#i.regrets

[epxlucas-blog]

❝Regrets❞ — Xander

@epxander

Something had been nagging at Lucas, a sensation that was twisting him from the inside. With every new day he could feel the weight grow heavier and heavier, the pain more unbearable than the previous day. Gray had asked him what was the matter, he was extremely observant to the subtle changes in Lucas’ behavior. There wasn’t much Lucas could say in response. The truth might hurt the one he loved most. His response was to kiss his boyfriend on the top of his head before excusing himself, saying it was late. He knew he was confusing the other but it was for the best. The less Gray knew, the better. For a Gryffindor he was quite cowardly, this thought sat bitterly in the back of Lucas’ throat for the rest of the night. As he lay awake, mind too busy to sleep, he came to the conclusion that the only thing he could do was confess. To try and make things right.

Now that he was here, he wasn’t sure what his plan was. He was standing in front of the library, staring at the boy. It was in that moment that, as he looked upon him, all the memories of the two together came flooding back in. He swallowed hard, forcing the bitterness back down. With every step forward that he took, a new memory, a new regret.

They had started out as friends, since day one there was something in the boy that drew Lucas in. He couldn’t help but want to stick by his side. Before they knew it, they were inseparable. Then came the glances, the slight touches, the blushing.

He knew it was wrong, to take advantage of one of your best friends, but he couldn’t help it. Every time Xander glanced at him, something disturbing stirred in Lucas. It was a feeling that tugged at him until the only thing Lucas could do was act on his own impulses.

The first time they kissed it wasn’t pretty, there was nothing cute about the way Lucas forcibly pressed their mouths together. There was nothing nice with how he left the other dazed, with his body pressed painfully against the stone wall, shivering. There was nothing wonderful with how he came back for more each night, to satisfy his own curiosity at the expense of another. At the expense of his friend. There was nothing romantic with how he treated Xander, he didn’t treat him as if he were special, as if he were any different than his other friends. He wouldn’t hold his hand in public, only when they were alone. His kisses weren’t sweet, only selfish. It was one-sided from the start and for that, Lucas was regretful.

There he was, the reason he was here, the person he wanted to talk to the most but also the least. There was a free spot next to him. Lucas could hear his heart throbbing, the hollow sound resonating in his ear, as he took a seat next to the boy he hadn’t spoken to in months. He couldn’t trust his voice at this moment, so he wrote what he needed to say down and slipped the note to him as swiftly as he could.

 “Can we talk?”