#humanity hotline

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 7

As I finished this, I discovered it's been exactly one year since I posted the last Transcript. A lot has happened in that year; I've graduated college :) . I want to thank everyone for the support I've received, and I hope to get back into some of my creative projects and give you guys an opportunity to laugh, and maybe learn something. This one is inspired by a request from @a-romantic-twst from forever ago; I hope it was worth the wait (sorry about that). (It's about periods if anyone's uncomfortable with that and wants to skip this one.)

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Operator: "Hi, my name is Mindy. How may I help you today?"

Caller: "Hello, Mindy, I am very concerned about one of the humans on my ship."

O: "What seems to be the problem?"

C: "Well, I'm the chief medical officer and this particular human has been on the ship for just over two Earth months now. On two separate occasions during that time, she has requested strong painkillers citing 'Shark Week' as the reason. I looked into what 'Shark Week' is, and found an Earth television special about certain aquatic predators, and I'm unsure how that could cause a human physical pain lightyears from Earth?"

O: "Interesting, is there anything else you can tell me about this human during these events?"

C: "Yes, I've also received reports from other crewmembers around these events that this human is not as outgoing as usual, and shows signs of discomfort with facial expressions and changes in appetite, but does not respond well to the standard psychological protocols for team building and social connection."

O: "What about the timing? You said this has happened twice, correct? How much time was between them?"

C: "Yes, I've documented both with dates. The human requested the painkillers twice, 28 days apart. The crew reported signs of distress for a few days following each request, and two times in the day before the first request."

O: "Alright, I believe your human is using the phrase, "Shark Week" as a euphemism for the start of the menstrual cycle, which is often referred to as a 'period'. To put it simply, one of the female reproductive organs sheds its inner lining roughly once an Earth month, lasting anywhere from a few days to a full week."

C: "Similar to how the Rythyani shed and replace their stomach linings?"

O: "Yes, though the uterus has blood vessels that extend into that lining, so shedding also causes bleeding."

C: "Bleeding? How much blood is lost? Why has she not requested bandages or a transfusion?"

O: "For most, a period is not life-threatening. The amount of blood loss does not require a transfusion to replace, or bandages to stop, though iron deficiency may be a concern for some that can be easily remedied through their diet. Ultimately, your human will know her body and how to handle her cycle best. We learn to deal with periods from a relatively young age. You should have received a human anatomy and physiology textbook when the first human joined your crew. Do you have it?"

C: "Yes, though I do admit I have not yet had the time to read it."

O: "That's alright. The chapter on human reproductive systems goes into more detail about the biology of the menstrual cycle than I can tell you. For the time being, make sure your human knows that she can ask for support if needed, and inform your crew that not all humans will be happy all the time, and they don't need to be. Over time, you will gain a better understanding your humans' patterns. Until then, trust them to express their needs, and talk to them if you have specific concerns. I can give general advice, but they will know themselves best."

C: "Thank you for clearing up the confusion, Mindy, I will look into this and update the protocols as necessary. I have no more questions for you at this time."

O: "You are very welcome, please don't hesitate to call again if something else comes up."

End Transmission

[stormy-river]

I love the humanity hotline stuff! It similar to a tiktok series called Orion's belt insurance which is about the insurance claims that come from humans actions. You may find some inspiration there. Also an idea for one:

I have a Human with a broken forelimb and while I was surprised to learn that they can in fact repair bones, and that this is not a permanent debilitation but the fact remains they insist on working normally... they refuse to remain in the medbay. Don't they need to use healing comas and be protected? Will my human remain broken?

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 8

A couple people have mentioned Orion’s Belt Insurance, and they’ve recently been cross-posted to YouTube, so I’ve finally been able to watch them (I refuse to get TikTok on principle). They are fantastic!

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Operator: “Hi, my name is Mindy. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “I have a Human with a broken forelimb, and while I was surprised to learn that they can, in fact, repair bones, and that this is not a permanent debilitation, the fact remains they insist on working normally... they refuse to remain in the medbay. Don't they need to use healing comas and be protected? Will my human remain broken?”

O: “Alright, this is not unusual for humans. To clarify, you mentioned a broken forelimb. Has the injured limb been set and immobilized?”

C: “According to the report I received, our medical staff performed a ‘closed fracture reduction’ and immobilized the limb with a ‘plaster cast’. Following the procedure, the human disappeared from medbay when, quote, ‘I turned away for two seconds,’ end quote, and was later found at their usual workspace.”

