#humphreys head

[huxs-waifu]

[lesbicosmos]

BBC Ghosts as things my friends have said - Part 3

Humphrey's head, tired of being left behind: There's a melon...somewhere in my mind

[huxs-waifu]

BBC Ghosts- Humphrey x OFC  - A Real Stand Up Guy

Plot Summery : 

**** written and posted pre series 3***

The witch with the hammer returns and the ghosts try to recover both halves of Humphreys body. There be some Shakespeare inspired shenanigans going on. library secrets and Julian causes some mischief. Aka Humphrey has a full on  crush.

i had such a great response I started writing a sequel ! all the love for Humphrey,  you can always read read saint-like before this as gives a bit more context!

A03 link - https://archiveofourown.org/works/27400879/chapters/66969139

After she had gone. That was it the teasing began. Was quite fun for a day even for Alison which found it amusing that ahead had a crush on a human. Having to explain to Mike when he came in.

"So you know Andy's daughter came today to fix the sofa."

"I take it there were some ghost goings-on. She doesn't want to come back?"

"Oh no the opposite actually which is strange, they all behaved."Mike takes a taste of his tea." and Humphrey has a crush on her." Alison couldn't contain herself and laughed.

Mike spurted his tea over out over the table. "Isn't he the headless one?" Mopping up the tea with his sleeve.

"Yeah, it was due to chair legs and really bad jokes of all things"

Meanwhile, in another part of the house.

"So when is the wedding then Humphrey." Julian jokingly says.

"Oh, a wedding how wonderful! I'll get to be a bridesmaid." Kitty exciting jumps up pushing Humphreys head to roll off.

"There will be no wedding Kathrine, Julian is joking " the captain cuts in to nip it in the bud. "Humphrey is a ghost."

"And only a head" Robin adds in smirking around the room.

"Yeah, she'd want someone whose head and shoulders above the rest." Julian rubs his hands.

"Thata what I'm saying. Not just a head."

Thomas picks Humphrey up again "At least I have someone else who knows the melancholy of unrequited love for eternity. I've started another poem due to reminder o-"

"Ok going to stop you right there. If it means listening to you prattling on I won't mention her ever again" Humphrey replies looking up to the hands around his head.

"Oh, how his heart aches with the anger" Thomas dropping him in frustration.

"Yeah if I had one. Oh, wait I do it's in my body that's gone missing."

"Then we come always reunite you with it. Next time she comes mate " Pat now strolling in.

"It would be nice to at least stand next to her while she works I guess."

"So operation recover body then to start!" The captain getting up and bustling about. "We shall find out what day and time the lady is returning and locate Humphrey body beforehand. One of us must be carrying him at all times."

"Oh yeah because you've all been so good at doing it so far," Humphrey says from the floor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ok, she gets here at 1300 hours. Which means we have two hours to locate Humphreys body. Pat, I think you should carry Humphreys head as your lest likely to forget him."The captain was strolling around in front of the ghosts.'' If he is not found Pat travels to the library and well get Alison to ferry her into there. There are two 18th century loungers. Should keep her busy.``

"I think Humphrey would prefer to be the one keeping her busy, heh" Julian replies nunghing Robin smirking, Robin giving a smirk back nodding in agreement.

"Animals the lot of you! A gentleman can be in the company of women without drawing attention to himself."Fanny disgustingly replies.

"She may be a witch though not a lady, does the rules still apply?" Mary asks, raising her hand.

"No Mary shes not a witch, she just listens to music like Alison." Pat replies, picking up Humphrey.

"Well if music be the food of love let it play on!" Thomas replies woefully.

" Quite fitting actually Thomas, Act one scene one of 12th night." Humphrey "let's just hope I don't have to do any sword fights."

"So if we can carry on people, time is now of the essence" captain snaps over the top of everyone's off-topic conversation."Robin you look over the garden. Julian, I'll leave you here I think you're not going to be much help."

"But I was going to follow pat and Humphrey! Was hoping to give the old finger a stretch. "

"You can't go messing with her, Julian. She won't come back!"

"He doesn't even know her name let alone if hell see her again."

"You do know her name right, mate?" Pat asks Humphrey off to the side.

"Funny thing is I don't know it, didn't really come up in conversation" Humpfrey rises an eyebrow

"ALISON!!" The captain shouts walking out of the room. "ALISON! This is of upmost importance."

"What's happened now? Alison comes rushing in.

"Humphrey wants to be stood behind watching the witch when she comes."

Alison bursts out in laughter at the double meaning of what Mary explained but brushed it off quick, as not to have to explain to Kitty."Ok, that's the strangest yet somehow sweetest thing I've heard."

