The one that got away
Aiki x fem!reader
CW: This is very very sad and angsty. Implied suicide.
AN: If you are struggeling with your mental health, please consider seeking help of a professional. Believe me when I say, it helps. I did it. You can do it too.
Always remember the world is a better place because you are in it.
I love you.
It was new years and Aiki decided it was time to get rid off all the stuff she hadn’t looked at or used in a while. Her husband was working, but Yeonwoo helped her mother eagerly, so together they sorted, what can be kept and what can be thrown away.
“Yeonwoo, in Mama’s closet in the back left corner is a box with my Highschool things. Get it for me? A lot of things can be thrown away from there too.”, Aiki said gently and watched her daughter jump into the walk-in closet.
Yeonwoo quickly found the box and started to look through it, her curiousness unmeasurable. She found a lot of old schoolbooks; some were even drawn on. But there were also a half-inflated basketball and a lot of Polaroid photos with friends. Yeonwoo chuckled at them, her mom looked so different in them, but she could feel the same energy radiating through them. Her mom had not lost that.
Yeonwoo would have almost overlooked it, but she caught a glimpse of what was at the bottom of the box, hidden behind more school stuff. An unopened letter. A letter addressed to “The only one I will ever love”. Yeonwoo’s cheeks almost hurt because of the smile that was planted on her face.
“You were popular with the guys! I thought Papa was your first boyfriend.”, she grinned.
Aiki turned around. “He was, I have never had-…”, she broke herself off, when she saw what was in Yeonwoo’s hand. She would have recognized the envelope in fifty years’ time when she would have even forgotten her own name. Aiki fought the urge to rip it out of her daughter’s hand and scold her for looking through her things. But that would be unfair of Aiki, and she knew it. So, she just gently took it out of her hand and put it aside. Luckily Yeonwoo was easily distracted.
In the night, her husband and daughter deep asleep, Aiki laid awake, not being able to sleep. Sighing she got up and walked into the living room to watch some TV quietly, to soothe her mind. But there she saw the envelope that she had put on the cupboard earlier.
Her fingers feathered over the writing. “The only one I will ever love”. In her mind you were “the one that got away”. She had never opened the letter. First out of anger, to punish you. Then out of guilt.
Was today the day?
Aiki took a deep breath and sat down on the couch. Her hand trembled, but she could watch herself opening the envelope, it was an almost out-of-body experience. Slowly she took the neatly folded letter out.
Hello Hyein,
How are you? I wonder how your life is now. Do you think I can guess how many years have passed since my death? Ten? More? Less? I know you won’t open this letter when you get it. You’ll be angry at me; I know you too well.
The first tear rolled down Aiki’s cheek. It was almost like she could hear your voice. How soft and gentle it was, you had always been the polar opposite of her. If Aiki was a hurricane, you were her center, where the sea was calm, and no wind was blowing. That is the kind of person that you were.
I hope you can forgive me some day.
Because I am sorry. So very sorry. I know my words can’t fix what I have done, they won’t bring me back. But my decision is final. But if I could protect one person from the aftermath it would be you. I wish I could erase your memory of me, so that you could live your life in peace, not remembering us, not remembering me.
“But I want to remember you…”, Aiki whispered, her throat feeling tight.
You’ll say that you want to remember me. Why are you crying then? I know you are. You can’t hide anything from me, Kang Hyein…
Kang Hyein. Kang Hyein… I love your name. But maybe that is because I love you. In this world that only taught me to hate everyone, including myself, I only truly loved you. You were the sun that illuminated my moon in this dark world. I hope you never lost your sunshine.
The world is cruel to people with a fire like yours. The think you will burn them. But in reality, they burn everything they fear.
They feared us and our love. I am sorry that I was not strong enough to endure, I know you are. I hope you are. The world is better with you in it. You will survive their cruelties. I didn’t. Not when everyone, but you, hates me. The teachers, our classmates, even my own family. I don’t know what hurt me more… their words or their fists?
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. They won. They wished death upon me, and they got what they wanted. I hope they are happy now… that this was worth it. But they don’t dare to cry on my funeral if I am even getting that. Only you are allowed to cry.
Aiki remembered your funeral very clearly. Only your parents and she were there. Your parents stood there; stone faced. They occasionally glared at Aiki, especially when she laid down flowers, sobbing. They even left early, while Aiki had spent the entire night in front of your tomb.
Maybe you visit me some day? My grave, I mean. I would love to hear your voice again. Tell me what you have been doing. Do you have a new girlfriend? A boyfriend? Are you married? Do you have a child? What are you doing now? Are you still dancing? Gosh, I hope you are. All you ever wanted was dance. I hope you are so very successful doing what you love.
I’ll be up here in the sky, watching over you. I will always protect you. When in doubt, just look at the moon. I will shine only for you.
I will wait patiently until my sun joins me in the sky. You better not come here too soon. Take your time and enjoy your life. Until we can be reunited in eternity. No one will judge us here.
I miss you. I love you. Always.
Aiki stared at the letter. Hot tears were running down her face. Your voice still lingered, and it made her heart ache for you. She had almost forgotten how much she loved you, too caught up in life, to remember her past.
Almost in a trance she followed where your voice was coming from. And before she knew it, she was standing on her balcony, staring up into the night sky. White clouds left her mouth with every breath, but somehow, she felt warm. The sky was clear, and the moon seemed bigger than usual. Its light was pulsating slowly, synchronized with her own heartbeat.
Almost like on autopilot, her hand reached up as though she could catch the moonlight. Aiki gave the moon a sad smile.
“I love you. Forever.”