O: “Okay, if only one limb was affected and has been properly set and immobilized, it sounds like their injury is not serious enough to warrant bedrest or stasis-related healing procedures.”

C: “So they will still heal? But wouldn’t they heal faster in a coma?”

O: “Actually, moderate exercise can help speed up the healing process by maintaining better blood circulation and nutrient flow throughout the body. Too little physical activity can cause muscles to atrophy, resulting in loss of strength and/or movement.”

C: “Humans need to exercise to heal? Then, should they stay in the gym for the duration of their recovery?”

O: “No, while some exercise is good, humans need to balance it with rest. Additionally, since exercising produces sweat, working out too hard too quickly can negatively impact the cast. Their usual gym routines will also need to be adjusted to focus on exercises that won’t use or risk their broken limb before it’s healed enough.”

C: “So they shouldn’t move too much, but also shouldn’t rest too much. But how much, exactly, should they be doing?”

O: “There isn’t one correct answer to that, as it depends on many factors. I can put you in contact with a specialist to help determine your human’s ideal diet, workload, and exercise routines during their recovery.”

C: “Why must humans be so complicated? Thank you for your help, Mindy. I’ll send this information to the medical staff.”

O: “You are very welcome. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

C: “Not at the moment, but I’m sure there will be as soon as I end the transmission.”

O: “Alright, best of luck, and I’ll be happy to help again in the future!”

End Transmission

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 5

This one's been a long time in the making; had to make sure I did it right. Special thanks to @mothepissedoffmidget for the idea, and my roomie, @starryeyedlarkspur for helping with the advice.

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Operator: "Hi, thank you for holding. My name is Mindy. How can I help you today?"

Caller: "Yes, hi! I'm Nishel, the EMO [Entertainment and Morale Officer] on my ship. We hired a human about a month ago, and I'm struggling to keep up. Is it normal for humans to tire of activities so quickly?"

O: "That depends on the human, and the activities. Could you tell me a little more?"

C: "Yes. When we hired the human, she brought books and knitting supplies to entertain herself, which I though was helpful, but after a day or two she requested some puzzles. I was able to approve and acquire some fairly easily, but the human returned only a few days later asking for scrapbooking materials, and, well, the same thing happened. Over the last month, I've acquired puzzles, scrapbooks, a climbing wall for the gym, locks and a lockpicking set -- that one was a hassle to get approved, more knitting supplies, crochet supplies (I don't even know how that's different from knitting?), painting supplies, face painting supplies (again, I don't know how that's different), strange plastic bricks that fit together, and a violin. And that's just what was approved. I've also heard from the crew that she's downloaded more books, started writing stories on her personal computer, and started learning how to write programs, and yet, with all these things, she told me this morning that she has nothing to do and was bored. I don't know what else to do. I've spent 78% of this year's entertainment budget this month!"

O: "That's a lot. Some humans have a few different hobbies at once, but usually not that many. Do you have access to crew psychological evaluations?"

C: "Yes, when necessary for morale concerns."

O: "Is there anything in the human's file?"

C: "It says Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, which is also something she's mentioned a few times, but that's tagged for possibly interfering with work, not morale."

O: "ADHD would explain it. It shouldn't only be tagged as work-related as it can actually affect a human's whole life. This is another human thing that's different for everyone, with some hyper-fixating on one thing for a really long time, or different aspects of a single subject, and others, like your crewmember, gaining and losing interest in many different things very quickly."

C: "So this will keep happening? I can see about increasing the budget for next year, but I don't think this is sustainable long term."

O: "Don't panic, there's actually a cheaper method. Communicate with other ships and supply stations with humans on board to see if they are having a similar problem. If you can find others who get and lose hobbies quickly, you can trade the supplies; give them what your human is done with, and receive their extras for her. This will also have the extra benefit of building social connections as they discuss and trade."

C: "That makes sense. It would take a lot of coordination, but I can start asking the nearby fleet."

O: "Good. I will also send a report to the Alliance to see if something can be officially established. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

C: "No, thank you, Mindy. You've been a great help."

O: "Of course. Don't hesitate to call again if something else comes up."

End Transmission

Transcription Note: Following this call, the Alliance established the Hobby Interfleet Trade Service, now the Interfleet Surplus Exchange (ISE), commissioning a fleet of delivery ships to shuttle supplies.

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 6

I usually put words up here... huh... what to say... (Thanks for all the continued support on this silly little project of mine)

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Operator: "Hi, my name is Mindy. How may I help you today?"