"We have an operation to find his body before she comes today. Then they can get married right?" kitty says to stand by Alison swaying her skirts.

"Kitty we just said they can't get married he's a ghost. Plus it would be unlawful if he's still married technically. " Fanny trying to quell kittys excitement

"Off-topic again people! Alison, we realised a key feature in all of -" The captain using his hands and stick to punctuate.

"What's her name?" Humphrey pipes over the captain.

"I suppose no one ever asked. It's Lacey. Her name is Lacey, Humphrey."

Just then they hear some music playing.

“Is that meatloaf ?” pat exclaims.

The ghosts including Alison go to the window its indeed lacey’s car , with the windows down playing meatloaf; Anything For Love doing imaginary drums again. This time in a grey silk jumpsuit and long golden-brown hair tied up in a ponytail.

“Right everyone don't panic . all hands on deck were going to have to split up now to find humphreys body!” the captain frantically states while every one looks out the window still

“Sorry guys but your going to have to do this on your own, i was just on my way out i didn't think she would be here till 1pm like you lot did.” alison adds. “Ill go and let her in.”

“Alison we need her in the library and to stay there for this plan to work.”

Sighing “i can get her into the library but i can stop her from going anywhere else”

“What is she wearing!” fanny exclaims.

“She wears some sorta man's clothes but her face is wearing something like a lady of the night. It's Satan's work.”

“Well I think she looks pretty, it doesn't matter what she looks like to us any way, it's Humphrey that has a crush on her.” kitty smiles down at him, knowing that if he had blood he would blush.

Humphrey who was still being held by pat, is actually hanging below the window frame so just looking at the wall. “ At this rate you lot will have looked at her more than me.Are we doing the plan?”

“Action stations men! And women.” the captain blared walking off into a wall, disappearing. Fanny followed reluctantly.

“This will be a hideous display. I'm going to my room, do not bring her up to look at chair legs!”

“Don't worry Humphrey, I'll go and get her.”

“Ill check the back garden and the ceiler for you Humphrey” kitty saids swaying her skirts, following off after alison.

“Mary, you maybe wanna come into the woods and garden with me?” robin pointing at his chest with a thumb.

“I don't really want to be helping a witch.”

“Ok me look in the garden then.” robin walking out next. Mary despite saying no, seems to still follow him, fiddling with her apron front nervously.

“Ok then boys that leaves us, Thomas, are you going to go to the attic?” Pat questions turning from the window.” we will head to the library.”

“If i must but you must let me recite my poem to you later the one abo-”

“You simping after Alison, yeah we've all hear it mate between you and the headless horseman. I'm fed up with these paranormal romances.” Julian states using his hands to mimic puppets.

“Urm guys we may want to go to the library like now, Alison is coming.” Gulping “I'd forgotten how small she was, I'm going to tower over her.”

“God all you lot keep for getting she can't actually see him.”

Lacey and Alison enter , chatting and approaching them. Alison makes shifting eyes gesturing as if to move along. “So you're not scared of ghosts are you? If I leave you here while i go.”

The small woman chuckles “No its fine i do believe in ghosts, as long as they are friendly. Have I ever told you about the ghost of my rabbit? Quite strange, all the cats react to the same spot!”

“She believes in ghosts you may be in with a chance then if she could see you now shall we move along?”

“Julian there's no rush” alison replays hearing him

“Im sorry?” Lacey turns around looking over one shoulder.

“Oh notting i meant to say there's no rush to get to the library “

“But you said you need to go out ?”

“Yes you're right , just this way” letting her go first waiting for the boys to pass to, Thomas stopping to speak but Alison makes the movement of zipping up your mouth and pointing for him to go through the door frame.

“So here it is the library. I'm sure there's plenty for you to look at.”

“Oh there sure is look at the love seat, im a very happy girl! You dont mind if i look at the books to i see a copy of shakespeare.”

“Sure read as much as you like.”

“Alison, over here.”

“What Humphrey?” she says in a low tone , while Lacey is distracted, kneeling by the seat caressing the chair leg. Julian, having followed them in looks at her.

“Thats a tad weird isn't it, although good stroking technique gave you that!”

“Shh julian”

“Ask which Play is her favourite.” humphrey asks while pat is holding him up to Alison's height.

“Which is your favourite Shakespeare then?”

“Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit” she laughs “Twelfth Night if you must know. Its very underrated!”

“I'll leave you to it then!” Alison turns to go to the door, and whispers in a serious tone to Julian “Behave!”

