I'm Back - And I'm Going To Be Honest
This is the post I considered making about 6 months ago, and I'm finally in the right place to make it. I'm here, and I'm ready to talk more - and in more detail - about what Tumblr did to me, mentally and physically, and why I'm here in this community now regardless of all of that.
I've been in this space for a long time. Since, what, 2016? Holy shit, was it really 2016? I don't know how long I've actually, genuinely been here for. A long time. A fucking long time, and it feels it, too.
Really, when I came here: all I wanted was to make content people loved. I really, genuinely, properly did. I've always wanted that: I've always wanted to make content people enjoyed, and to actually be a real person people can visibly see, and to be honest and as visible as I can be. I started out with no followers, and it all happened quite quickly for me - being real brought success, but the more success I got...the less people related to me.
I remember reaching a point where my advice to burgeoning writers was "success is work, and people will treat you like you're here to do a job". For 99% of you, that wasn't the case. But I want you to know the secret: I read every comment anyone has ever made. I read the good comments, I read the bad comments.
At night, when I go to bed: the bad comments are the ones I saw, and I see, and I'll always see. And there's a reason for that: it's because those comments tap into the fact I'm here to do something I love, to share it with people I love; and even when I do that, I get sucked into this...wormhole. I don't know how to describe it, but I know you're all familiar with it. Drama, when you get to a certain level of following, becomes an inevitability. Accusations, bullying, people treating you sort of like you're an untouchable being that doesn't really feel stuff - that happens. You reach a point, and you become less of a person, and more of an irrevocable constant.
So I got death threats, and I got personal threats, and I got doxxed. And I got such an overwhelming sense that my desire to create was just...it was almost all good, and the bad was horrifying. The bad was threatening. The bad was the worst thing I've ever experienced. The bad made me want to crawl into bed and never come out.
I'm still working through that. I'm still not sure I'll ever work through that.
All I want to do is create. To create what I love, and to be someone kind, and genuine, and believable. And I think so many fucking people on this fucking site wanted that too, and I think there are people here I was also part of tearing down, too, because you've all seen me grow up from being 18 to 25, and that's been a long period for me. We are all part of this problem. This community feels like a shithole, and there's a reason - it's because the good and kind people were so ousted by the 1% that they'll never have the time to donate to it again.
I hope you all come back. I hope you know I see you for what you are, and were, and will be - people who just wanted to do something you loved, and didn't quite know how yet.
We are human. We don't reach a follower count and become Gods - we don't become acceptable fodder for your dissection. I read every comment that has ever been written on my work. I see every message, and every note, and every painstaking way people try to break down my character.
I only ever wanted to create something you'd love.
I will continue to do that, and I'll love what I do - with or without the support of the 1%. And you will knock me, and your opinions will hurt me: but I'll keep growing that 99%. I'll keep moving, and meet people you can't imagine meeting. And I'll ache and hurt - and keep creating, because I love what I do.
I love you all so much, as I always have. I will always, always, be here to create for you.
But I am human, and that will never change.
