Prompt: Hill Brothers + We don't like our cousins. @missnagatsuki
“That is the last time I sit next to cousin Elba at Thanksgiving.”
“That’s right, brother. You could always sit next to Tim-oh-thy.”
“Not a snowball’s chance.”
“Then that just leaves Shaunty, and you both don’t even like her.”
“We don’t like any of our cousins, Randy.”
“I don’t know, I think Eva’s kinda alright.”
“She bought you snowman slippers. You would.”
“Hey, those are the comfiest, nicest slippers you could ever wear!”
“Real men don’t wear slippers, Randy.”
“You do if you don’t want your feet to get cold.”
“Like Patches’s paw booties?”
“You make fun now, but being able to knit booties is an important life skill. Someday, when the nuclear war happens and you can’t find electricity anywhere, you’ll be glad one of us has some good old-fashioned skills to survive the post-modern world.”
“Okay, only half of that made sense.”
“I still just want to focus on the fact that Randy had Alverta teach him how to knit because cousin Mathias convinced him a cold war or zombie apocalypse or something stupid like that was coming and he could just knit himself out of danger.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Derrick. You can’t knit yourself out of anything - but into it, maybe.”
“He says that because he managed to knit himself into a chinese finger trap.”
“It wasn’t a finger trap, Derrick. It was a mitten.”
“Right, sorry. Finger booties.”
“Not even close.”
“No, I am. But can we get back on topic here? As I said, I’m not sitting next to cousin Aisha next holiday.”
“Next holiday is Christmas.”
“You said Elba.”
“Did I? Well, her too.”
“Which cousin is it? We only have -”
“I am not sitting next to any of them next Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines, or St. Martin King Jr. day!”
“Martin Luther King Jr. wasn’t a saint, and we don’t celebrate that holiday.”
“We don’t? How come I never have schoo- I’m gonna stop talking.”
“I’m gonna let it slide, because it’s Christmas, but-”
“Guys, it’s only Black Friday.”
“Randy, you’ve been blasting Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree and Frosty the Snowman since November 1st.”
“Those are excellent Christmas songs, Derrick.”
“Debateable, but in light of the holiday spirit, I myself will let that one slide.”
“Maybe in light of the holiday spirit, we can just let it all slide. I’ll sit next to Shaunty and Pete can sit next to Alverta and Derrick -”
“Not. Verena!”
“Derrick, I thought it was Elba?”
“None of them! Ever! Never again! All the cousins, all the aunts and uncles and mysteriously related relatives I don’t think are related at all!”
“Don’t talk that way about Albion. You know he’s sensitive about it.”
“And don’t even get me started on the Ever-triplets.”
“Everett, Everah, and Everlina?”
“See! Those aren’t even real names! Why do all of our cousins have weird made-up names!”
“I guess when you have ten kids and those kids have kids and their kids have kids, you run out of names pretty fast.”
“Do not blame this on Granderma and Granderpa!”
“Yeah, blame it on Uncle Aflreda-”
“Aunt Alfreda.”
“Sorry, it’s hard to keep track. Aunt Alfreda. Adopting foreign dignitaries’ offspring.”
“That is not what happened.”
“Close enough.”
“Derrick don’t encourage that stupid story-”
“Wait, it’s a lie? They’re not my cousins?”
“Don’t panic, buddy. Here.”
“Thanks, Pete. But back to what’s important - are Alphonso, Alphonsus, and Alpheus our cousins or not?”
“I don’t think any of them are. I’m not sitting next to any of them. Next holiday, I’m staying home by myself and I’m never attending another ‘family reunion’ ever again! My cheeks are bruised, my dignity is shot, I can’t go to the bathroom by myself, my lungs are broken, and my hair is purple!”
“But it does look good on you, brother.”
“I will murder you!”