“I will! “ Lacey says off to the side, as she gets up from her knees on to her hands.

“Uh, she's doing the downward dog. “ Julian says cocking his head to the side “ I remember a time in 1988 when-”

“Yeah stop right there mate.” pat replays, watching her go to the bookshelf. As she had mentioned earlier when straight to the volume of Shakespeare. Pulling out the volume the books next to it tumbled, falling sideways in the empty slot. Propping back up she looks at it taking it as well from the self.

“Pat mate you cant put me on the sofa can you?” Humphrey glances upwards to the scout leader.

“Sure thing.” placing him down just as Lacey sat playing with the smaller book.

“Diary of Miss Featherstone.” thumbing the pages.

“I knew Miss Featherstone, '' Humphrey listens excitedly. “I always wondered if she knew about my beheading she was gone before it happened pretty sad actually that's why I was beheaded they thought it was me that had made her go missing.”

“You've never told us your death story!” Pat exclaims.

“Oh yeah, it was quite a scandal. My wife went missing too. I was innocent but of course, the court blamed me as I was the last person to be seen with her.”

Julian was looking over Lacey's shoulder at the diary “Core what saucy details are we going to find.”

Lacey's fingers traced the paragraph.

“Today is the day. I feel sorry for throwing Sir Humphrey into this but its the only way I and Angelia can be together. He doesn't understand her as I do. We will be in France next month and I can't wait. Once she has got some of his clothing we'll leave.”

“Hang on, I have clothing that went missing when we travelled here.” If Humphrey's face could drain more colour it would. realising what had happened. “Angelia was the one they saw leave dressed as me with Miss Featherstone. So I made it look like they had both disappeared but I'd returned to the house. I could have kept my head!!! 500 years I could have kept my bloody head”

Lacey shut the volume on the back and it had VI in the leather, getting up from the sofa to browse the shelves for similar-looking copies. “There's one up there,” Pat points out. “Julian can knock it down here, even if she sees it she can’t reach it.”

“And what is in it for me hey?”

“You can have my choice slot,” Humphrey mentions off-hand.

“ Two tv slots.”

“What! it's only knocking a book over mate.”

“Ok, then one tv slot over every book I have to knock out.”

“Deal now get to it before she moves section.” Humphrey watching over her movements, quite lovingly. Unknowingly to her she just cracked something that had been on his mind for over 500 years.

Julian moves next to her, holding his wrist in one hand the other with a finger pushing between the books. Then like a domino effect one by one it toppled book after book started to fall onto the girl. Humphrey and pat could only watch as a good five-hit her in the face one after the other pushing her back and hitting the floor, banging her out cold.

“Oh No! what have you done Julian?”

“Well, I make that 20 books so 20 slots?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile in the cellar.

“And then he looked at her with misty eyes; it was all very romantic.” Kitty finishes up her speech. Most of the faces gawking at her.

“That's great, Miss but why are you down here?” One of the plague ghosts piped up.

“Oh, that's right. The other half of his body isn't down here?” Collectively all the ghosts shake their heads, in one movement. “ Oh phooey”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kitty walked through the door of the cellar to see a flash of red waddle pass. “Captain! Captain, I think I've found him, Captain!” Kitty screams as the red disappears through the front door, Chasing after it.

“Don't panic Catherine!” the captain seemed to appear as well.

Mary was out on the gravel looking inside Lacey's car while Robin was attempting to run at it. “She left her witches tools in the back here, she was not prepared like last time. Bad omen for her”

“Mary watch this!” Robin launches himself at the car but runs straight through into Humphreys body knocking back through the door. Fanny watches from her window just rolling her eyes at the scene below before turning to descend down to give them an earful. Kitty yelps as the body crash in between her and The Captain landing on its knees robins head through the door.

“Balley hell robin good show!” The captain regains his stance, as Fanny and mary both arrive. “Quick to the library, everyone.” hooking one of the arms. “Robin you take the other one, ladies you flank behind in case we lose grip!”

And so the party travelled, the boys heaved the body heels dragging on the floor with the women coming up behind the rear to the library door. To find Thomas by the door. “There's been a great tragedy in the house!”

Pat sticks his head out “great you're here just in time! We've got a bit of a situation!” all the ghosts come in through the door to find the scene before them robin still having a grip on the body.

“What the balley hell happened here!”

“I only did what they told me to do! Push a book out.”

“Yeah that's the problem it was only meant to be one book, I'd like my body if you have it “ Humphrey retorts from the sofa. Robin and Thomas taking it over, fitting the headless Tudor back together as the others look over the body. The three of them joined in.

