“I think I’m in love with you and I don’t know what to do.” or “Please just look at me while I confess, after that you can look anywhere you like, I swear.”
“Oh shit,” Steve says as the rain starts to fall. There’s been thunder rumbling in the distance, but he thought he’d thought he’d be able to get to the diner before it started. He was wrong. He looks around, seeing if there’s some place he can take refuge. Of course, he’s only half a block away from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.
Without thinking too hard about it, he hustles his way towards the doors; though, by the time he gets inside, he’s already wet.
Steve means to stay in the vestibule until the rain stops but it stops pouring and, well, the vestibule is cold. It’s Saturday. He doesn’t think Bucky will just be hanging out in the church, right? Even priests get some time off.
Besides, it’s been a while since he’s been inside Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. It’s his childhood church, the place his mother used to take him. Steve used to come every Sunday, even as the prayers themselves became hollow to him. But the sense of community and the feeling of his mother watching… That was enough.
Of course, that’s when Bucky came back wearing a clerical collar.
He opens the door, taking in the pews, the stained glass, dripping with rain. And Bucky, sitting in one of the front rows with a Bible in hand. Before Steve can make a hasty retreat, Bucky’s head pops up. He smiles. “Hi Steve, long time no see.”
“Yeah,” Steve says, feeling sick to his stomach. He’d been a regular at Bucky’s services until he wasn’t. Until the day that they sat together talking and Steve realized that he was falling back in love with his best friend. That he was falling in love with someone who can’t love him back without losing everything he’s worked for in his life.
“Escaping the rain?” Bucky asks.
“Yeah.”
“Stay as long as you’d like,” Bucky says. “I can go, if you’d be more comfortable.”
Steve starts his way down the aisle, approaching Bucky. “It’s your church.”
“It’s God’s church,” Bucky says in a sarcastic voice with a bit of a smirk. He’s not a boring priest; he’s a cool priest. A cool priest whose black shirt can barely contain him, Steve notices. It looks like he’s been working out.
Jesus made Bucky swoll, Steve thinks somewhat irrationally.
“It’s good to see you,” Bucky says, his smile turning genuine.
“Yeah.”
“You able to say anything other than yeah?” Bucky asks, nudging his side as Steve sits down next to him.
“Yeah,” Steve says, cracking a smile of his own.
Bucky chuckles, setting his book down on the pew next to him. “Everything been okay? I’ve been a little worried for the past two months.”
“You’ve been keeping track?”
“Only God keeps track.” Bucky shakes head. “But here I am, His servant.”
“So this is telling me that you’re keeping track.”
“Potentially.” He smiles. “You’re one of my oldest, best friends. Of course I’m keeping track.”
Steve pauses, bites down hard on his lip. Bucky deserves an explanation, even if it’s not something that he wants to hear. “Can I confess something to you?” Steve asks.
“Oh, sure,” Bucky says, looking a bit surprised. “Let’s just—” Bucky starts standing up, but Steve grabs his hand.
“Here is fine,” Steve says.
Bucky sits back down, but he looks troubled. “This isn’t how I’m supposed to do this, you know.”
“I just need… Please just look at me while I confess, after that you can look anywhere you like, I swear.”
“Okay,” Bucky says.
“I stopped believing in God a while ago. I just kept coming here because I know it’s what my mom wanted.” Bucky’s eyes go a little wide, but Steve keeps talking, trying to get all of the words out before he loses his nerve. “And you showed up and it was… God, Buck, seeing you again was amazing. But it also brought back a lot of memories. And with time… Feelings.” He swallows hard. “I think I’m in love with you and I don’t know what to do.”
“You’re in love with me?” Bucky asks, voice almost steady.
Steve nods. “I am.”
Bucky pauses. He looks away for just a moment, then seems to remember his promise to Steve and looks right back at him. He exhales, then runs a hand through his dark hair. “Steve, I—”
“I don’t expect anything,” Steve interrupts. “But that’s why I wasn’t coming to church. When I figured it out, I didn’t think it was appropriate.”
“Probably not.”
“But I felt like I owed you the explanation.”
Bucky nods. “I appreciate it.” He pauses. “Since you don’t believe in God anymore, I doubt you’re looking for rosaries or anything.”
“No. I don’t think loving is a sin. I won’t ask to be forgiven to be in love.”
Bucky smiles. “I agree.”
There’s a long moment where the two of them just… look. At one another. Steve tries to take in every detail of Bucky, cataloging it in his memory so he’ll be able to look back on this. One day, he’ll probably even find this moment funny. Not heartbreaking or tragic, like he does right now.
“For a while now…” Bucky starts as he reaches out, taking Steve’s hand in his. “I’ve been looking for a sign.” He squeezes hard. “When I saw you sitting in church that Sunday, I thought it was just that.”
“I won’t be back,” Steve promises.
“Neither will I,” Bucky says, before leaning in and kissing him.
— —
Leaving the church is a difficult, guilt-ridden journey for Bucky. But it’s the right choice. He’d been struggling for a long time and Steve is glad that their relationship gave him the push to do what was right for him.
And it feels worth it, a few years later, when the two of them walk hand-in-hand past Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow, both a little older and both a little grayer, but happier than they’ve ever been.
