#ibfibg extras

[kay-elle-cee]

A song from the i'll be fine, i'll be good playlist came on when I was picking up dinner and I just got so fucking giddy thinking about Lily’s turning point in regards to Snape. (Spoilers for ibfibg chapter 5 below the cut)

The song is I don’t have one anymore by The Sonder Bombs and it really encapsulates the Snape/Lily fight at the apothecary. There's a few lyrics that really stuck out to me that made me put it in this particular spot on the playlist:

“You could help me (…) but I don’t buy it.”

This line is obviously in relation to Snape trying to recruit her to the Death Eaters, but the repetition of it to the point of like, screaming, I think is so indicative of Lily just finally losing her absolute shit and reaching her boiling point with every. single. thing she's had to deal with up to this point. Someone who once knew her better than anyone else, who she hasn't seen in almost two years, who she at one point hope she could save from darkness, who played such a significant part in her isolation throughout school...now coming to try and recruit her "for her own good" to a side in a war that wants to literally kill everyone like her? With that fucking same sense of superiority of knowing what's best for her just like he was "looking out for her" in school and manipulating their fading friendship and alliance to keep her alone? We know this confrontation leads to that duel in the street and her subsequent joining of the Order...which brings me to the next line.

"Moving forward from here I think you should stay clear of me" which upon repetition turns into "you should fear me."

I love that this is a line in the sand moment, and definitely her turning point in going from laying low to becoming an active participant in the war, BUT EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I love the framing of this as she's the danger to be feared. She doesn't need to avoid them, they need to avoid her. I think it's a powerful recontextualization of herself, especially with the fact that most of the times I've used The Sonder Bombs on this playlist has been in relation to Lily's inner struggles and also her external conflicts specifically with Severus.

And ultimately it's a fair warning because he should fear her, because she outsmarts him, in the end. Her confirmation of his status as a Death Eater sets in motion a plan that ends with him captured and her own knowledge and talent on the other side of the war ends up neutralizing the threat of his (super fucked up) potion. I fully believe Lily would've joined the Order without that visit from Snape, but his visit pissed her off enough to light a fire under her that wasn't going to die until she did something worthwhile for the war effort.

And then straying from that particular song for just a little end-of-essay tangent, in the playlist order it's followed up with another song from the same band literally called Play It By Fear that I've always interpreted as Lily wrestling up the courage to ask about the Order. Like, the line's been drawn, she's motivated and knows what she wants but there's still that little bit of residual shame, especially when it comes to James:

"I've always been a coward but that's just something everybody already knows."

But yeah I just really like the juxtaposition of "You should fear me" and then "Play It By Fear" next to each other 😅

And THEN again, just to wrap this all up....those are the last songs from this band on the playlist (there are 8! which is not an insignificant number!), as her inner turmoil settles with a clear purpose in front of her, as her interactions with Snape are behind her, as she makes new friends and mends old wounds.

I dunno, sorry for rambling, this story is still very much in my head 😅 Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[kay-elle-cee]

I would love to know about James' feelings that time they first meet eyes years later. Directors take OR a James POV 😍

HELLO Athena! Thank you for your patience since I've saved this in my inbox to answer after the final chapter of i'll be fine, i'll be good went live. Answer below the cut! (And a reminder that anyone can ask me for thoughts/Director’s Cut for any of my fics at any time!)

(sorry I tried to refine this but it still ended up a bit word vomity!)

ALRIGHT so we learn in chapter six that James was, in fact, really broken up about Lily for awhile (I mean....that's not particularly a spoiler, is it?). I like to think that by the time James sees Lily—like walking into the shop and having face-to-face interaction with her for the first time since he told her he loved her all those years ago (oh my god ow)—he's really processed everything and made peace with it all. He's had his eyes opened a little bit more by his work with the Order to just how difficult and dangerous it was for her. He's forgiven her, and he understands (to an extent) her actions, but he also knows that because of this he can't really be mad at her, and he just...is trying to be as normal as he can (even though a part of him misses her). So he has to be careful.

