Friends? Just one, thanks!
This is a very random post and I would advise everybody else to not read it (since it will be boring to most).
Hereâs my view (and history) on frendship:Â
I had many people come in and out of my life, but they were all temporary friends. Iâll explain why; most of my life, I always thought I needed to reach out to people that were in my life at a specific moment, because thatâs how I felt like. If I didnât go after them, if I didnt make that extra effort, they wouldnât; and so they would disappear of it, fade into the mist of people IÂ âonce knewâ. I felt like I didnât matter in that friendship and, most often than not, that was the case. Not that I didnât matter, but that I matter so little to those people that they wouldnât make the effort to stay in touch with me.
So at one point, I was fed up. I gave up on people in general. I wouldnât put myself through all that effort anymore, I decided that I MATTERED. To me, I did. If I didnât to everyone else, well...thatâs their loss. I decided to look up to myself, instead of looking up to everyone else.
As a result people did, unfortunally, fade away from my life. I met people here and there and, for a moment, they were truely my friends. But if distance got in our way, for whatever reason (changing school, changing college, etc), and they allowed it to, I did too; and quickly they were out of my life. Not because it was my choice, not because I didnât care, but because Iâve had enough of caring too much, much more than they did. Here and there it it hurted, I lost people I truely believed could make a difference in my life. But most of the time, it didnât. I accepted that people do come and go from our lives, some leave a mark, some donât, and I was ok with it.
All this to get to this point: many people came, many are gone, but one stayed. I met someone 14 (going on 15) years a go. She has been my best friend. Through many times of my life, my only friend. And I admit, for many years of this friendship I felt the exact same way, that I didnât matter that much. Like if I went away, she would move on, like everybody else. But for some reason I was ok with that, because she was, truely, my best friend.
At one point, however, we had a falling out. We had a fight over something really (and I mean REALLY) stupid. But it was my trigger, I guess. All of those feelings came kicking back in and I was fed up, again. We stopped talking, for months. Like, really. Not even âhiâ, not even to know if we were both still alive. And it hurted me, of course, more than all the other friends Iâve lost.Â
But then, something happened. After months of silence, she reached out to me. She apologized. She admitted she was wrong (what I am very aware that is very difficult for her to do). She said she couldnt keep up with that and that she missed me. She did something no one else has ever done for me: she made me feel like I mattered. She showed me that that friendship I felt about her...she did too.Â
My point is, I know Iâm not very social and, because of that, I have very little friends. Friends I am aware that will, too, fade away. But I am ok with that, because I may not be swimming in popularity, I may not have an army of friends; but I have that one Captain. Someone I know will be by my side in the trench hole with me. Thatâs all I need. So thank you! Thank you, sis, for letting me know I am not alone.Â