“Well she's still alive mate, we'll have to wait until Alison is back.”

“I'll stay with her like the plan was.” Humphrey kneeling beside her with one hand gripping the back of his neck.

“Well wait outside won't we Julian?” Pat says loudly to gain his attention as the bustle out of the room.

“What if his head falls off on her? Although come to think of it I don't think hed mind falling on her, if you know what i mean” Julian goes to follow, when a sudden sucking in sound fills the room, like someone's taken a sharp breath.

“Holy cow, who are you!” Lacey sits up to find a tall velvet dressed Tudor looking over her.

“Please don't be scared you can see me?” He winches

“Us you mean” Julian stopping just at the door

“Ok, there's a man in his pants in the library too!”

“Shh, shh is ok Alison can see us too your not mad.” Humphrey tries to reassure her “ I'm her friend that came up with the joke.”

“You're the one that came up with that, must be why she warned me about ghosts today, lucky I'm not afraid of ghosts,” She says pleasantly surprised. A beat of silence not knowing what to say next falls across the room. Lacey looked up at Humphrey studying him, grinning. His mouth opens and closes trying to process his crush smiling at him, he could now actually talk to her with nothing witty to say so just said;

"Tell me one thing you don't speak French do you?"

"Whoo, a terrible chat-up line!" Julian says causing Lacey to look around Humphrey.

"Well I haven't had practice in 500 years," Humphrey replies over his shoulder

"Pardon?" She says with an accent, His eyes go wide in horror. "I'm joking I was crap at French in school. The most I can remember is, Tu Mere." Puts two fingers up at Julian “your mum or as they say in Romeo and Juliet I bite they thumb at thy"

"I'd ring your neck for that, women!"Julian shook his wrist in a boxing motion.

"Yeah over my dead body that's happening," Humphrey replies quickly

She laughs loudly like she did with the chair joke "Touchy subject for you I take it you know with the" gesturing to her neck, Laughing again.

"He's just a witty fool." The left side of his lip and moustache quivering slightly.

Julian sighs and leaves behind the door with the others “Terrible jokes, the both of you!”

“Thank you.”

“For what ?”

“For laughing at me. You've put my mind at rest all these years that I'm actually funny, oh and you have a great taste in chair legs”

“Well it is an acquired taste, the splinters are a nightmare to pick out of your teeth though” That makes Humphrey laugh this time, his head sliding a little and his hand pausing it. “If you weren't a Tudor ghost, I'd ask you out for a drink. That would give you even more of a laugh watching me get drunk.”

“Yeah sorry about that,’ look for me tomorrow and you will find me a grave man’.”

“Romeo and Juliet, Mercutio act 3 scene 1.” Rubbing her head again and yawning. All Humphrey can do is smile at her again, not actually knowing what to do next. It was a stranger situation he expected to now be in.

“So apart from your love of chair legs and Shakespeare, anything else of interest I should know about the pretty person in front of me?” Qiuping as best he could. She now smiled back at him, showing a tooth

“Oh god don't start doing sonnets, you've already won me over with the Mercutio quote!” Blushing, looking down dusting herself off

He chokes “what? You liked me just from that!”

“You're clearly a man of great taste. If you can make a girl laugh, there's no need for flattery as well.” she reaches out to pat at his leg and swipes through. “Ah yeah forgot about that part, I can't touch you. Wouldn't be appropriate to touch your hoes the first date anyway” giggling after the quip. Humphrey getting it as well after a minute or to chuckling along.

“Where were you 500 years ago, I would have loved you laughing at my jokes. I love your quick wit to”

“I don't think they would have been ready for me 500 years ago even if I was alive. You are way ahead of your time for liking me” winking, then laughing again, hooting echoing around the library

“I would have courted you in a heartbeat if you laughed with me like that. Even if you do add in the odd head joke!” Sighing, clasping the hobbling head at the neck, putting his hand on her knee if it had not fallen through.” you've taught me today something I never knew, my wife was the reason I'm like this. If I knew she wanted to leave me I would still be a whole man.”

“Look at it this way though, if you hadn't had your head chopped off you wouldn't be talking to me right now would you? not to blow my own trumpet of course.”

“I think life or death in my case has a funny way of working like that.”

“Everything in the universe has a funny way of working.” smiling up at him one last time her eyes crinkling ”you know maybe those books did hit me harder than expected. I'm feeling very sleepy all of a sudden.”

Outside the door, the others are listening in amazed that there's another living human that can now see them. “Maybe they need things like music playing like that film Alison showed us.” Kitty perks up.

