Words I Couldn't Say
Chapter 1 I wake up screaming , my heart racing, my breathing erratic. The dream was just too vivid, too real. I feel a hand on my shoulder, my body reacts, and I find myself straddling the man beside me, my elbow against their throat. "Jesus, Ian. It’s me." I jump off of him, pushing myself against the wall, “I’m sorry." I try to stop my body from trembling, but if anything it just makes me feel sicker. My stomach turns at the thought that I could’ve easily killed my brother, and I barely make it to the bathroom before I start to throw-up. "Fuck, Ian. Fi?" Lip yelled. I could hear her running down the hall before I saw her. She pushed past Lip, opening a cabinet and wetting a rag. I could tell she hadn’t been sleeping well from the dark bags under her brown eyes. “What the hell happened, Lip?" She asked. I started to say, but felt the vomit coming up again. "All I know is that he was yelling about an IED, then he woke up and started puking," Lip said, leaving out the part about more trying to kill him. Fiona wiped the sweat off my forhead before pulling off my sweat soaked shirt. I could tell by the way she kept looking at me that I looked like shit, but at that point I really couldn’t care less. I laid my head against the tub and fell asleep, just wanting to escape my messed up reality. ….. I paced back and forth in Mandy’s room, trying not to freak out. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket, lighting it, and continuing to pace. My mind was racing at the possibility that maybe it was true maybe I could finally breathe again, maybe I could stop dreaming about bullets and blood. I heard the key in the door, praying it wasn’t my father. I could deal without him hitting me for a day. The bedroom door opened and I saw her hair before I yanked her inside. She stumbled over some clothes, and flipped me off before sitting down. “Is it true?" I asked. "Is what true?" "Is he back? Is Gallagher back?" She nodded, “Yeah, but he’s not the same." I felt my excitement dim incredibly, “How?" “Lip said something about panic attacks, readjusting, and possible PTSD," she said. I tried to remember what that was but came up blank. " Post traumatic stress disorder." My brain worked slower than my legs and I soon found myself in front of the Gallagher house. I knocked on the door, hoping it would be him and praying it wouldn’t. I could hear Deb tell Carl that he wreaked and needed a different shirt, and smiled. But my smile was short lived. "Lip, I don’t know how much more of this he can take," Fiona said. " He’s a Gallagher, he can take anything." "It kills me to see him like this. There’s no way he’s okay." I didn’t wait for someone to answer, I couldn’t. Fiona stared at me and I could tell she’d been crying. Her eyes were filled with pain, and I wasn’t sure I could do this. "What do you want, Mickey?" Lip asked, but he didn’t have his usual smirk, and that worried me. " Where is he?" Lip shook his head, but Fiona pointed at the ceiling. I didn’t say anything else as I took the stairs two at a time. At first, I wasn’t sure which room to go to, but then I heard the unmistakable sound of someone puking their guts out. I pushed the bathroom door until it bumped against the feet of someone sitting on the ground. "Oh fuck, Gallagher." He didn’t look up for a moment, and I couldn’t help but look him up and down. No, he was not okay. Sweat beaded on his pale skin, and when he finally looked up, his eyes were sunken in like the pictures of the holocaust victims. " Mickey?" He rasped, hid mouth staining into a smile. I shut the door behind me and sit down across from him, chriss-crossing my legs. Ian wasn’t one of those people that could be broke, but war had. He looked like he was dying. "How’ve you been, Mickey?" He asked. I shook my head, “Shut up, Gallagher." He smiled again, but it looked more like the old Ian than this broken man. He reached out a hand to my face, and I couldn’t help but lean forward. His fingers touched my face, and I sighed. I looked at his chest taking in the random scars that went up his stomach and chest, but my eyes caught the bruising that had formed at his elbow. "What the fuck, Gallagher?" I asked, grabbing his hand and twisting until his arm was bared to me. " You’re using heroin?" He yanked his arm back, vomiting into the toilet. I handed him the bottle of water that was beside me, staring as he drained half of it. He looked up at me, “I can’t do this anymore." " Yeah you can, you’re Southside." He shook his head and I watched as Ian began to cry. I scooted over beside him, unsure of what to do. Ian laid his head in my lap, and I absently ran my fingers through his hair. "I can’t go back," he whispered. I nodded my head, “I know." I listened to his breathing slow and his eyes flutter shut. I felt the tear on my cheek, but I didn't wipe it away. I couldn't let go of him just yet. Fiona opened the door, handed me a beer, and sat down beside me.
