Hold my hand
Chapter 17 - Halo
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Hold my hand masterlist - Fernando Alonso Masterlist - F1 Masterlist
featuring: Fernando Alonso x ofc! Martina De Marchi
summary: Sometimes, when everything starts to fall apart, the only thing that matters is having someone close enough to stay, close enough to hold your hand.
genre: Romance, Drama, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
warnings: This story contains themes of domestic abuse (both verbal and physical), toxic relationships, and implied sexual violence. It also includes emotionally heavy content and hospital settings that may be distressing to some readers.
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Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they're tumblin' down And they didn't even put up a fight They didn't even make a sound I found a way to let you in But I never really had a doubt Standin' in the light of your halo I got my angel now
Fernando was sitting on the couch, finally relaxing after that first part of the season, he had been eagerly waiting for the summer break, he really needed to recharge, not only was the Championship proving particularly difficult, but the whole situation with Martina had absorbed his energy and his time in a way he was not used to.
He was calm, he was happy to have her by his side, but it was not easy to find the right balance with someone who had suffered so much, with someone who, even now, sometimes feared being nothing more than a burden to others.
He had watched her change, slowly, become more relaxed, more confident.
The report and the beginning of the investigation had been difficult moments, statements, meetings with the lawyer, he had seen her suffer, but at the same time react with strength, with a resilience she was bringing out little by little.
He had returned from his trip the evening before, Martina had been back at work for a while, at that moment she was taking a shower after a shift that had exhausted her.
But she was starting to live again, to be a twenty-eight-year-old woman capable of lightness, laughter, of everything life at that age was supposed to be.
Things between them were moving forward, it was strange, different from any other relationship, sometimes difficult, because he was not entirely sure how to handle it, but he had realized that he had fallen in love with that girl.
With her endless sweetness, with the strength she had in facing everything life had thrown at her, he loved the way she looked at him... As if he were her whole world, the way she curled up against him, the way she spoke to him with kindness, the way she made him feel loved with nothing more than a glance or a caress.
Martina stepped out of the shower and slipped into her underwear and a comfortable white dress, she was calm and happy that Fernando had come back, she had missed him a lot, and the night before, when he had come home, she had lost herself in the embrace he had given her.
They had lain in bed talking and then she had fallen asleep in his arms, stretched out beside him, as had been happening far too often lately.
But that morning, when she had woken up and felt him beside her, Martina had realized that there was nothing strange anymore, nothing that made her uncomfortable about having Fernando so close to her.
Almost two months had passedsince she had closed the most painful chapter of her life, and she had started coming to terms with herself, with her fears, with her body, not alone of course, but with the help of her psychologist who was doing even more for her than she had hoped.
Martina walked out of the room and saw him there on the couch, handsome in a way that sometimes hurt, she stood still for a moment looking at that incredible, patient man... Who never did anything that could hurt her or make her uncomfortable, and she smiled.
She slowly walked over until she was standing in front of him.
"Hello, beautiful..." Fernando smiled when he saw her.
"Hello, champion," Martina smiled, sitting on his lap with a naturalness that surprised him for a moment.
"Feeling better after a shower?" the man asked with a smile and she nodded as she looked at him. "What is it?" he asked, stroking her arm.
"Nothing," Martina replied with a smile. "Just... I'm happy you're back," she continued softly.
"Me too, I missed you, doc..." Fernando replied with a smile.
"I've been thinking a lot lately, you know? About billions of things, about me, about my life before, about the one I have now, about us..." she continued.
"And what do you think about us?" he asked curiously.
"I think you're an incredible man..." she replied, searching every corner of her body for courage. "That you make me happy... That I want to make love with you..." she admitted at last.
Fernando stayed still, his hands on her hips as he looked at her for a moment. "Marty..." he began.
"...I don't feel like I have to do it," she interrupted before he could continue. "I feel like I want to do it every time I'm near you..." she continued. "...and yes, it makes me a little nervous because... because yes... But it doesn't scare me, not anymore..."
He gently stroked her arm, it was a huge decision, an enormous step for her and he could only imagine how much strength it took for her to tell him those things.
"I want you too," he said after a moment. "...you know that, but it's important that you... that you're sure."
"I am," she replied with a smile. "Because I want to forget what his hands felt like on me and remember only yours," she added softly, leaning forward to kiss him, and he immediately responded with something different, with a little of the passion he had perhaps kept inside until that moment.