He's known she's worked at that apothecary for years. Remus absolutely told him immediately (well, maybe not immediately, but definitely within that first month). And he's likely agonized time and time again on if he should go in, how bad would it be to look through the window, maybe one of us should just, like, make sure she's okay...But then you have Sirius (and to a lesser extent Remus and Peter) reminding James of what kind of toll Lily took on him last time, reminding him that if she wanted to see him, she could reach out, reminding him how far he's come and fuck Evans because she hurt you. And James, even if he doesn't feel Sirius' anger at the whole situation, maybe listens to this, lets it bolster him to keep his resolve hardened and his guard up.

But then he gets paired up with Sam for the potions run. And he definitely panics and feeds her some BS line about him needing to wait outside so they're not ambushed in the shop and she's like whatever you weirdo I'm going to go see this really interesting girl I met and could definitely be friends with YOUR LOSS. And then she's chatting and he's out there just getting so nervous because what if Sam lets it spill to Lily that he's out here and then they get to talking, what would Lily say would Lily be mad would she want to say hi why do I care so much about what Lily thinks? He's done so well at living his life in a post-Lily world but suddenly everytime he's around this shop she's just there on his mind. So he gets a little overwhelmed and opens that little door and tells Sam to hurry up without ever looking in because he knows there's a real possibility that the second he sees Lily (really sees her) this resolve he has might crumble.*

*And I think it's important to note here that I'm not suggesting James would fall to her feet and confess his love with one glance, but he'd be James. He'd be kind (maybe too kind), and he suspects that somewhere in his heart he still loves her and is worried that it'd be too easy to fall back into that pattern after all the work he's done.

But yeah so he and Sam leave and he's in the all clear but then he gets injured in the field and Sam has to leave and suddenly he's in charge of the potions supply runs and he has no other choice—he has to SEE HER. He spends the whole morning fretting, trying to remain calm, trying not to run scenarios through his head and telling himself he can do it, that it's no big deal—he's just a patron and she's just a shopkeep. (He's definitely not looking forward to it, even if he had all of those musings about dipping in and seeing her over the last few years—that's idealistic James and this is practical James.) I think he goes so far as to even try to remember some of the anger he had felt towards her at one point of time—really grasping for anything to make sure and keep that distance between them. But it's this weird thing because Remus told him about the Snape encounter so he's also a little worried about her and it's this tightrope of keeping things professional. Not concerned, not angry, but something neutral in between.

And then he sees her. And he thought he was prepared, and he was so, so wrong. There's pain, when their eyes meet. The last time he looked into them echoes in his mind and there's pain and a little bit of that anger comes back and maybe it's anger at her but maybe it's also a little bit of anger for himself—for not understanding her as well as he feels he should have. But he leans on the anger, only giving her the shortest of answers, and he leaves. And he thinks: I can do this.

And when he gets sent again, he holds onto that anger a bit tighter and tries to ignore the undeniable way his heart beats faster when that bell over the door rings.

Listen I might do a James POV of some scenes one day, if the urge strikes and people are interested, who knows?

[kay-elle-cee]

Hey. Congrats on your milestone. You are an amazing writer who contributes soo much to this fandom and I'm so glad you are a part of it. Could you do some hcs on I'll be fine, I'll be good. I love the happy ending and interpret J and L to have a good and healthy relationship, but how are they as an established couple? What is her relationship with Sirius and Remus like? What difference is dating and marriage compared to Gryffindor!Lily ? Love to see your takes on these

Oh my goodness, Anon, thank you so much for these kind words 🥺

And I am HAPPY to give hcs for i'll be fine, i'll be good! I've spent a lot of time thinking about Them.

