There were many reasons why – ranging from the benign to the traumatic – but the biggest issue he had with it was the lack of control. He needed to know he could move, could escape, could fight or defend himself as necessary without having to thrash free from clingy bonds. That extended even to the feeling of being restrained, and before Aymeric he always tended to sit on top of his sexual partners, just so he had that space, that opportunity, to back off and away whenever he wanted.
It was very important he had an escape route in any situation. That was what his instincts and nerves told him. Every single moment, every single conversation or interaction, he always identified his escape route and the ease to access it.
Being tied up greatly hindered that.
“Rations.”
“Aza,” Aymeric sighed fondly somewhere above him, “I haven’t even touched you yet.”
“I know,” Aza mumbled, his heart fluttering uncomfortably in the hollow of his throat. He eased his wrists against the silken bondages, the string to pull them loose gripped tight between his middle and index finger. He could free himself whenever he wanted, and the bonds weren’t tight in the slightest – yet he still jumped whenever Aymeric moved a little too fast. It hadn’t even been five minutes and he already blurted out the safe word about ten times.
“If you don’t want to…” Aymeric began, also for the tenth time.
“No, it’s fine,” Aza said hurriedly, “I wanna try. I’ll be fine.”
“Hm,” Aymeric sounded non-committal, but he didn’t push. Instead he shifted a bit, moving into a more comfortable position where he lay beside Aza, propped up on his elbow so he was leaning over him a little. Aza was privately thankful Aymeric gave him that much space, that he wasn’t on top of him, when his wrists were bound like this.
It was his idea, after all, to try this. After learning that Aym did kind of have a bondage kink, Aza was determined to overcome his own hang ups enough that they could get through a very mild form of it and actually enjoy it. Aymeric had been unsure, he hadn’t been eager to put Aza so far out of his comfort zone, but Aza had insisted and so here they were, helping him ease into it.
They still had underwear on. There was nothing sexy or lustful about the general atmosphere. Aymeric was still almost fully clothed and was on the bed instead of straddling him, giving him much needed space. The bonds as well were flimsy silk, and Aza could get out of them anytime he wanted. They had a safe word that Aza had already abused to death, and the room was brightly lit and his weapon was right there, within line of sight, and Aza was safe and he was fine.
“Are you comfortable?” Aymeric asked, probably for the fifth time since this started, “Not too tight around the wrists?”
“No, pretty loose,” Aza said, his ear flicking when Aymeric very clearly telegraphed his hand moving over his bare stomach. His abdominals tensed, almost quivering, and he held his breath just as the tips of Aymeric’s fingers stroked a very gentle, calming circle above his navel, “Good. Very good. Good.”
“I’ll move my hand a bit higher now,” Aymeric, bless him, told him calmly, doing just that. Soon he was just stroking a line, up and down, from navel to sternum, until Aza found himself slowly relaxing from rigid posture. His breath left him in a wobbly exhale.
“Really? Because your tail is bludgeoning his thigh right now.”
Aza glanced down, past Aymeric’s hand to see that, yes, his tail was anxiously thwacking against Aymeric’s thigh. With some effort he stilled it, shooting a sheepish smile his partner’s way, “Um, oops.”
“It’s fine,” Aymeric smiled back, and something in Aza melted at the sight of it. Everything about him did exude calmness, and it was difficult to get too anxious and worked because of it. He trusted Aymeric with his life, and, yes, he trusted him right now. Even if his bondage was flimsy at best, and Aza had control, kind of, he trusted Aymeric enough to stay still, to hold back the safe word and feel his fingers gently brush a calming line from navel to sternum and think, this isn’t so bad.
“Today, all we have to do is this,” Aymeric said, “If you want.”
“We can do more,” Aza said quietly, his breath hitching when Aymeric’s hand then brushed a bit lower, past his navel, to the hem of his underwear, before retreating back up again. He almost blurted out ‘Rations’ from surprise alone, “Ra- um, y-yes.”
“Yes?”
“Mm…”
Aymeric laughed softly, and his hand dipped lower again, his thumb rubbing over the coarse hair of his happy trail, just before it disappeared behind the waistband of his underwear. Aza shivered all over, the fur on his tail fluffing out as he exhaled shakily, “Do you want me to…?”
“Um,” Aza rasped, his throat dry from a thrilling mix of nerves and trust and want. Oh, he wanted, but lingering under that, like dark, murky silt, was something colder and tenser, “N-Not right now.”
Just like that, Aymeric moved his hand higher, circling his navel with the tips of his fingers and letting Aza catch his shortened breath.
“In your own time,” Aymeric said easily, not sounding disappointed at all. He was still smiling when Aza nervously looked up at him.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, feeling himself flush in embarrassment, “I’m so…”
“You’re fine,” Aymeric said, “Absolutely fine. There’s no rush.”
Aza wanted to rush, though. Gods, he felt like they’d be in their fifties by the time he eased up into this – but still, he was still pitifully thankful for Aymeric’s patience, his willingness to indulge him in these things. That came with the trust, he supposed. He never would’ve let him be in this position, illusion of vulnerability or not, if he didn’t think Aymeric would have respected his choices any.
“At least you’ve stopped flying out of your restraints,” Aymeric said idly, “You kept undoing them every minute before and leaping off the bed.”
“Ah, um, I was… testing them and your, um, reflexes…”
“Mhm.”
“Just making sure.”
“Of course.”
Needless to say, this specific session didn’t go that far either. But… as nerve-wracking as it was… Aza did like it in a weird way. In some way. He could see himself, after a while, eventually finding genuine enjoyment in it, maybe enough to let Aymeric enjoy it without worrying about triggering him or making him upset.
He just had to work at it. He’ll get there… eventually.
Please, please could you tag your posts that have to do with medical stuff? I hate to ask, but it's very triggering.
Oh, sure thing! I’m sorry. Don’t feel bad for asking, I totally get that. I’ll go get the last few of posts I can find. Is there anything in particular you want me to tag the posts as? Thank YOU for letting me know, and take care.
Edit: I've been tagging these posts as 'medical' and trying to pick out tags for the basic subject, too. If my wonderful anon or anyone would like me to add particular tags that they regularly blacklist, please let me know!