“What that fish lady one?” mary said disgruntled

“Oh you mean the Little mermaid,” Pat replies

“I don't know about fish woman but I've definitely seen some lady who was half animal. Hair all over” Robin adds.

“Quieten down you lot I can't hear what being said”

At that moment kitty comes into the room, after being tired of listening through the door with all the other ghosts following. “THIS is so exciting Humphrey, she can see you now like Alison, and likes you, Means you could get married and she can live here and-”

“Kitty, there will not be a wedding!” they all say in unison.

“Oh there's more of you? Well that's something to tell the grandkids. If I had any, I really am starting to feel sleepy now.” yawns, the concussion setting in again, she kinda faints back into the fallen books, her head hitting against hand on a copy of local history and her hand falling on the works of Shakespeare.

“Sleep thou, and I will wind thee in my arms.” Everyone turns to look at Thomas. “Well, I thought it was fitting!”

“Lacey! Lacey?” Alison was patting her face “Are you ok Lacey?”

Lacey stirred looking around the room. To see Alison kneeled beside her, Humphrey was too but unbeknown to her. she couldn't see him now. Clutching at her head a noticeable bump was now showing.

“She is awake again? she could see me earlier she could see all of us.” Humphrey tries to explain to Alison.

“I had the strangest thing happened there were others in the Ghosts if you will.” sitting up. “Alison, when did you get back?”

“You've had some kind of knock, Lacey are you sure your ok?”

“Yeah, apart from the bump. there was another person here with me. I met your friend the one that told the joke ”

Alison gave her a sympathetic smile, whether to tell her the truth or not. “I think I've got a lot to tell you, your phone sent a voicemail I heard you speaking with someone. That's why I came back.”

“I don't know that's happening, that's Alison saying?” Kitty with her ear against the door.

“Nothing of note I guess, it not like that lacey is dobbin me in”

“Yeah but we can “ Pat adds

“Can I listen to the voicemail?” Lacey asks quizzically.

Alison fumbles with her phone, Humphrey still looking on at her “I told you she could actually see us, She cant now. Just my luck, the first person to notice me in 500 years and it had a time limit. That or you've got to slap her with a book every time.” Alison gives him a weak smirk over her shoulder.

“Here this is what it said,” Tapping it to start :

"Tell me one thing you don't speak French do you?" "Well, I haven't had practice in 500 years." "Pardon?"...

“That's it that the conversation I remember having with him the Tudor in red”

Humphrey pushes his head back on from slipping off again and his eyes go wide Alison turning to look at him her eyes also widening.”So you can hear his voice on the phone as well?”

“But she can't see me?” The cogs turning in Humphreys's face.

“Are you sure you can hear him?”

“Yes, I'm certain, I can't hear the other one with no pants though.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hi Mike!” As he entered the kitchen. Lacey had a bandage wrapped around her head after much pleading from Captain and Pat wanting to use their first aid training for the first time in years. She and Alison both stood lent on the counter sipping at tea.

“Lacey you're still here, what happened to your head?” picking up a bourbon from the table

“Funny story, Humphrey is here too by the way.” Mike Freezes, splays his arms out and starts lifting his feet really slowly like he's trying not to step on something or there's a mouse going to jump out at any point.

“Don't panic mike you're not going to hit him.” Humphrey was seated at the table holding on to his head.

“So lacey can see them to now?”

“I can't see them I can hear them though.” Giggling, fluttering her lashes in the direction of the chair. “Here we've got an experiment to do.” Setting down her phone on the table leaning over it. Alison tried not to laugh as Humphrey would clearly be blushing at the girl who was inches from him resting her arms on the table “Hello Humphrey.” pressing play on the recording equipment.

“Hello, Mike!” Humphrey replies out loud.

Stopping the device Lacey, presses playback “Hello Mike!” a male voice coming through the phone. Mike jumping out of his skin in shock.

“Well, that clears that up then! Humphrey here can be heard on recording” Laughing Alison turns from the three of them. Mike still in shock sits across the table from the ghost. “I'll make you a cuppa” Going to the kettle.

lacey whispering something, and pressing her phone again. Humphrey nodding along with her. Alison could hear Lacey laugh again behind her.

“Alison!”

“God kitty don't pop up like that, are you ok?”

“I was just wondering if this means I've got a new friend?”

“Yes I suppose you have Kitty, it's nice isn't it!”

“Even nicer for Humphrey, Do you think they'll fall in love?”

“Uh maybe.”

“So ill get to be a bridesmaid again!”

Alison looks over her shoulder, If Lacey could see Humphrey was holding his head near hers their foreheads would be touching, with both of them laughing. “I think you might be”.