Coming to understand ourselves can be challenging. Recently I’ve come to understand my anger, my frustration, my lack of self control, my lashing out, my deep sadness and confusion. I can see now that God works in the world in spite of broken people and in spite of ugly circumstances. I grew up in a toxic church. I will refer to the pastor as the owner for reason you’ll soon understand. The owner of the church ( let’s call him Bob ) was brash, rude, domineering, controlling, unreasonable, and immature. He spoke about money half time, handed out credit card swipes for us to give on credit, and claimed he spoke “as God” not “for God”. From the age of 6 to 21 I was mistreated and made to feel ashamed, small, dirty, fearful, and weak. During some Sunday services Bob would ask the annual salary of congregation members, told some who they could and couldn’t marry, ridicule those who quit jobs, or made career decisions he didn’t like, tell some from other countries to go back to where they came from, say “towel heads” should be shot at the airport, and would often physically assault people during altar calls. I have literally seen Bob jump over rows of chairs to “lay hands” on people, tear the neck brace off of a visitor, call a women ugly during a leadership meeting, throw his microphone across the stage in anger, curse during a sermon with children present, and “prophesy” over people with bizarre fortunes while they stood in shock and embarrassment. Yes, it was bad.
One morning I recall Bob speaking of a man who had recently died of cancer and leaving his wife, two kids, and several grandkids in sorrow. This beautiful couple ran a ministry to those in poverty in Mexico and managed to help coordinate a few missions trips for the church. They left the church the year earlier and sadly Bob’s comment on the death was “this is what happens when you leave my church!” Other people were also shamed publicly after dying of cancer because they didn’t have enough faith. Bob, in his narcissism, saw their suffering and death as an inditement of his prosperity filled, overcoming, supernatural doctrine. It is sad to remember all the beautiful people who endured such abuse.
These are just a few examples of the ways that Bob was out of control. I could go on telling you of what I experienced and of the wounds my family and I endured. I’ll spare you. I write this to paint a picture of what those 15 years were like. Most of my formative time as young man was under the influence of this toxic religious environment. Even after leaving the church as an adult I was severely disillusioned, confused, insecure, and afraid. We were taught that to leave Bob’s church was to abandon the “True God”. We were indoctrinated with the belief that all other churches were missing it, they were ”less than” they were not the “true remnant” of believers. This is the nature of a cult. But God is still God.
Even in the midst of such chaos and pain I remember standing in worship crying my eyes out in love and longing for God. I remember the ways I came to know God as very real, and the times the palpable, tangible, and mystical touch of Christ would overwhelm me. Even at Bob’s church, God was reaching to bring me closer to Himself. How was this possible? How can God work though such a horrible human? What I have come to understand now is that God can use anyone-we are all broken. While I can see now Bob probably shouldn’t be pastoring at all, somehow ( even in such a mess ) God brought me into his family. One of the greatest lessons I’ve taken away from being raised in such a cult-like and abusive religious environment is that God works in spite of all of us. No one is perfect, no one possesses a perfect understanding of Christ, and we all hurt each other. The church is a messy place, where folks get it wrong all the time. When we worship together we find ourselves in an incredibly vulnerable place. When we pray together it is about as intimate as people can get. When we seek God as a community we are knit together somehow-we become family. Through this vulnerability and awarenesses we can help to heal one another.
Sadly, many of the kids I grew up with at Bob’s church will have nothing to do with God. Some died of drug abuse, some became single moms in their teens, others even now are militant atheists. Can you really blame them? Can we in the church not confess our sins? Those who have abandoned the faith are often hurt so deeply by religious people like Bob that they don’t survive christianity at all. I believe this breaks God’s heart - I know it breaks mine. So the next time those of us on the “inside” feel inclined to judge the “bad people”, maybe we can try to empathize, love, understand and dialogue. Maybe we can be different than Bob. We are not at war with the outsiders. Christ taught us that those who seem to be “the worst” are often deeply hurting and thirsty for a drink from the well. If you have survived Christianity, thank God for that, many have not. Let’s be a church that leads with love. Let’s be a church that listens. Let’s be a church that says, “we own the ways that those in our faith have hurt you, we are truly sorry, and we humbly repent”…