All the while, he kept a trained eye on Keith, trying to keep him from slipping away again. He started to notice the blood racing down Keith’s palms. It was starting to enter levels of physical danger. If this Shiro thing didn’t work, he would resort to calling campus safety.
The phone rang three times before Shiro picked up. “Hey Keith, what’s going on?” The older man answered cheerfully.
“Hi. You don’t know me. I’m Lance, one of Keith’s roommates.” Lance spoke calmly, fearing that if he lost his cool, he would spiral into his own panic.
Shiro, however, wasn’t able to contain his emotion. He immediately assumed the worst. “Where’s Keith? Is he okay? Is he hurt? Hold on, I’ll drive there.” He rattled off all too fast.
“I’m here with Keith. Keith’s currently having a pretty bad panic attack. He asked for you. Don’t bother coming, I know how far away you live. Just, if it’s not too much trouble, I’m gonna put you on speaker and you could try to talk him down. He seems to be coming down, but I think you would really help him.” Lance explained, starting to feel his own heart rate rising. He had to stay calm, for Keith’s sake.
“Yeah, I can do that. Put me on speaker and set the phone next to him.”
Lance nodded. “Okay, you’re on speaker.” He added once he set the phone down.
“Keith. Hey, buddy. Hold on. I’m here.” Shiro started rattling off gentle reassurances, taking long pauses to gauge Keith’s reactions. At the sound of Shiro’s voice, Keith’s eyes darted to the phone. Finally, something familiar for him to latch onto. With some verbal breathing exercises, Keith was able to get his breathing back to normal. He started breathing normally again. His heart rate started to go back to normal levels and he regained mobility, finally pulling his fingernails out of his palms. The shivering and shaking was next to stop.
“Keith, how are you doing buddy?” Shiro asked when he heard Keith’s breath hitch in a sob.
“I’m okay,” He was suddenly overwhelmed by a new range of emotions. He started sobbing. “I’m better now.” He was quick to wipe his tears away, remembering that Lance was in the room. He wasn’t used to Lance sitting around so quietly. Lance didn’t seem to mind his crying, though; he handed Keith the box of tissues.
Shiro knew the next few hours would be a roller coaster of emotions for Keith. But with the attack over, Keith knew how to manage himself. “You’re gonna be okay.” Shiro reassured.
Keith wiped his eyes. “Thanks Shiro.” They bid each other friendly goodbyes. He quickly looked at Lance, “And thank you, Lance. You skipped class for me.”
Lance waved it off with a small smile. “Just, don’t be so secretive about it. You really scared me there for a bit.” He tracked down his first aid kit. “Let’s get your hands bandaged up.”