#holllistrrant

[holllistr-blog]

it's killing me seeing you pine after her so infatuated while she barely glances your way. why can't you realise i'm right here waiting, wanting you.

[holllistr-blog]

“I fell in love with you because I accepted all of your flaws. 

You fell in love with me because you saw past all of my mine.”

And I think that’s where we went wrong || The sad ways we parted  #15

-- @holllistr #15

[holllistr-blog]

don’t call me

“if you meet another girl with gold in her eyes, but they just don’t compare don’t call me.

next time she leaves you and you need my shoulder to cry on, don’t call me.

when your drunk and you think to dial my number because I was the only person who could ever sober you up, don’t you dare call me.

if you stay up all night until the sun rises and remember we had planned to watch it together, don’t call me.

when you roll over sleepily and mistake her messy brown locks for mine, please don’t call me.

when you get an invitation to my wedding someday, don’t call me, it was only to spite you.

and when she asks why your losing your mind I hope you have to tell her every detail of us and I hope it tears you apart inside to admit you lost the only person who ever gave a damn… and then when it does don’t fucking call me.”

I’m better off without you anyways.

-- @holllistr ‘s casual writings #13

[holllistr-blog]

hellos and goodbyes

1) a goodbye: 2 years, damn I was dumb, I stayed with you and was shattered repeatedly, I never told people what you said and how we acted alone, people said we’d be married, I laughed and said you wouldn’t put up with me for that long, you denied and said you’d love to, later that night you told me how little you cared. I deserved to be treated well, so fuck you. goodbye.

2) see you nevers: leave. I am over you and I sure have been for a while, stop hanging on its almost been a year since you told me how much you loved me but still dumped me unable to stop laughing. stop texting, stop trying, just stop. you said I made you this way but you honestly just dropped yourself into shit. you treated me better but you still fucked me over in the end. I am done with you. goodbye.

3) saddening losses: you were supposed to care. best friends do that right? but you left when I needed you, when I was struggling and all I was doing was trying to help everyone else, then I saw how far I’d dropped and I went to you, you didn’t give a shit and now it’s been a year and you’ve brushed me off like none of our friendship mattered. I honestly don’t want to say this but we’re done. goodbye.

4) hoping for a fresh hello: you made me that happiest I had been in a while. things were in the ‘honeymoon’ faze and I liked that. things crashed down and you couldn’t handle it, we split and I was crushed, we talked still and you kinda played around but I let you in hope we’d be back. we weren’t. you’ve become an amazing friend to me now and although I care so much still it’s time to say good bye to the love we had and hello to a new start. goodbye (and hello).

5: I think you leaving hurt the most. 7 years and somehow you find it easy to leave without looking back, I tried to change what I did and looked like for you cause you always disliked that but no. you left and found new people, better people. people you’d want to spend more than 7 years as a best friend to them. I don’t want to be done with you but I am. goodbye.

6) an actual happy ending: well damn here’s a hello. we met and went through a lot and I like to think we got real close, but changing schools after 2 years of constant sameness we didn’t do so well, we stopped talking as rumours were told and we didn’t try to fix things, going separate ways I missed you, whenever I was told good news you would still be the first I wanted to tell but I didn’t. a new year came and we were in classes together I wanted to make things right, or at least know where o stood with you. I was the happiest when we made up and started talking again and now I’m proud as ever to call you my best friend. hello.

— a random collection of hellos and goodbyes to loved ones #12 (via @holllistr)

[holllistr-blog]

"Day 1 I cried so hard my mother was scared to leave me alone. She called me from work every hour to hear me breathing. Day 2 I only left my bed to go to class. Your best friend said you love me more than I’ll ever know. Day 3 I was finally able to eat a meal without heaving it (and thoughts of us) up ten minutes later. Day 4 Another girl said you asked her to hang out. I lost it right there in the middle of class. Day 5 I laughed without you today. Day 6 I cuddled with another boy but I couldn’t fall asleep in his arms. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes dry at 5 am. I miss your arms. Day 7 I posted a picture with the boy. You liked it and it made my stomach feel like knives. Day 8 I typed a text to send you saying we’re not pregnant but I deleted it. It’s stupid but I wish I still had you to celebrate with. Day 9 I didn’t think about you today and I swore I was cured. I think my mind was just playing a cruel trick on me. Day 10 I wore a dress to school and you paused in the hallway to turn and look at me. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Day 11 My brother asked me how many times I’m going to listen to the same song. He doesn’t know it’s your favorite. Day 12 I wore your t-shirt to bed. It still smells like you. God I would bathe in that smell if I could. Day 13 I opened up to my friends finally. No one can make sense of it. No one saw it coming. I wish I saw it coming. Day 14 I went out of my way to drive past your house tonight. It gave me a feeling of safety, like the way I used to feel with my head on your chest. Day 15 What shade of green are your eyes? I promised myself I would never forget them and god here I am. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Day 16 Picked up the phone to call you before class. I forgot I couldn’t do that anymore. Who’s supposed to calm me down in the mornings? Day 17 I wonder who you call now to calm you down on nights when you can’t sleep. Day 18 Somedays the doubt overcomes me and hangs in the air like a dark cloud. I think maybe you never really loved me, but then that makes the least sense of all. Day 19 I brought your things back. You told me I looked like I was doing well and I know it upset you I didn’t turn to look back. Little did you know I left and went to our spot where I cried until there wasn’t a dry spot on the front of my shirt. Day 20 I heard you replaced me and it scratched at my scars but I didn’t bleed. Day 21 This was a stupid poem about a troublesome boy who held my heart in his palm and who loved me and who destroyed me. But I don’t need you to be happy anymore.” (they say it takes 21 days to break a bad habit)

@needumost

[holllistr-blog]

a small reason why people suck

It’s an endless cycle. I put myself up, I feel good about myself, I hate myself a little less, I begin to think I’m not that ugly I’m not that fat I’m okay and I begin to develop confidence but then one fucking comment or remark just brings it all down. Like, I didn’t feel like utter shit about myself today after weeks of hating myself and I was walking home and some car drives past slowly, honks the fucking horn and calls me ugly. I know I shouldn’t listen to them, blah blah blah, that’s not true, but I guess if somebody has to fucking drive up next to me and let me know I’m ugly, I really am? Like my whole mood crashed and when I got home I cried and I hated myself even more and all the confidence I had shattered and I feel like a burden to look at wherever I go and I’m with people. Like I’m so fucking sorry you have to look at my face. I don’t get why people do that. Who the fuck goes out of their way to insult someone. What the fuck. But yeah. Confidence and self-love never lasts for me. — @holllistr 's ramblings #8