#howdoiboy

[howdoiboy-blog]

Some moments I feel like a pervert. Then I feel as though this isn’t real. Then I feel like an idiot.

I wish there was a support available in my area. I don’t know and ftm out here, and there are no resources. I feel alone in this.

[howdoiboy-blog]

Bought my oats. Bought some yogurt and strawberries, too.

Living as female, I have never been motivated for long to take care of myself. Little bursts, then depression hits, then off the wagon I fall. The idea of living as male has me motivated to finally care. I may not be at the far, 100% male end of the spectrum, but I’m not comfortable just being a masculine woman. At all.

I want a penis. I want the deep voice. I want (and my sister would probably wonder why) a hairy chest and a beard. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, for once, and be able to enjoy it. Much as I might miss the nipple sensation, I would happily give up my breasts. Hell, I’ve wanted a hysterectomy since I was a teen! My ovaries can just die in a fire, please. Little murderous fuckers....

I feel I might not be “trans enough” though. I don’t have a strong dysphoric feeling, aside from absolutely hating my internal reproductive organs and not wanting anyone to touch my crotch. I guess that is something, since I have been avoiding a gyno visit for 3 years. But I don’t hate my chest- I just feel uncomfortable having it on display. I do (and always have, it seems) hate my body shape. But considering I’ve been obscuring it in fat since childhood, that’s kind of understandable.

Apparently a lot of women have this moment where they just /know/ they’re a woman. Womanhood achievement unlocked, I guess. I never got that achievement.

But Tobe is incubating, so maybe he will hatch, and I can get the Manhood Achievement instead. It might fit better.

[howdoiboy-blog]

Tobe Liame is incubating.

I had a bad dream last night. A male figure was standing over my bed as I slept. He kept touching me, and I couldn’t move to make him stop. It was like he was lording his maleness over my weak femaleness, and I woke up feeling very uncomfortable. It took a while to fall back asleep, and I wound up reading for an hour before I finally dozed off.

I rarely remember dreams, and I imagine this one was brought on by so many days spent thinking on my gender identity.

It’s cold this morning. I think I might run to the store for some oatmeal.

[howdoiboy-blog]

This video describes my thoughts right now SO MUCH!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-hrqOiPJaQ

[howdoiboy-blog]

I survived my therapy session. Now I have to deal with anxiety as I look for a specialist. I’m considering using the UofM’s services.

Also, my boxers I ordered arrived. I ordered a size too big, and I think I would prefer boxer briefs to boxers. But.... SO COMFORTABLE!! Even though they are bunching up a bit in the leg under my pants, and I feel kind of deviant wearing them, I’m glad I bought them. When I go shopping next week, I think I’ll get a proper fitting pair.

[howdoiboy-blog]

Whenever I look in the mirror, the word “woman” has never come to mind. Nothing comes to mind, except a repulsion. I don’t like the face staring back at me, and I don’t recall a time that I ever did. I was always told it’s because I have low self esteem. And yes, I’ve always felt bad for being overweight. But this issue has existed since I was a toddler. That’s not normal, and I don’t know if a three year old is developed enough to have the same sense of self esteem a teen or adult has.

I really hate that I buzzed my hair. Why do I have these self-rebellious compulsions? I’m glad I’m not choosing to OD on my meds, but seeing my mind try drastic means to get a message to me like this... I really miss having hair. Hair was my last bit of femininity, I feel. It’s gone. I’m just left with my face and some longish stubble. Not feminine, but too round to be masculine. Just... depressed and confused.

[howdoiboy-blog]

Why A Tumblr

I need a place to spontaneously write down my thoughts, but not leave a huge paper trail. I’m only out to a couple people as far as my questioning goes. I don’t want to tell anyone, really, until I’ve talked to a therapist who can help me add things up.

I know a couple people in the LGBT+ community, one in person, one online, who I can talk to if I need. And I have a standard psychologist and a psychiatrist to help with my mental issues. I’m going to see about getting a gender therapist to talk with, or at least someone with experience if my therapist is under qualified.

Meanwhile, I’m watching videos and reading what I can. I’m currently enjoying a podcast whose hosts are making me smile and feel safe. I’m kind of tossing the info around in my mind as I process it, but it’s so counter to everything I thought I understood about myself.

I’m leaving out a full bio, but I am in my late 30′s and only just started suspecting something’s not quite right with my gender.

[howdoiboy-blog]

I spent nearly all day knitting away my anxiety, and doing some housecleaning as well. I made the decision to start a workout routine again as well, this morning. I miss lifting weights. I’ve always wanted to get muscles- like, not body builder muscles, but definitely bulk up with muscle instead of fat. I’m even trying to cook real food instead of relying on convenience meals or just skipping meals. 

Whatever happens after today, whatever path I go down, it’s time to take care of myself again. I have never liked looking at myself in the mirror, and I always eat far too much to continue looking undesirable. I was right in thinking I used food to punish myself. I was in denial as to why. Yes, there was emotional eating involved. But I am a very large person, girth wise, and you don’t get this big without a damn good (and messed up) reason. I don’t think I wanted to be seen as pretty. I hated wearing frilly dresses, why did I have to be pretty? Why pink and bows and lace?

I remember in high school, the boys and girls were separated during P.E. I remember wanting to go with the boys. But I just went with the girls to find it was an intro to aerobics. Boring. And the instructor was a pervert. I later found out the boys learned about weight lifting and I felt instant resent and jealousy.

My admitting to liking women sexually was kind of a “duh” moment. I’m wondering if this “new” development will end up being another “duh” moment.

I ordered men’s boxers yesterday. I liked how my men’s swim trunks felt, and I needed underwear. They should arrive tomorrow. I’m actually excited, maybe more than I should be. I’ve always just worn ladies underwear.