It's Complicated - Chapter 10
Zayn was motionless. He didn’t know what to think at this news. Of course, having a brain tumor was horrible. At least now he’d found out why he’d been getting so dizzy, and probably why he’d been getting so emotional, as well. It was probably because of the part of the brain the tumor was on. But if the tumor was cancer, then it could easily kill him. People fought brain cancer all the time, and most didn’t win.
At the same time, Zayn could die from it. That had been his goal for a long time, hadn’t it? Dying? So now he could die easily, and he wouldn’t even have to kill himself. Niall wouldn’t be able to stop it, Niall wouldn’t be able to find him and save him. Nothing could save Zayn if it was a brain tumor.
Maybe it would take a little bit longer, but there would still be the satisfaction of knowing that he was dying. It might even be a painful death. Physical pain was welcome to Zayn. Maybe Zayn would die a slow, painful death, and he would be in agony. Not being able to eat, maybe going through cancer treatments that made him sick. Finally, a slight smile spread across his face.
Niall wasn’t looking down at him. His breath had hitched at the news, and tears were welling up in his eyes. He was thinking about the fact that Zayn could die from this as well. That he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it this time. But Niall wasn’t going to give up. He was going to stay with Zayn as long as necessary, and Niall was going to help him through it. As soon as Liam heard the news, he would understand, wouldn’t he? Liam would understand why Niall wanted to stay with Zayn.
Dr. Kimble was silent, giving them a sad, slight smile. He had always hated being the one to give the news. After giving them a few minutes to work through their thoughts, he knew that he would have to talk to them about their next steps. “At this moment, it doesn’t look cancerous. But we’re going to have to do a brain biopsy, and then test it, to see if it is cancerous. We’re also going to have to do some brain scans to see if it’s operable or not. If it is operable, we’re going to want to take Zayn to surgery as soon as possible.”
Biting his lip, Niall finally managed to nod. He couldn’t say anything past the lump in his throat. He didn’t want Zayn to know he was worried. No, Niall would have to stay calm so that Zayn stayed calm. Silently Niall was cursing himself, cursing himself for saying that everything would be alright and now suddenly it might not be. He had given himself false hope.
But Niall also knew that he had to keep that hope up. He had to keep the hope up that everything might be okay, and that he and Zayn could make it through this. He found himself pulling Zayn closer to him, his hand finding her own and giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“What’s a biopsy?” Zayn suddenly asked. He wasn’t choked up at all, he was in fact excited at the prospect of maybe being able to die and it not being his fault. “Is it going to hurt?”
Dr. Kimble was surprised at how natural Zayn seemed. How this news didn’t seem to affect him at all. He said, “It’s where we take a piece of the tumor from her brain, and then we scan it to learn more about it.” Dr. Kimble paused, “Because of the location of this tumor, we’re going to have you under sedation while we’re doing the biopsy. So, no, it won’t hurt.”
Zayn nodded. They were all silent for a few moments, working through their thoughts. Nobody really knew what to say, especially not Niall. After a few minutes of silence, Dr. Kimble announced that they would be doing the biopsy later that afternoon, and then he went out of the room.
As soon as the doctor had left the room, Niall let out a small choked sound. “I - um, I’ll be right back, alright?” He mumbled. He could tell that he was about to have a breakdown, and he didn’t want to be in front of Zayn when that happened. If Niall had a breakdown in front of him, then he would start to get worried.
What Niall didn’t understand was how Zayn wasn’t already worried. He had a brain tumor, and he knew what that meant. Shouldn’t Zayn be even more worried than he was? It was Zayn’s life, not his.
That’s when the realization came to Niall. That Zayn didn’t want to live. That was why he wasn’t worried about the brain tumor. The tumor was an excuse to die. Niall’s eyes widened at the realization, and he started to move from the hospital bed.
When Niall started to move from the hospital bed, Zayn shook his head. He put his fist in Niall’s shirt again, pulling him close once more. “No, it’s alright.” He said quietly. Zayn gave a slight, understanding smile, knowing that Niall was close to crying. “You can cry, I don’t mind.”
Niall gave him a slight smile, tears coming to his eyes. He quickly wiped one that fell away with his thumb, and he bit his lip. “I need you to promise me something.” He whispered. Niall knew Zayn probably wouldn’t promise him it, but it was at least worth a shot. “I know you don’t want to live. But I need you to fight through this. Even if you’re not fighting for yourself, I need you to fight for me.”
