HowToMakeEggs
Well here you go anyway. This came to me at like 3am.
Warnings: contains vomit, abuse.
It has been a couple of years since I discovered the HowToMakeEggs channel on YouTube. Besides being completely bizarre, the experience I had while watching their video and subsequent events have compelled me to finally reach out to the internet for answers.
If anyone has ever seen a video like the one I’m about to describe or found the HowToMakeEggs channel in the past please let me know. I want to prove to myself it exists.
For context, I had just started a high protein diet after my track and field coach had noticed I was getting a bit sluggish. I’ll spare you the details, just know that I run for a major university and was there on a massive scholarship I had earned working my ass off.
That day I had just come home from Walmart with a bottle of whey, sunflower seeds, milk, a dozen eggs, and some various fruits and veggies. It was about 8am and I was planning to get something in my system before I went out for a run.
I was feeling unusually fancy today so I decided to use some leftover spinach and cheese to make a quiche. Problem was, I had no idea how to go about doing it.
Don’t get me wrong I can cook pretty ok for a college student but this was a little bit above my spaghetti and meatballs ability at the moment.
Luckily I have the internet to help me whenever I get over my head in a cooking experiment.
I hopped onto YouTube and searched “how to make a quiche” and was promptly met with countless videos addressing the topic.
There were thumbnails upon thumbnails of old ladies who looked like they would tell you their life’s story before even getting into the recipe so I scrolled until something caught my attention.
It was a plain thumbnail of a bowl of un-cracked eggs on a counter, the title simply stated “QUICHE EGG RECIPE” in all caps. Everything about it screamed unprofessional, but that meant it was probably some guy filming it on his phone who wouldn’t waste my time with other nonsense.
I clicked it and was met with pretty much what I had expected. There was a balding man in his 40s standing uncomfortably close to the camera as he presumably held it in his hands. The audio was a bit unclear and there was a lot of noise coming from the background as the guy talked. He was breathing heavily and his greasy black hair lay is disarray on his head.
I thought it was pretty funny watching him waddle around in his little chef outfit. The guy switched to the front camera and talked about the ingredients he would be using while wheezing like he had just run a marathon.
There was milk, a mixer, a pie crust, various herbs, the bowl of un-cracked eggs from the thumbnail. I could see his fat fingers begin to crack each egg.
This was where the video went from funny to weird very quickly. He had mixed all the ingredients in the mixing bowl and instead of pouring it in the pie crust he grabbed a glass bottle with a tube sticking out from its lid. He unscrewed it and put the liquid inside quite messily before washing his hands and the outside of the bottle.
The noise from earlier got a bit louder as he made his way out of the kitchen.
I was thoroughly perplexed at this point, the man began talking about the importance of texture in the dish like he hadn’t finished making it yet.
My eyes were suddenly locked on the screen as the man sat his phone down and walked in front of it. I knew now what had been making the noises from earlier.
As nonchalantly as he had mixed the other ingredients he walked up beside a girl who was strapped to a chair.
She was so gaunt you could see the outline of her cheekbones underneath her dark sunken eyes. Her head was shaved completely and she wore a white chefs outfit which had been stained a disgusting shade of yellow down the front.
Whatever this was it was clear that the woman didn’t have the strength to do anything but glare with hatred at the man. I’ve never seen anyone look so angry in my life.
He turned and grabbed the tube and began shoving it down the woman’s throat with his fingers. I could see her bite down hard on the hand in her mouth and wondered why the man wasn’t reacting when I noticed that her teeth were all missing.
He tipped the bottle upside down and I stared in horror as the raw eggs slid down the tube presumably into her stomach. As quickly as he had put it in, he pulled the tube out and after footage of him carrying the equipment to the sink.
Text appeared on the screen stating that two hours had passed before fading back into video of the girl being man handled once again. This time the man was holding the bowl the had housed the eggs in front of her as he savagely punched her stomach over and over. The girl wretched into the bowl and began wailing loudly as tears washed down her face.
I was completely revolted. This poor woman was being held clearly against her will and by the look of it this had not been the first time the man had forced her to throw up partially digested food.
I wanted to throw my phone away and go take a shower, I was so disgusted with myself for continuing to watch and with the video for the man’s actions.
But I didn’t.
I sat there and watched him finish the quiche as if the middle of the video had been some feverish dream of mine. He baked it and even tasted it on camera, remarking that the texture was exceptionally light.
That was the last straw for me. I ran to the bathroom spitting into the toilet as my guts heaved. I’ll spare you all the details but needless to say I didn’t eat anything that day. I went to bed and refused to leave even when coach called me wondering where I was. I shrugged it off saying I had come down with something and couldn’t make it.
When I could muster up the courage I took a look at his YouTube page. There were hundreds of videos, each one having to do with cooking and eggs. I Immediately reported the channel hoping someone could do something to stop this maniac.
A pop up appeared on my screen saying that a channel by the name of HowToMakeEggs could not be found. Confused, I refreshed the page about a hundred times but continued to receive error messages saying that the channel I was looking for did not exist.
I tried using the Wayback machine, creating threads on every forum I could find and even mailing YouTube’s main office. I hadn’t seen or heard anything since about HowToMakeEggs.
Quite frankly I think I locked those memories away somewhere deep in my mind and had forgotten about them until now.
You see, yesterday I got a letter from YouTube confirming the existence of a channel called HowToMakeEggs. It even came with a picture of a very familiar thumbnail.
I must be going crazy. All I want to know is why this channel is being shielded from being banned and doesn’t seem to be accessible to the internet as a whole.
Why are they hiding it? Did I see something that I wasn’t meant to and if so why bother telling me it exists if it doesn’t?