(this got out of hand so I'm putting it below a cut)

Follower Milestone Celebration

I think in the beginning, there's a lot of late nights spent talking (at Lily's apartment, because the guys- especially Sirius- are still a little wary of this whole thing). I imagine these nights remind them of that first night they spent together in 7th year, after Christmas holidays when James told her about Fleamont and they just shared the history of themselves with each other. They catch each other up on the intervening two years and really open up to each other in a way they didn't when they were younger. They work on really understanding one another and trying to be as transparent as possible (which is hard for Lily, but dammit, she won't lose him again).

Their relationship definitely isn't a secret this time, not with that display after the raid in chapter 6, and people respond to this differently. It raises some eyebrows with the majority of the Order, but no one makes any sort of snide comments.

Sam is honestly their number one cheerleader, always talking about how gross they are but also shoving them together whenever there's a chance. She really clued in to Lily's loneliness when they met and is just really excited that she seems to be happy and that James just adores her.

Remus extends the hand to Lily first, of the boys. Inviting her to the bookstore on her lunch break, inviting her to tag along to things with the group of them, etc. Remus, more than the others, knows about self-hatred and self-persecution, and sees that as a commonality between them, so it's easier for him to understand why she did what she did back in Hogwarts.

Peter likes Lily, but doesn't really talk to her too much unless it's just the two of them, or maybe Lily and James and Peter. He's afraid of rocking the boat, and that boat is Sirius' temper. He doesn't really publicly interact with Lily until Sirius comes around.

Because of COURSE it takes Sirius the longest to come around. Yes they had some progress over the course of that final chapter of ibfibg but I don't think Sirius is one to just forgive and forget, and Lily and James both know this so they don't push it. There's no walking on eggshells around him or downplaying their relationship, but there's also no eyerolling "get over it/get used to it" exasperation, etc. Lily just becomes more of a fixture in their lives and Sirius accepts it but doesn't necessarily embrace it.

Until a few months into their relationship when James comes back hurt from a mission and she spends all night at Headquarters working to heal him. It takes a few hours to get James stable and when she does, Sirius brings her a cup of tea (the way she likes it, which he's apparently picked up on) without saying a word. They sit in mostly silence, watching James breathe, until Sirius starts asking the impatient questions of 'how did this happen, how long until he wakes up, is there anything to make the healing faster' etc and a very tired, very frazzled Lily snaps at him and they go back to sitting in silence.

A couple of hours after that when James gets the clearance to return to their flat, Sirius hoists him up (still very groggy) and begins to walk out. He looks back expectantly to where Lily is sitting with her head in her hands and asks "You coming, Evans?" and then it's more or less smooth sailing for them there. There's lots of verbal sparring between the two, but any animosity is more or less gone.

As mentioned above, communication is crucial to their relationship. And they do have their arguments—times where they don't really see eye-to-eye on things—but there's a love there that's been through hell and back that withstands it all.

I'm very firm in my belief that they wouldn't rush to get married. I think being in Slytherin and being very close to that pureblood zealously would really scare Lily at her core. Seven years of being surrounded by the "diluting the bloodline" shit, along with all the accompanying hate and anger, would stay with her, even though she knows it's all a lie (not to mention the fucking war they're literally in the middle of).

I think this would be one of their reoccurring arguments—James would press the issue, talk about how much he wants to marry her and she'd say things like "Isn't this enough?" or "I'm not going anywhere, I promise," and probably rejects at least one proposal before something* happens and they tie the knot.

*It's Harry. They accidentally get pregnant with Harry and the joy she feels overwhelms the terror of everything that had been subconsciously beaten into her and it's not a long engagement because James is so fucking ecstatic that it's happening it just happens. (And then I think Lily swings hard in the opposite direction and starts flaunting the fact that she's pregnant and married into the Potter line. Not like, in battle or anything, but when they go out to Diagon Alley, etc, she lets that bump be KNOWN).

And I can't in good conscious let this Harry be the subject of a prophecy so he's NOT.

*takes a deep breath* Sorry, that was a lot 😅 Hope you enjoyed, though, and thank you again so much for your lovely words!

