#herrandomthoughts

[herrandomthoughts]

We kindled a fire that both of us didn't know how to extinguish 🖤

So I loved and lost someone who I thought was the one I thought I'd spend forever with.

And it ended...

But here I am, alive and kicking hehe. Moving on may take a bit longer to heal, but the heart can always heal once you decide to move on. At first, I really thought I will stay heart broken forever, and refuse to date again for the reason that it might happen again. To be honest, I miss the feeling of being in love, when you can get butterflies in your stomach and when hours of being together feel like minutes. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty.

I was shocked because it seemed so right and I dont understand what went wrong. Why does a relationship that feels so right end?

Another year over and I am still troubled by a relationship that ended 2 years ago. The whole thing is dragging on too long, why cant I just get over it?

I realized that it's not easy to move on most specially if you really do love that person too much. It's really easy to give advises to others, but so hard to use and apply it on yourself lol now I know the feeling of being the one who listens to my friends giving advises. Perhaps there's a part of me holds out hope that we could get back together again but I dont know when and how to start. Maybe I should just move on, let go of him to find my happiness and go on with my life, no matter how amazing he made me feel. Funny how everyone thinks I am over him haha. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes. Lately I've been grieving over it like it just happened. I think because he appears in my dreams occasionally and that's when I start getting sad over it again. I've tried accepting suitors to get through it but I ended up pushing them away from me. My friends keep on nagging me, because most of my friends thought that my ex cheated on me, where in fact I believe he didn't, cause I know in myself I know him too well. I spent so much time and effort trying to fight against fate to make him stay. My colleagues from my previous workplace had witnessed my stupidity, and told me to stop hurting myself cause it's obvious that he's not coming back. I still remember the message he sent to me by mistake haha or maybe he did it on purpose to push me away from him. That moment I cried a river while working during my graveyard shift. I really feel pity on myself while remembering those times. I loved him so much that I was willing to turn blind eye and that I ignored the warning voice running in my head telling me it was a bad idea. My mistake was pretending nothing was wrong and swept the problems and red flags aside. I was dealing with great sorrow way back then, cause I have just lost a beautiful man ( i have my reasons why i can still call him beautiful despite on what happened between us, I hold no grudge).

But right now, at this very moment (while writing this one) I am glad and satisfied for what I have right now. I really need to get and find myself back after losing it. Moving forward, finally letting go of the pain and getting back on track. I am thinking the things I missed, while I am busy thinking all of this moving on thingy. I am slowly accepting that maybe we're not meant to be and maybe that's okay. That we were a mistake right from the start and we were wrong for eachother (I can still remember this is what exactly he told me) That we are better off apart and living our own separate lives and we are toxic to eachother. With him, I became another version of myself that I couldn't recognize. I was too focused on him to be there for myself. I was too in loved. But now, I can reclaim my own identity and be the person I'm meant to be without him by my side.

Maybe we're not meant to be together. Not yet. Or not just in this lifetime. Maybe we're meant to have a perfect life in our perfect world in the next lifetime or even the one after that. (The King: Eternal Monarch ang peg? haha kdrama pa more) Maybe in that lifetime i'll be brave enough to be with you and brave enough to never let you go. And slowly I have come to my senses and accept that I can only truly find my own happiness after I let you go.

I have faith that one day, "I will get there"

Everything happens for a reason... -jedang

screnshoots from the movie

"The Girl Allergic to Wi-Fi"

[herrandomthoughts]

