re: that manga I've talked w/ other ppl about how I was forced into a het date and hated it when he tried to hold my hand but years later I held a girl's hand and it was wonderful and amazing but it wasn't we were in public and I held her hand and it made my whole body ache, I was so terrified, it felt like I was going to crumble into dust if anyone looked at us, I felt like every muscle in my body was tense enough to snap and I only held her hand for a short walk, it wasn't even a big deal and no one said anything but that manga panel of his chest bursting open as he yells for ppl not to look encapsulates so much of my mixed emotions during high school and even now sometimes, the internalized homophobia and the fear of being dirty and wrong and the thought of others seeing the innocent things I do with a partner and making me feel filthy for it I need to finish that manga it just makes me feel so much I can't handle it