[kay-elle-cee]

Director's Cut! I know I've already sent in one ask, but this scene really got to my heart and I want to hear ALL your thoughts!!! Feel free to answer after this week's release if there are spoilers!!

The very last scene between Lily and Sirius in chapter five.

Hi Athena! Thanks for the ask! This is definitely one I can answer before chapter 6 drops... (your other one will have to wait 😅). Under the cut for i'll be fine, i'll be good spoilers!

Ask me for director’s commentary on any fic scene!

So fun fact, I originally was going to have all 3 of James friends visit her in succession after their meeting at The Drunken Crup. Remus would be first, kind of checking in on her after the Snape encounter, then Peter would come in to get the ingredients instead of James, and "casting her strange looks she can't decipher", and then it was going to be Sirius with the scene that was in chapter 5. As much as I would've liked her interacting with the others, it just kind of felt like filler, and Sirius, I think, would ultimately take the charge to confront her first.

I do think that the original intent of all three of them coming shows that James definitely told all of them about meeting with Lily, possibly expressing worry over her safety, so they drop into the shop where, in the last two years, they had avoided her completely. Obviously this means they've noticed some sort of shift in James' attitude towards her, and with that and the knowledge of 7th year in mind, they're naturally curious.

BUT ANYWAY BACK TO SIRIUS. I wanted Lily to be confronted with the consequences of her leaving after Slughorn's party in a way that wasn't softened or that she couldn't look away from, and Sirius, who's so protective of James and so naturally distrusting of others (and predisposed against Slytherins) seemed like the perfect avenue to that. Not to mention that we've seen them be friendly in the past—the advice he gives her in third year, the way he fishes the information of her and Snape's relationship out in fifth year (for James!!!!), and even their banter seventh year ("He's ours, Evans, get lost!") and the fact that Lily and James were publicly friendly enough to where they all studied together. So I think her betrayal of James stings on two levels for Sirius—first and foremost for James, obviously, but also because Sirius trusted her, at least a little, and she broke that not once but twice (ghosting them after fifth year, again in seventh year).

So to Sirius, having her back means trouble, and while he's not so willing to let his guard down he knows James is, and he's not having any luck talking sense into him. So he goes to the source—he goes to her so she knows exactly what she did and can't just run away from it, and hopes it knocks some sense into her to stay away.

(I'd like to say that a part of him wants to knock some sense into her to do better, but I also think that Sirius abides by "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" so I think Lily will have a long road ahead of her to regain his trust—which, if the roles were reversed, would be the same situation.)

And then there's the parallel to Snape's barging in, right? In this chapter Snape barges into her workplace unannounced and physically accosts her. Sirius is doing the same thing, but emotionally. I like to see Snape's scene as a turning point for Lily for how she sees herself and her worth and her actions in this war—driving her to do more and be more. I like to see Sirius' scene as a similar catalyst, but for her relationship with James. But I guess that's all I can say about that until chapter 6 comes out ☺️

[kay-elle-cee]

I would love to hear your director's commentary on the "I can’t just pretend that I don’t feel this way anymore"/"can you try?" part of ibfibg!! I think you probably have Things To Say about that!

Ahhhh Cam! Thank you so much for this ask, you are absolutely RIGHT! Putting it under the cut for spoilers :)

Ask me for director's commentary on any fic scene!

So I always knew this scene would happen in my outline—James confessing his feelings while Lily was losing herself in a breakdown—but other than the initial "You matter to me" line leading into an "I love you", and the fact that Lily would be too scared and overwhelmed to properly respond, THAT exchange came in the moment when I was writing.

It was important to me to make Lily respond almost dismissively at first (James' "Don't laugh" when she laughs at her mattering to him breaks my HEART), and then kind of get swallowed up by her own desperation as James became more and more insistent of his feelings. Because of course James is going to double down when the girl he loves doesn't think she's worth anything!

And James' confession (because it's a confession—you can tell it pains him to do it, that he knows she doesn't want to hear it) just barrels out of him, unprompted, and she's just standing there panicking.