Caller 1: "Greetings, Mindy. We've had a human on board for a while now, and everything has seemed fine so far, but a few minutes ago I passed by his workstation and he was listening to music, and I heard some of the words in the song and now I'm concerned for the safety of my ship and crew. I don't dare repeat what I heard, but it was about a violent mutiny."

O: "Alright, this has happened a few times before. For now, I don't think you have anything to worry about, but I would like to get some more information before ending the call."

C1: "I will provide whatever I can."

O: "Great, I don't think this will take long. Do you know what the name of the song is? Or if not, can you ask the human?"

C1: "I don't know the name, but Phil should be on break, and I can add him to the call if that is alright."

O: "Sounds good."

Caller 2: "Hey, Captain! What's up? Who's on the other line?"

C1: "Greetings, Phil. This is Mindy, and we are discussing a concern I have from earlier."

O: "Hi! It's Phil, right? I'm Mindy from the Humanity Hotline. I have a couple questions for you."

C2: "Oh... what did I do this time?"

O: "Don't worry, I have a feeling it's a misunderstanding. I'm told you were listening to music earlier. Is there a specific song or playlist you were listening to?"

C2: "Um, a pop playlist I made a few weeks back."

O: "Is 'Tricked-Out Ships' on this playlist?"

C2: "Yeah, it's a banger. How'd you know?"

O: "Just a hunch. Have you listened to the lyrics?"

C2: "Eh, not really. They're kinda lost in the music, right? Should I look them up or something?"

O: "Please do."

[Approx. 3 minutes removed for lack of necessity.]

C2: "This.. is awful. The song is ruined."

C1: "You mean to tell me that humans will listen to music without knowing what they are listening to?"

O: "Not every human, and not every song, but it does happen surprisingly often."

C1: "Interesting. Thank you for your help, Mindy."

C2: [rustling and humming sounds]

O: "Happy to help. Is everything alright, Phil? There's some static or something."

C2: "Oh, it's paper. I'm writing new lyrics so I can enjoy the song again."

End Transmission

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 4

This one's a little different from the others. Also unlike the others, I don't have personal experience with the topic, so it took a lot longer to write (and it's just longer).

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Operator: "Hi, thank you for holding. My name is Mindy. How can I help you today?"

Caller: "Hi! I know this isn't for humans, but I'm panicking and I don't know who else to call! This is the only frequency written down!"

O: "Alright, slow down. Can you tell me your name?"

C: "It's Eva. I'm a Galactic Exchange Student interning on a Shophoni ship as a xenobiologist."

O: "Alright, Eva. It's going to be okay. Can you tell me what's going on?"

C: "We were docked at the [redacted] outpost to resupply, and everyone went on shore leave for a day except, like, a couple security officers. I'd forgotten some files I'd needed to work on, so I came back to the ship to get them, and suddenly the alarms started and the ship started moving, and I can't find anybody! Well, I found one of the security, but he got knocked out when the ship lurched, and now we're in space, and I'm not a pilot! I don't know what to do!"

O: "Eva, Eva! It's going to be okay."

C: "Okay."

O: "First, I want you to breathe in slowly. Slowly. Hold it... and breathe out. Slowly. Now again... Okay. Can you get onto the bridge?"

C: "Yes, I think so. The elevators aren't working, but there are ladders."

O: "Okay. I've pulled up a file on Shophoni ships, and they should all have a navigation screen. I want you to try to find that."

C: "Okay... I don't- I don't- what does it look like?"

O: "Have you seen those old movies with submarines and ships and they have SONAR? With the green dots and lines?"

C: "Yeah."

O: "It should look similar, but grayscale. Most Shophoni ships should have one in either the front left corner, or middle left side of the bridge."

C: "Left... okay, I found it!"

O: "Great job, Eva. Bottom middle of the screen, there should be a series of numbers. That's the ship identification. Can you read out the list?"

C: "Yeah, I think it's [redacted]."

O: "Perfect. We're talking to some people from the Alliance and Shophoni government. They're going to send help, but we need your location. There should be two sets of coordinates on the right side of the screen. The top is where you are currently, and the bottom is where the ship is heading. Can you read me those numbers?"

C: "They keep changing!"

O: "That's alright, we just need to get close. They can ping the ship for it's exact location, but only if they already know it's general location."

C: "Okay... um... the top numbers are [redacted], and the bottom is... [redacted]."

O: "Perfect. You're doing great, Eva. There's a ship nearby coming to intercept you."