Quarantine life 🍃

Another day has passed. I think this year serves as an unpredictable break for all of us. I wonder when will this pandemic be over or how long this is likely to last. Majority of us are still spending much more of our time at home. So might as well we stay entertained. We all have different things of what we can do to keep ourselves busy. Because we don't know during this pandemic some of us will slowly going stir crazy not able to go outside and do the things we're used to. So let me share to you my quarantine life. During the 1st and 2nd week, my colleagues and I started to play volleyball, footballand jumping rope. But as days went by, we got bored 😅😏 In the long run, everyone's living their own lives inside each Villa. We even turned the days into nights, nights into days right now. We sleep during daytime, and awake during night time. And having our first meal of the day around 5-6pm. One time I woke up for no reason and went outside around noon time, and literally there's nobody outside (except the security guards). I learned playing UNO cards (thanks to our Italian pastry chef hihi). I wasn't informed that my foreign workmates are into water gun fighting lmao. (i think they ran out of things to do that it leads them to buy water guns and running and playing like kids inside the compound). They even asked me one time to go out because they said it was emergency and by the moment I came out from the door (in a rush, cause they told me to hurry up, and FYI I am fresh from the shower that time and already in my PJs) to my surprise, they gave me another bath by throwing me a huge pot of water haha and of course they did the same thing to the others. Yahh, they're really having fun enjoying games like these :)) So this is one of the crazy things this quarantine made us do. And sometimes when I'm in the mood, I play dress up and wasting my make-up for a 15second tiktok video, selfies and room pictorials 😎 I also binge watching netflix specially korean dramas, I'm not really into these kind of movies before, but big thanks to Rachel for introducing me to Kdrama world hehe. I am starting to get addicted and can't get rid of it now. I just love how they act so genuine in every scene in a movie and I cry so easily while watching huhu they're just so real and true as if it's not scripted hayyys. Mapapa-SANA ALL ka nalang 😀 I also started my home workout with a little help from an app. This has been my plan for a long time ago to get a 6-pack abs haha but i don't know why I keep failing at this exercise thingy. But at this very moment, I am on my 36th day of straight workout, with 107 workouts and 853 minutes (cause I have all the time to do it now, no excuses lol). Yup, the app I am using comes with a calendar progress haha. I always do my workout right before I go for a shower. My roommate and I decided to go out sometimes for a walk around neighborhood, we do it every 2 days or if feel namin maglakad haha. Our goal is to have a minimum of 8,000-10,000 steps and sometimes we reach 13,000 steps and it feels so so good. But later on, I can't stop overeating again right after every workout hahaha whyyy. In fairness, I can now see a little improvement from trying so hard working out my ass. We stopped working last March 16, 2019 so exactly today marks the 73rd day being unemployed haha. And thanks to our company who never abandon and still supporting us. They still provide us home and food and giving us atleast the 25% of our whole salary every month, since there's no business. Though it is not much, but it's better than to have nothing, right? It is sort of getting paid just by sitting our ass of all day on the couch and watch netflix hahaha.(I'm feeling guilty right now lol) They still doing the right thing despite of this coronavirus crisis. And I'm so grateful for that and for every little thing I have right now. I hope everyone is doing well and that all of you are in good health, and this ongoing crisis will teach all of us many important lessons about life. 🙂😊🙏🏻 -jedang

[herrandomthoughts]

last song syndrome 🎶

I can't get this song that I am listened to out of my head grrrr! and when it feels like the lyrics were written just for me. Weww

That what is lost ain't gone

No, you can't just let go

'Cause it's a part of you that will make you strong

Embrace your flaws

I'm not gonna fight back what I've become

Yeah, I've got bruises where I came from

But I wouldn't change if I could restart

I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars

I've been going way too hard on myself

Guess that it's the reason I've been feeling like hell

But I wouldn't change if I could restart

I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars

[herrandomthoughts]

Thank you Christina Perri !!!❤️

I really don't know the exact reason why I'm so emotionally attached to this song. Love it since the first time I heard it back in my college days. It makes me happy and sad at the same time while listening. Anyhow, this song is just simply beautiful. -jedang

[herrandomthoughts]

It’s All about Time ⏳

I adore flowers, to be honest. They are beautiful. And it feels so good to be remembered. I have always wanted a guy to just randomly give me flowers because he wants to, and not for the reason that you asked them to. But gifts for me, it’s no big deal. I don't even need fancy things. But don't ever think if your boyfriend never buys you any gifts because maybe you don't deserve to receive these things or you are not pretty, sexy enough etc. One partner would say, "I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me". Don't get distracted very easily or jealous about your friends receiving flowers and gifts from their guys. Each one of us has different form of expressing love, don't just depend it based on how many gifts you gained. Don't ask too much from them, it could make your partner uncomfortable. It's not a matter of being "spoiled" or "selfish", we express love in different ways. For me the best language ever since is a partner who values in engaging quality time. Simple but overly romantic. Going on a road trips are my favorite, together with good music and food of course. One of the things I experienced before was, he took me to a scenic mountain road trip. He let me drove the car on a curvy road for me to know how to drive with a lot of "turns", for me to familiarize and to know the timing of the steering wheel. He is a guy that knows everything that makes me great and helps me put my best foot forward. That was the most exhilarating road trip I ever had so far hahaha. I even remember the time he fetched me in my workplace and I had my graveyard shift way back then, I ended my shift at 6am in the morning, so it means I've been awake for the whole night working and I haven't got any sleep. We decided to go home to our town together that morning and I assumed that he will be the one to drive but instead he told me to drive for us (for 2hrs). That moment, I just learned driving and by some means, it was a sort of a practice for me also lol. (to think wala pa ko natulog) I can't even imagine how he trusted me that time when he just taught and trained me to drive for a very short time before. And all he did while we were on our way was SLEEPING (oh my God haha i don't even have a license that time, he just trust me that much). Everytime I encounter stoplights, I keep staring at him. I have a lot of road trip memories that I've lost count, and the one I mentioned above is just one of them. Small things like that can have a big and great impact on one’s happiness. People sometimes underestimate the influence of little things. I just value the companionship and the closeness that much, that's why I value having a quality time together. Yes, I am clingy (somtimes haha) and it's a lot better than being a material girl. There are things you cannot buy in stores like love, happiness and time. I am convinced by the saying that explains, we really don't know what the future may hold, life is a point of time so let us enjoy it while it lasts and not spend it to nonsense. It’s all about time, and people come and go.😊 -jedang