weird randomly looking at tumblr for the first time in like 6 months and seeing which blogs are dead and which kept posting
and how easy it is to disappear from online, a part of your life slipping away into the inky blue recesses of the distant lovecraftian tumblr deity
i use twitter now, @ thaumagnus, but no one save maybe loki will read this. weird that not counting the two people I know from school, only 1 person I maintained a connection to from tumblr.
well, I’m really appreciative of them, a lot. Them being loki, but the other two as well.
But, anyways, yeah this blog is dead. maybe someday in a few years I’ll come back and unfollow everything and restart? who knows. But first, life has to mean something to me more than the feeling of waiting in line, distracted by the colorful lights of candies you won’t buy because you don’t have money, knowing its all temporary anyways and you don’t feel like buying it. I want existence to feel like existence. Maybe that’s too much to ask. I don’t know. I can’t even put up the effort to self-harm. Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know what good would imply. I don’t feel like I have a personality.
I’m going to university soon, far away from my homestate. I’ll be drowning in debt someday because I didn’t bother to do any scholarships save the 15k for each of 4 years by the school itself, because I didn’t feel like writing a 2 hour essay to remove 2 months of debt or whatever. I don’t know, 500 dollar scholarships feel meaningless in the long run. Maybe going somewhere far will be helpful. Maybe I’ll just be another burnout who peaked in middle school EXPO class.
As empty as every weekend being in my room alone is, I’m afraid of conflict with my father. Eventually, I’m going to have to come out. Someway or another. I chose a gender inclusive housing option at the school I’m going to and so I’m afraid of that. I’m going to grow out my hair, maybe if I feel like it die it white with purple / pink ends on it. I can only live a life of perpetual lies for so long. I still have to go to church despite not believing in anything since I was 14. I’m afraid of coming out and my father being angry and disappointed. I hate my father, why is his disappointment so hurting? Why does it fucking stab me at my core? I am almost legally an adult and I’m afraid of him, afraid of his rising temper and disappointment once he realizes how long I’ve been living a lie. I’m gay, depressed, liberal, nonbinary, I have / have had friends and romantic relations with people that he’d view as toxic “satanist” influences on top of the fact that dating is forbidden, and what’s funny is that he can’t even begin to imagine what monster lurks in my deck Tell me Oh you’ll find out ima bout to summon it how “satanist” my influences are, not even being able to imagine the concept of nonbinary.
Senior year feels like a slow fuse. I’m sick of my nightmares of my dad. I’m sick of not eating but not being hungry.