#home.exe

[grayscale-kaleidoscope]

tonight we are making peanut butter blossom cookies :3

it's the first time we're trying to make them on our own (only made them with B before) so I hope they come out okayyy

[galaxleigh]

I know it hurts to look up at the night sky, knowing you belong there. You're not alone.

"So close," you tell yourself. Your arms extend upward, trying to grasp onto the last memory you had from your true home.

You'll return one day. I promise.

[grayscale-kaleidoscope]

new rings new rings new rings new ringsssss

[grayscale-kaleidoscope]

I can be socially awkward, no one is going to send me to the firing squad over some fumbled social cues.

[grayscale-kaleidoscope]

This week my supervisor has been pushing me to apply for a promotion to a managerial role that is essentially on her same level. It would be drastically changing my role in the company, and I've never been any type of manager before.

But she's insistent that I can do it, and that my lack of managerial experience is fine. I know part of her enthusiasm comes from the fact that she needs someone to share the responsibilities with, and I'm flattered that she has such faith in me, but I'm also horrified by the prospect of failing at all the New things this would bring.

My inferiority complex does not play nice with things like this. I'm a nobody, a nothing...how am I supposed to lead a team of techs, most of whom have more experience than me? I'm conflict avoidant on a good day, how could I ever handle disciplining and corrections?

I do intend to apply for the position, and I managed to get my resume updated and sorted out today, but once I got to the cover letter I just froze. Me, write about why I'm a good fit for this role? I barely believe it myself. I only have so much "fake it til you make it" confidence to pull from.

[grayscale-kaleidoscope]

"Just because the wound doesn't hurt doesn't mean it's healed."

(from "What My Bones Know" by Stephanie Foo)

[grayscale-kaleidoscope]

(medical fatphobia cw)

Husband and I had to go get physicals done so our health insurance didn't charge us a fee for not having an annual physical. We got them done at a CVS clinic, which went exactly as I expected: super basic health screening. Checked blood sugar & cholesterol, blood pressure, height & weight...and measured my waist size? Alright. Sure.

All my metrics came back extremely normal, except I'm high BMI. Which, BMI is literally a useless metric, so I do not care. But the NP doing my physical was extremely hung up on that one aspect, she kept prodding about exercise and diet (as in "are you on a diet?") and such, all the normal weight loss stuff I've been surrounded by since I was old enough to remember, and at a certain point I stopped politely grey rock answering and just said,

"I used to struggle with disordered eating, as in I heavily restricted my food intake and did not eat anywhere near enough. I was frequently weak and dizzy and had chronic headaches from how little I ate. I'm in a good place with my diet and body now, much better than I used to be, and I want to keep it that way."

Which had her immediately backtracking, and she started talking about "balance" instead, which I nodded along with.

Like, I am easily in the best shape of my adult life. I'm very strong thanks to the very physical nature of my job, I have put on a lot of muscle in the last year. My weight does not concern me. I do not care. I'm not hemming and hawing over every 10 lbs difference anymore. No, I do not subscribe to your "If you just lost 20 more pounds..." bullshit. I'm content living in this body I have now, and if the numbers that can actually hurt me are in good ranges, politely:

fuck off.

[grayscale-kaleidoscope]

I know grief really messes with my brain a lot. Wires get very crossed. I tend to hide myself away, or fawn very heavily, with very little in-between.

Tonight I am just unbearably sad, though. I'm sitting with my sadness and there's nothing poetic or insightful about it. It just hurts.