Lost&Unsafe. [Character Development // 1st POV]
I’ve always had a hard time letting go of things, even when I know that I should. I often mourn for too long, cry too often, love too hard. What’s worse is that I come to a point where I’m embarrassed with how my feelings linger when really I should be able to know that things come and pass and feel better. But that’s hardly the case. I bottle things up and hide how I feel as much as possible behind optimism and words of wisdom.
Just because I know better, doesn’t mean I feel better about this. My heart is heavy right now and the last thing I need is for my emotions to be played with and my limits to be tested. I’m too unstable to face how it could potentially devastate me if I let my heart out. My feelings are irrational, out of place, not to be had, and it will only hurt more if they were made known and people only felt sorry. This way, I don’t have to feel unloved because people can’t be expected to adjust to my discomforts that they are unaware of, right? If they knew how I felt, I am almost sure nothing would change and it would wound me even more so.
Lately, being off solo and doing things on my own have been peaceful and I know that it is probably for the best. But I am terribly lonely. That’s also something I feel like I hide with pride, but one of the few things I wish I could turn around. The love I have, the way I mourn, part of me wishes to keep the emotion, but at a moderation. Now, my emotions are just out of proportion. But my loneliness is something I wish to do away with. Only, I have been bad at this being social thing lately. That doesn’t help at all how I feel.
This sad, almost numbing feeling makes me scared. I want to live and thrive, but I’m so scared to be hurt, I anticipate it to cushion my fall almost.
I’ve lost my places where I feel safe, to be me.