C: "Okay."

O: "The engineers want you to help slow down the ship. I'm going to walk you through that, okay?"

C: "Okay."

O: "Alright, you're doing great. There should be a panel in the back of the bridge, same side as the navigation, labeled 'Emergency Power.' Do you see it?"

C: "Emergency power... Yes!"

O: "Good, open that panel. There should be a release lever above it."

C: "Got it. It looks like a breaker box inside, with a lot more weird wires."

O: "Yes. We're gonna redirect the power away from the rear engines. You'll need both hands. Find the slider labeled, 'Rear Engines', and the slider labeled, 'Storage'. You'll need to move the engine slider down and the storage slider up at the same time."

C: "This feels complicated for an emergency procedure."

O: "Maybe so, but we can talk about that after getting you safe."

C: "Okay, I did the sliders. What now?"

O: "Great. Next, there should be a switch labeled, 'Engine Stop'. Flip it."

C: "I thought I already stopped the engines?"

O: "You turned off the rear engines, but everything keeps moving in space. This switch will activate emergency systems in the forward and side engines to actually slow you down."

C: "Oh. Okay, I found it. Is that it?"

O: "That's it. The rescue should be there soon. I'll stay on the line until they get there."

C: "Okay, thanks!"

[Remainder cut for irrelevance]

End Transmission

Transcription note: The problem was caused by a system glitch triggering a fault in the engines. The Alliance has since reviewed and changed many ship designs to add redundancies to all safety features. Mindy and Eva received medals for saving the ship and the three unconscious crewmembers onboard.

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline

If someone else has done something similar to this, I haven't seen it and I apologize. Otherwise, this is something I thought would be funny, and writing allows me to procrastinate on other things. Without further ado,

As an effort to foster trust and good will in the wake of the intergalactic treaty convention, many ships from the allied planets began to integrate other species into their crews. The need for experts and mediators to handle interspecies conflicts became quickly apparent. Of all the species, humans were reported to cause the most problems and misunderstandings, leading to the creation of the Humanity Hotline.

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Thank you for calling the humanity hotline. You will be connected with an operator shortly to answer any questions you may have regarding humans. This call may be recorded for training purposes.

Operator: "Hi, thank you for holding. My name is Mindy. What can I call you, and how may I help you today?"

Caller: "Yes, hello. I am Krryssk, the Personnel Officer of my ship. We recently hired a human, and she has been exhibiting strange behaviors. I am unsure how to handle this, or if I should worry for the safety of the crew."

O: "Alright, could you describe the behaviors? When did they start?"

C: "Yes, when we first hired her approximately six days ago, she was very quiet and kept to herself, fitting perfectly with the usual dynamic of the crew. But today, multiple crewmembers have reported that she has been making gestures at them and gave them things she calls, 'crochet', that she claims to have made. The crew is unsure of their purpose, and why she seems to be targeting only some of them with these actions. I searched our archives for this 'crochet', and found that is is made of yarn from an Earth animal's skin? What should I do to stop this? Is it some kind of code or signal of predatory intent?"

O: "Ah, I see. First, the yarn used for knitting and crocheting is not made from skin. Some yarns are made from the wool, or hair, of an animal, but yarn can also be made from sources other than animals. I believe I know why your human is acting this way, but to confirm my theory, are the crewmates she is... 'targeting'... the ones she works with the closest, or interacts with the most? And do the gestures involve moving an open hand back and forth in the air?"

C: "Yes! Yes, how did you know?"

O: "Alright. It is most likely that she is trying to befriend her crewmates. Hand-waving is a non-vocal greeting, acknowledgement, or goodbye, and some humans give gifts, such as handmade crochet, to people they care about or want to get to know better."

C: "So there is no predatory intent? I had heard that humans needed to socialize, but the captain said they hired the least social human they could find."

O: "Yes, many of the asocial or low-social species have done that, only to find that the human wasn't actually asocial, just shy or introverted. If possible, the crew can make their own gestures of acknowledgement in response to a wave, and just say, 'thank you,' for the gifts. That will likely keep her happy. For the long term, if the rest of the crew are asocial and uncomfortable socializing with her, you may want to hire another human or other social species. It's never good to have only one social crewmember."

C: "I will speak to the captain. Thank you."

End Transmission

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Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 3

Third post in three days, I will probably slow down a bit after this. I'm glad people seem to be liking them, thanks everybody!

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Operator: "Hello, thank you for holding. My name is Mindy. What can I help you with today?"