"We can stop..." Fernando said, pulling back slightly. "...whenever you want, at any moment..." he said, trying to keep control, even though she looked breathtaking sitting on him like that, with one strap of her dress slipping down her shoulder and her lips only inches from his.
"Okay..." Martina replied. "...if it's too much, I'll tell you..." she added before sliding a little closer, pressing herself against him and drawing a very telling sigh from him. "...is it okay with you?" she asked, receiving no answer, only feeling his hands move a little lower than her waist as he pulled her even closer before beginning to kiss her.
"Let me show you how much, doc..." he smiled, barely breaking away from her mouth before standing up from the couch, carrying her with him to the bedroom where he let her fall onto the bed.
He had to take it slow, keep under control the desire he had built up over all those months, it couldn't be rushed, it couldn't be too intense, she had to feel comfortable and Fernando wanted to do everything he could to make that happen.
He started by kissing her neck, then moving lower and lowering her dress, he listened to her, paying attention to every breath, every movement, ready to stop if he sensed anything that made her uncomfortable.
But it never happened.
He heard her moan when he started caressing her, gasp when he moved down to kiss her, stroking her legs while she buried her hands in his hair, whispering his name, and in the end he felt her respond to every movement as they made love, looking at each other the entire time until she finally closed her eyes and threw her head back when, at last, she could no longer hold back.
-
"Everything okay?" Fernando asked, stroking her back. Martina was pressed against him, curled up with her head on his shoulder and her eyes closed.
"I can't feel my legs anymore," she replied quietly, and he laughed.
"And not my arms either... And I think quite a few other parts of my body too," she smiled again, opening her eyes to look at him.
"Then I did my job well," he joked, turning to kiss her until she was lying back down with her back against the mattress.
"Very well, I'd say," Martina smiled, running her fingers through his hair.
Fernando stopped to look at her.
"You know you're beautiful? Are you... happy?" he asked, stealing another kiss.
"Very..." she admitted.
She felt grateful, immensely grateful to be beside him.
She had taken the leap, not without some fear, because she trusted him and wanted to break through that wall of fear she carried with her, and it had been the right decision.
They had made love with passion, with tenderness, and yes, she had truly understood how much he liked her, he had shown her with every word, every caress.
Martina couldn't even remember that it could be like this.
Without having to be careful about how you move, about what you say, simply with the desire for that, the desire to do it with the person you love.
Because that was the truth, by now there was no point hiding it, she loved that man more than anything, and not out of gratitude, but out of love, and nothing else.
"Me too," he admitted, brushing her hair away from her face. "And the more I discover about you, the more I like."
He lay back down again, pulling her against him.
"You know, I was thinking that... maybe we could spend a few days on a boat in the next few days, what do you think? Can you take some time off?" Fernando asked, relaxing as he stroked her back.
"Yeah... Roby pretty much lets me do whatever I want lately," she laughed. "And I'd already booked vacation time in August months ago, so..."
"Good... Then later I'll arrange for them to rent us a boat and we'll disappear out into the middle of the sea, just the two of us..." Fernando commented with a smile, kissing the top of her head.
Martina snuggled closer and kissed his cheek.
"Thank you," she said very quietly, almost to herself.
"There's nothing you need to thank me for, Marty," he replied. " You have no idea how good you are for me…"
Martina smiled.
"You know it's strange hearing you say that to me, right?" she asked, lifting her face to look at him. "Fer, I'm here with you, without... without any fear at all, we made love and God... I loved it so much," she laughed, embarrassed. "And now you want to take me away on a dream vacation on some incredible yacht... This isn't my life..."
"It wasn't, it is now that I've fallen in love with you..." he replied, looking at her. "...and it can only get better, doc... Just think about tomorrow morning when you wake up after making love all night long." he laughed and she burst out laughing too.
"Is that your plan?" she asked, blushing.
"First I was thinking we'd have dinner..., then making love to you in the kitchen..." Fernando said, kissing her neck. "...then maybe on the couch, if you'd like, doc... and ending the evening... well..."
He lowered his voice and whispered in her ear what he had in mind.
"Fer!" she exclaimed, blushing even more.
"You don't agree with my plan?" he asked innocently.
"Maybe I do..." she replied, amused.
"Tell me if I go too far, okay?" he asked, becoming more serious. "Sometimes... I'm an idiot, I know..."
