I tell my clients who come to see me when their relationship is in crises, that trauma can help you to deepen your bond as it did for me in my personal life. My husband and I went through a matter of life and death which brought Peter and I closer together. When he was savagely attacked and left for dead, I saved his life but the police treated me as a suspect, which was frightening and devastating. They questioned me about our relationship and my movements in the days preceding the incident, suspecting that I had some connection to the assailants.
This experience affected me emotionally as well as physically and I realized when you marry for better or worse, it doesn’t get much worse than this. But for both of us, it was a situation that allowed our love to blossom into something even more beautiful.
An abandoned rental van eventually led detectives to the man behind the attack, a psychopathic former client of my husbands who he had represented for burglary. He knew that he was capable of violence, but never told me that he had threatened him. I was angry when I found out and didn't want to lash out at my husband who was still recovering in the hospital, so I wrote him a letter describing my resentments in detail and ended the letter with my unconditional love and forgiveness. Then I read it to him and he thanked me.
One of the most important things to do in the process of drawing together is learning to forgive. Visualize your love healing your partner’s wounds and your partner’s love energy healing you. Writing a letter is the process of taking out the emotional trash in our lives and allows us to release pent-up pain and negativism on the way to forgiveness.
Emotionally, I was relieved especially when my husband promised to tell me if anyone ever threatened him again and he increased the security around our home. However, my body started to have a physical reaction to the trauma with acute pain in the right side of my face, ear, jaw and teeth. Well, 12 root canals later I still had the pain and it was only becoming more acute. I was next diagnosed with TMJ (Tempro Mandibular Joint Syndrome), a misalignment of the teeth and/or jaw, which can cause excruciating pain and migraine headaches. The pain had become piercing; almost constant and felt as if an ice pick was being jammed into my jaw. Often the condition was so debilitating, it was impossible for me to sleep. After trying many different therapies from mouth guards, acupuncture, to massage work, I was still no better. As a last resort, I had MRI and Cat-scan tests to see if I had any neurological problems.
I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia (TGN), a condition involving a blood vessel pressing against a nerve in my brain. My physicians recommended brain surgery and convinced me that my condition was not going to go into remission, so, when my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I didn’t hesitate to answer, “Brain surgery!” I could think of no greater present than to be rid of the maddening pain I was in. Peter agreed that I should have the endoscopic micro neuro-decompression surgery. Well, that was in January, 2000 and even though the surgery was not a success, I had another surgery a few months later called The Gama Knife surgery that didn't help either, I was prescribed myriad of medications that had no effect and have finally learned to live with the pain in the hopes that one day it will disappear as fast as it appeared. I believe that it was triggered by the shock of seeing my husband bleeding to death with his neck cut from ear to ear. It was a nightmare, but I couldn't scream. Instead I did everything I could to save his life, and it worked.
We all have the option of feeling sorry for ourselves when faced with a crisis such as this one is for me. But I am choosing to view it as only another of life’s dares, to be met and faced. I could give in and become another medical victim, but I prefer to give myself a big hug and say, “I will not let this condition hold me back.” This misfortune has opened my eyes even wider about human vulnerability. I realize how minor my problem is in relation to how other people are suffering and it makes me want to help people even more.
I’ve come to view challenges from yet another perspective. Problems often come with their own inherent solutions, believe it or not every situation that crosses our path is a gift, but not every gift comes with a cheerful packaging. It is how we perceive the gift, and what we do with it, that counts.