Caller: "Hello, Mindy! I am [unintelligible hissing], but most humans call me Doc Mantis. I am the Chief Medical Officer on the ship, and we've had a few incidents recently regarding one of our newer humans."

O: "Alright. I must preface that I am not a medical professional, so depending on the situation I may be able to answer, or I may need to refer you to additional resources."

C: "Anything you can do will be appreciated. Approximately five days ago, shortly after the midday meal, one of our humans was brought in with a severe injury to one of their limbs caused by, what the others called, a 'dare.' The patient made many short, sharp sounds in response to this injury. Earlier today, all three humans on the ship were making the same sounds while observing something on one of the monitors. Medical staff immediately ordered them to come for check-ups and necessary medication, and I notified the captain to prohibit all media related to what they were watching."

O: "I'm guessing the humans weren't very happy about that?"

C: "That is correct. We followed protocol to protect the health of all crewmembers, yet the humans seemed angry that we removed the source of their pain. Is this common for humans? It seems unlikely that a single ship hired three humans that all have the same rare trait."

O: "That depends on the actual trait. I think I know what is happening, but I'd like to clarify something first. You described the noise as short and sharp, and I'm guessing that they were also repetitive? Do you mind if I try to recreate the noise?"

C: "By all means."

O: "Hahaha!"

C: "Yes! That is it."

O: "And the media they were watching, did it involve domesticated Earth animals?"

C: "Actually, I believe it did. One of the humans mentioned 'cats' after the incident."

O: "Great, I know what this is. The sound is called 'laughter', and is usually a sound of joy. Humans often laugh in response to humor, though occasionally someone will laugh when they are uncomfortable or in pain. It seems that one of your humans has a laugh response to pain, and the second incident with the cat videos was a normal humor response."

C: "So our response was unnecessary, and potentially lowered the humans' morale by prohibiting humorous media."

O: "Yeah, you should probably lift the ban on cat videos."

C: "I will notify the captain immediately. Thank you, Mindy."

O: "Happy to help."

End Transmission

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 2

People seemed to like the first one, so here we go! (Also, a friend suggested incorporating a lamp.)

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Operator: "Hi, thank you for holding. My name is Mindy. How may I help you today?"

Caller: "Hi, Mindy, thank you so much! Um... is it normal for a human to stop talking for extended periods of time?"

O: "Well, that depends. If this is related to a specific human you've recently interacted with, it will help if you describe them more, as well as the nature of your interactions and your concerns. Otherwise we can discuss the various reasons humans may be quiet or reserved."

C: "No, this is, this is a specific human. Karson has worked on our ship for a few weeks now, and he seemed to fit in great, but he hasn't talked to me or responded for the past two days. I asked the others, and they said he seems normal to them, though."

O: "Alright, so Karson has only stopped talking to you, and only for the last couple days, correct? Can you tell me if anything happened two days ago before he stopped talking? What did you do that day, and what was your last interaction?"

C: "Um... Two days ago he brought some samples to my lab in the morning. Everything was normal then. He made some joke I didn't understand, then went back to his work. I finished a report and went to the mess hall for a meal. I noticed a strange, broken device that I think had an electrical component. I was worried someone would get hurt, so I notified the custodial staff and they cleaned everything up. Karson came by later asking if I had seen his lamp. He described it and I realized it was the device I saw earlier. I told him it seemed broken and dangerous and I had it disposed of. He walked away after that and hasn't said anything to me since."

O: "Ah, I see the problem. Karson probably had an emotional attachment to the lamp and was intending to fix it. Throwing it away likely felt to him as if you'd thrown away a friend, and now he's using the silent treatment in an attempt to regulate his feelings and/or punish you."

C: "Oh no! How do I-, what do I do?"

O: "If it's possible to recover the lamp, do that, though he may have already tried. Then, offer a sincere apology. If he refuses to listen to you, send him a message or get your personnel officer or someone to mediate. Make sure to tell him you don't expect forgiveness right away, or at all. You don't want him to feel pressured into anything. After that, leave him be. He may accept your apology and go back to normal, or he may continue to avoid you. This is one of those points where humans differ from each other."

C: "So there's no way to be sure I can fix this?"

O: "The only way to know is to try."

C: "Alright, thank you. I'll call back to let you know how it goes."

End Transmission

Transcription Note: The hotline received a call a day later to thank Mindy for her advice. Karson accepted the apology, and the ship held a funeral service for 'Tiffany' the lamp.