"It's okay... Because everything feels normal with you..." she replied. "...even this, even intimacy, even sex, nothing feels wrong..."
"It never should, okay?" he continued. "Never... If anything ever feels... if it isn't exactly how you want it to be... you have to tell me, okay?"
"Okay..." she agreed, letting him wrap his arms around her again.
-
Martina slowly opened her eyes, remaining still for a few seconds.
The room was still immersed in the dim light of the early morning, the sun was only just beginning to filter through the curtains and Fernando was still asleep beside her, deeply asleep.
She smiled.
For a few moments she simply watched him, feeling deeply immature as she wondered whether she had really just made love with that man, with that incredible body and a face that seemed too handsome even for the cover of a magazine, and she blushed to herself thinking about the night they had just spent together, about what they had done, about the way they had done it.
Fernando looked peaceful, one arm folded beneath the pillow, his hair messy and that incredibly satisfied expression that only a night like that can give you.
Martina moved carefully so she wouldn't wake him and slipped out of bed, pulling on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts, gathering her hair into a ponytail before leaving the bedroom.
The house was quiet, but not with the kind of silence you're afraid to break, because so many times it had been like that, so many times silence had felt both like a friend and an enemy, because the first sound could shatter her peace.
For a moment she stood in the middle of the living room, enjoying that feeling.
Silence.
Peace.
Normality.
She couldn't remember the last time she had felt like that.
She walked over to the stereo and, after spending a few seconds scrolling through Fernando's playlist, started some music at the lowest possible volume.
A gentle melody, something that filled the house without really breaking the silence.
Spritz appeared almost immediately and crossed the hallway with the offended expression of someone who had clearly been abandoned all night.
"Good morning to you too," Martina laughed, bending down to pet him. "I know, I know. You're hungry."
Spritz responded by rubbing himself against her leg.
She poured some kibble into his bowl and stood watching him eat, then she went into the kitchen and put the coffee on, leaning against the counter while she waited for it to be ready.
That was when her gaze fell on the reflection in the window in front of her and she stopped to look at herself.
She wasn't that different, she was still the same Martina, the same eyes, the same hair, the same body.
And yet something had changed, something enormous.
She thought again about the night before, about the laughter, about how naturally she had sat on Fernando's lap and about what she had told him.
About the fear she had felt because she truly didn't know what it would be like, after spending so long thinking of sex as something she gave to someone else without perhaps ever really wanting it herself.
With Fernando it hadn't been a scene from a movie, it hadn't been perfect, it hadn't been magical.
But it had been wonderful because it had been normal, natural and right.
She closed her eyes for a moment, for years she had thought there was something wrong with her, that she was always the problem, that she should learn to pretend better, to push her fears down and keep going.
And yet that morning she was there, standing in Fernando Alonso's kitchen, with coffee bubbling on the stove, a cat eating in the living room and a song playing softly in the background, and she felt good.
Simply good.
The coffee finished brewing and she smiled, wondering whether maybe that was happiness, something simple, waking up next to the man you love and making coffee, without grand moments or extraordinary gestures.
Maybe that was exactly what it was, and happiness was an ordinary morning, one of those mornings when you're not afraid of anything and you can simply breathe, while the cat eats and the music plays softly in the living room.
She heard footsteps behind her and didn't even need to turn around.
She simply smiled.
"Good morning, champion," she said softly.
"Good morning, doc," came the sleepy, warm reply as Fernando's arms wrapped around her waist and he rested his chin on her shoulder.
"How long have you been awake?" he asked after a yawn.
"A little while," she replied with a smile, turning her face toward him.
"I was exhausted, you know? You completely wore me out last night, doc..." he said quietly, in a tone Martina had never heard from him before, one that sent tingles all over her skin.
"I hope in a good way..." she commented.
"The best way, mi amor..." he smiled, kissing her shoulder, "...but I need coffee," he added jokingly as he pulled away to grab the mugs.
And Martina watched him for another moment, thinking that, maybe, happiness was just him.
It's like I've been awakened Every rule, I had you breakin' The risk that I'm takin' I'm never gonna shut you out Everywhere I'm lookin' now I'm surrounded by your embrace Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my savin' grace You're everything I need and more It's written all over your face Baby, I can feel your halo Pray it won't fade away Halo - Beyoncè
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