Updates on "Books I Am Reading": On Stagnancy, Overconsuming and Procrastination
So...from January to April I have posted the out loud promise to myself that I would read what is now a total of 5 books. I was supposed to complete them for each month and got completely overwhelmed with the idea of reading that I didn't. I kept pushing back and pushing back, and adding a new book still to continue the new month while completing the book of the last month.
I am going to take my time and reintroduce myself to the practice of reading.
This year is lined up to be a reflective and introspective one. I am digging into myself and simultaneously trying to put out and share my truths with the world through various digital platforms. For over a decade I have been lost to myself due to multiple forms of anxiety, self hate in three layers and long term depression.
One thing I don't thing people talk about much is how when you treat your depression and are seemingly better, you have lost so much time in regards to the things you used to do and loved to do. I draw at the same level I did when I was 10-11. I am 25. 14-15 of artistic stagnancy is something I have to live with and push past. I have to forgive myself when I compare myself to the 14 year old who has a set style or the other 25 year old who has never stopped drawing since a kid and now can switch between art styles and draw from simplistically to caricatured to hyper-realism.
I also have to come to terms with having patience over guilt with the other things I loved to do: reading and writing. If I want to have these things I have to not let those lost years eat me. If I want to perfect these things I have to practice.
It may feel like I am starting from zero after all this time but it is okay.
Apart of me knows that by focusing on arbitrary time limits on reading and writing a check list to cross out I am intentionally running away from DOING. I am procrastination on the things that I currently am capable of, and for what? Fear? Of what?
Perfection.
I am over consuming on research and methods of thinking so that I can perfect thinking...when I should just take the time and think. Then I take too much time with that because I think the thinking isn't finished, the thoughts aren't realized, so I can't possibly then speak! Or write!
I have been stagnant and I should not be letting this be so for another day. I am not in the years of 10 through 22. I have my ups and downs with my mental health but there is no cure for these things - only time, care and treatment.
I have to stop overconsuming to figure out the perfect way to then create. I just have to take the first step and create.
I have to be done procrastinating. Done-done.
I'm done.