And for awhile I had "I love you"/"Can you try not to?" but I just didn't gel with it. I think it's something with the framing of his feelings and Lily's response (I hope this makes sense). In this original example, Lily's response is more asking him to repress something, vs the addition of him justifying his love with "I can’t just pretend that I don’t feel this way anymore" and Lily's "Can you try?" almost having an edge of hopefulness that he can refute the feelings and do better than her (and thus save himself from the pain their demise).

And James picks up on this immediately and tries to tell her she deserves better than she's used to getting and he's going to be the one to stay and prove it to her...and then it devolves into a heavily charged classic James/Lily back and forth because that's something that's comfortable to them, even if there's this intense current underwriting that argument.

But then James falters and tries to turn the conversation back to sincerity and Lily knows if she hears him say anything kind to her again she's at a point where she might not be strong enough to resist so she just acts. Emotions are so high and honestly I go back and forth between whether James knew this was her coping or if he thought this was her way of responding to his words in kind without having to say it back. (Would love to hear how people interpreted it!)

Whatever it was, he definitely didn't expect her to leave afterwards. But I'm a devious angst-maniac so 🤌🏼 ✌🏼

Thank you again! This is one of my favorite scenes I've ever written 🥰

[kay-elle-cee]

Directors Cut!!

Sam Fawley's POV and her thoughts on Lily....and then Lily AND James!!! When do you think she catches on? How out of it was she for the injury - unconscious/captured or just bedridden but able to tell something weird was going on?

Oh Athena, Athena, Athena....you know the way to my heart and that is through SAM FAWLEY! Details below the cut...

Ask me for a director's cut/behind the scenes information for any of my fics!

SAM! Okay, where do I start?

I truly think she was thrown off by Lily initially—what is this girl their age doing here in this dusty, old, run-down apothecary? And she's pleasant and funny? And she knew Graham? Admittedly the Slytherin thing totally catches her off-guard but Sam is really a vibes-based girlie and Lily is not giving off any negative or dangerous energy so she's like yeah okay whatever. And she and Marlene leave and Marlene is not sure about Lily, but Sam is totally hung up because she can tell that there's something about this apothecary girl that's sticking with her. (And somewhere in the back of her mind she's trying to figure out why she looks familiar, even though Sam never hung out with any Slytherins). Lily's already shown that she has an advanced grasp of potions and Sam wonders what her deal is, if she could possibly be of use to the Order, and she wants to suss that out.

So she goes back, and Marlene can't/doesn't really want to go with her and the only other person around is James, so he's roped into coming along. And when they get there James insists on waiting outside, which is fine with Sam because that means 1:1 time with this puzzle of a person/new potential BFF she's trying to figure out. So she goes in and she presses Lily's potions knowledge a little bit more, it offers a little peek into her life (she wasn't close with her housemates, seemed like a bit of a loner) and then James pops his head in and she watches this girl freeze up, and she faintly remembers a slightly-younger, much-happier Lily hanging around with James and his pals during her sixth year (Lily's fifth).

And that's the thing that really gets the wheels in Sam's head turning—she's definitely copped onto something after that. She didn't know exactly what it was, but Lily's insistence that she not call James in, combined with James' insistence that he remain outside and the knowledge that they were co-Heads and once friends....that girl's wheels were TURNING. And like I'm not saying Sam has any major sway in the Order, and obviously James was taken out of the field for his injuries, but she 100% mentioned to Moody that James went with her to Murk's once, so he knows where it is, he knows the woman at the counter, etc. Now if Moody took any of this into consideration is up for debate, but she was pulling those strings!

Sam's mission took longer than expected, and then she came back unconscious for a few days, and even when she woke up she was slow to really get back to things and was under medical observation at Headquarters. When Lily shows up with James to that first Order meeting, it certainly draws her attention—she's heard mutterings throughout that week of Lily Evans, how she can be an asset, an apparent conversation between her and James that was the catalyst for this. She's ecstatic to see her (as evidenced by the hug) and is both touched and intrigued by the fact that Lily expects her to be doing the apothecary runs again, since that had not been communicated to Sam at all (and Lily didn't see it but yes James flushed a little bit when Sam looked at him because he has no intention of giving up that job and she fucking knows it.)

