How Falls Hurt
Today, I watched a resident fall and hit her head.
Don’t worry, it happens to everybody, Jamell reassured. He had a good way of phrasing everything he said in the most comforting way and I envied his ability to keep calm. There was a meek smile that appeared as I secretly applauded his efforts to make me feel better. As I sat staring in his eyes, my mind wandered back to the incident. It was like how criminals replay the scene of their crime over and over. No matter what justifications my mind tried bringing up, I was the culprit. I’m left sitting here wondering about all the ways it could have been avoided. All the ways it should have been avoided. I could have stood behind her instead of in front. I could have given her slippers. I shouldn’t have let her stand so long to brush her teeth. More should haves and could haves popped up relentlessly, and at the emergence of each one, my confidence shrank down into non-existence. To make matters worse, doubt creeped into its place. I had heard that in med school and residency training, of all the experiences you will encounter, you will always remember the first patient you kill. The memory will bury itself inside your heart and no amount of subsequent successes can wash it away. That’s what I thought about when I looked at her sitting on the ground and I felt uneasy. I didn't say much, but my mind relayed countless apologies.
After making the necessary calls, the tension seemed to dissipate quickly. By then, the resident was resting peacefully and everyone else around me carried on with the rest of the night. It wasn’t really an emergency, but the bells still ringing in my head reminded me of my inexperience. Amidst this sphere of negative consciousness, I found a guilty inkling of gratefulness. Grateful to know that I will improve because of it. That thought is what is getting me through.
Today, I watched a resident fall and hit her head on a corner. Even though she was okay, I realized that it will take a while before I can be. 7/10/15