#iamevilcupcake

[vyxynheartssterek]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

I wrote something. I’m feeling angsty tonight, and I just needed to write.

Now it’s sleepy time.

[vyxynheartssterek]

You know when you are a fic writer, and you write for a pretty hardcore and supportive fandom and ship. And there’s like these AMAZING writers, who everyone loves, and they all seem to know each other.

Is it weird that I want to be one of them? I’m not an amazing writer, but I’m ok, and I keep looking to see if even one of them has left kudos.

Is that weird?

[vyxynheartssterek]

I’ve written and deleted this post about four times. I know that no one is going to read it, and I know no one is going to give a shit. But I need to write it somewhere.

I’m sad. I hate holidays. I hate seeing people happy with their families. I hate seeing people bitching about their presents, or about their families.

Because I am alone. Again. I will wake up alone. I will cook for one. I will sit and try and keep myself from crying because I’m lonely.

I hate that any plans that I make always fall through. I hate that I’m just not a priority for anyone. I hate that when my brother says he’s having a family Christmas, it doesn’t include me. I hate that no one ever seems to think about the single person, who lives alone, and has no one to be with at Christmas.

There will be no presents for me. There will be no laughter. There will be companionship. Just sadness and loneliness.

It’s days like this that I hate my life. I hate knowing I’ll never fall in love. I hate knowing that no one gives a shit. I hate being the love and support to all my friends and family, and not getting the love and support in return.

I’ll be fine once Christmas and New Years are over. I always am.

But this time of year I’m just so ridiculously sad, and even more lonely.

So to help with not feeling so bad, I’m going to take a break from social media. Because that helps.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas, and New Year.

[vyxynheartssterek]

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

[vyxynheartssterek]

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!!!!!

[vyxynheartssterek]

Tonight I’m feeling a bit sad.

I know that no one will read this, or really care, but it helps me to write it down.

I’m at the point where I think I’m going to have to stop reading fan fics, and watching romantic movies. I read and see all this stuff about love, passion, and relationships, and I can’t handle it anymore you know?

I’ve never been asked out. I’ve never experienced passion. I’ve never had a man care enough about my pleasure. The only people I seem to attract are married men, who think I’m a sure thing, or men who are fresh out of marriages, with kids, who are so caught up in their ex-wives.

I don’t know what it’s like to just make out on the couch. I don’t know what it’s like to be wooed. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone want to hold my hand in public. I’ve never experienced all the little things that read about in fics like neck kissing. 

Any time I work up the courage to ask someone out, I get rejected. There’s only so much rejection I can handle!

I’m 38. I should have experienced this by now. I’ve been single for 6 years. I know it’s because I’m fat. I’m not a horrible person. I’m nice, I’m funny, I’m loyal. But I’m fat. 

It’s taken me most of my life to finally be comfortable in my own skin and not hate myself. But it would seem that the only way for me to find a relationship is to lose weight. And frankly, no man is worth me having to change myself and what I’m happy with.

So I shall be forever alone, and add to my cat collection.

[vyxynheartssterek]

A massive hello to my new followers! I have like 4 in the last couple of days! HI YOU GUYS!!!!

[vyxynheartssterek]

So I was tagged by they-call-me-silvertongue

Rules: tag at least 10 followers you want to know better

Name: Amanda Nickname: Cupcake, Cuppy, Mandi, Moo Birthday: 21st November, 1976 Star sign: Scorpio Height: 5′9″ Favorite color: Purple Time rn: 1.05 pm Last thing I googled: Dylan O’Brien (he’s such a cutie) Blankets I sleep with: Currently? 3. It’s winter and I’m freezing. I sleep alone :( Favorite fictional character: Way too hard to answer that Favorite famous person: I have a list. But let’s go with Tom Hiddleston 
Favorite band: Don’t really have a favourite band. I’m more of a favourite song type person. Last movie I saw: Jurassic World Dream trip: Somewhere beautiful Dream job: Fulltime writer of fiction

Tagging others but please feel free to join in the discussion won’t you?

tatertot 221--bee sparklywordsmith survivingonmars mypatronusisrorypond samarabeara