During the meeting she notices how James is leaning over, explaining things to Lily just like she is, notices they've come quite a ways from not being keen to be in the same room as one another. She doesn't know if anything else is going on between them, but she's too busy trying to pay attention to the meeting and add context for Lily to look too closely.

James keeping the potions assignment is a HUGE clue to her that maybe ~something~ is afoot, though, but it infuriatingly also means she doesn't get that solo time with Lily anymore, since Moody has her on a different assignment (paperwork, boo!). This means she can't really poke around for information from Lily, and she knows from years of knowing James and his friends that the four of them can keep a secret if they want to, so she doesn't even try that front.

I could go scene-by-scene and this is already getting really long so I'll just jump ahead and say that she's vaguely aware of like...tentative flirting between them. When they make longer-than-normal eye contact after that initial night apothecary (Sam thinks he's staring at her for a second and gives him a weird look), how they leave Benjy's memorial thing not-together-but-together, how they continue to fucking stare at each other even after James gives the potions assignment back to her... but I don't think she actually knows how deep whatever it is between them runs until James volunteers to go after Snape and Lily's almost crushing her hand.

Wow that was a lot of words I'M SORRY.

[kay-elle-cee]

Heeeyy Kelsey! What a fun ask game! Can you answer ★ for ibfibg please?

Ah, thanks Cam! This is such a good question!

★ what was the scene you most wanted to write in ibfibg? what was the hardest scene to write?

So the one scene I was always excited to write, even before having most of the plot outlined, was the Lily and Snape confrontation in Diagon Alley. (This stems from some lyrics in the song that inspired the fic, Twinkle Lights by The Sonder Bombs.) I'm incredibly happy with how it turned out, but I came across this exchange from my original outline that I completely forgot about and it bummed me out that I left it out (but to be fair I think after writing the story up until that point, they had progressed past this point by then) 😅

"Not everything’s black and white, Lily.” "But this is! How do you not see that?”

Now for the hardest scene? Probably the scene in the Order infirmary in chapter 6 when they're trying to use Lily's potion to counteract the effects of the poison. I think in-depth physical description is my weakness, and I didn't want to cross the line to something too gruesome. Adding to that that there was some heavy exposition/explanation needed that I didn't want to come across too heavy-handed/deus ex machina...it took a lot of staring at my computer trying to figure out 😅

Thank you again for the ask!

Fic Asks Game!

[kay-elle-cee]

Okay I thought I was gonna come be greedy and ask for roar even though you’ve shared sneaky snippets with me… but then a I saw ibfibg James POV 👀👀👀

Hiya, Ray!

So I started a James ibfibg companion piece back in October after a LOT of people expressed interest, and Taylor Swift released some pretty post-7th-year-James-coded Vault Tracks on 1989.

Now....I got a teeny tiny bit burnt out at the end of October, so I only wrote a bit before putting it on the back burner...but here's a little snippet:

“You know that raggedy old shopfront–Murk’s?” “Yeah, what of it?” “…Evans works there.” Four days. He had managed to keep his distance for four days. But now, standing on the other side of the street from Murk’s Apothecary, he can see her—faintly, through the grime-covered windows. Lily. What’s felt like a hollow ache in his chest suddenly fills with breath-altering agony as memories from those last few weeks of term flood in to fill the cavern. The pain in her eyes the night of Slughorn’s party, the swirling confusion between them as he told her he loved her and she’d responded with all the building fire of a dying star, imploding on itself. The absolute desolation he’d felt to wake up and find her gone. And then…numbness.

I hope to come back to it this year...maybe I'll release it on the anniversary of ibfibg! Thank you!

Ask me about my WIPs!