Zayn swallowed thickly, pushing hair back from his forehead as he looked down. How was he supposed to promise Niall that when he was already so excited to die? “You’re right.” Zayn whispered. “I don’t want to live. The reason I’m not upset like you is because I don’t want to live. I don’t understand why you would want me to live.”
Niall leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Zayn’s. Niall honestly didn’t care if this was something that couples did, him and Zayn were best friends, and it was a friendly gesture. “I want you to live because things will get better. We’ll get you help, and we’ll get you better. I don’t care how long it takes, things will get better. You deserve to be here when things get better!”
Zayn sighed quietly. He didn’t want to disappoint Niall. But that didn’t mean that he wanted to live, either. “I’ll fight.” Zayn finally whispered. The tumor would be stronger than him. He already wasn’t strong enough to fight his own mind, Zayn knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to fight a brain tumor. So no matter how hard he fought, he wouldn’t win. That was why she could promise Niall that he would fight.
Niall gave him a slight smile, breathing out a small sigh of relief. “Thank you.” He breathed out. “You know, I’m not the only one that wants you here. Liam wants you here. All of the guys want you here.” He paused, “Even Harry. I know he’s not exactly being the best right now, but I know he still wants you here.”
Zayn’s breath hitched, muscles tensing when Niall mentioned Harry. He didn’t want to talk about Harry, he was trying to forget. Of course, you couldn’t just forget the best year of your life. But Zayn was at least trying to keep himself distracted so that she didn’t think about it. “Talking about him makes me more depressed.” He whispered.
Stomach jolting, Niall realized that he shouldn’t have said that. He honestly had no idea why he had just mentioned Harry. “Right, I’m sorry.” He said quickly. “But, if you ever do want to talk about it, you can talk to me. I know it’s hard, and that sometimes talking might help.”
Giving him a slight smile, Zayn shook his head. He knew talking wouldn’t help. That was one of the main reasons he didn’t want to go to the therapist. The only thing you would do was talk, and talking didn’t help. Talking brought up more memories, and more sadness. Zayn had enough of that as it was. “Thanks for the offer. I’ll be sure to take you up on it if I ever think that talking might help.” He knew Niall was only trying to help, so he didn’t want to be rude.
They laid in silence. Finally, Niall turned on the little hospital television. They sat there for a while, just watching the tv. They flipped through the channels together, trying to find something actually decent to watch. When there wasn’t anything there, they finally settled on a stupid show that they could both make fun of while they watched.
Zayn was laughing at almost everything Niall said. It was a sound that he hadn’t heard through the past few days. He’d always thought the next time he heard Zayn laugh that he’d be so excited Zayn was laughing, but this wasn’t genuine. This wasn’t genuine laughter. It didn’t exactly sound forced, but when he laughed, the smile didn’t go up to his eyes. Zayn’s eyes stayed dark and lifeless.
Niall bit his lip, but he didn’t say anything about it. It was obvious why Zayn’s smile didn’t go up to his eyes. Niall told himself that no matter what it took, he was going to bring that light back into Zayn’s eyes. He wasn’t going to let Zayn give up, Niall was going to get him help.
After a while, Niall suddenly noticed that Zayn had stopped laughing. Niall looked down at him, and he couldn’t help but to give a small smile when he saw Zayn had fallen asleep. At least when he was asleep he was peaceful, which was something he wasn’t when he was awake. “Good night, Zayn.” He said, how he always did, with another little grin.
It was a couple hours later when a nurse came in to get Zayn prepared for the biopsy. Niall smiled at her and slowly untangled himself from Zayn. Niall wanted him to get as much sleep as possible, and if he stayed asleep while the nurse prepared him, then he probably wouldn’t even wake up until after the biopsy was done.
The nurse got him all prepared, and Zayn still hadn’t woken up. Niall was glad for that, because then he wouldn’t be worried about the biopsy. He leaned down and kissed Zayn’s forehead, then gave the nurse another small smile.
The nurse smiled back sympathetically at him. “We’ll take good care of your boyfriend.” She said, looking down at her chart to write a few things. The nurse didn’t think anything of calling Zayn his boyfriend. By the way they were acting, it just looked like they were dating.
Niall’s eyes widened when she said the word ‘boyfriend,’ and he paused. He didn’t know what to say. Should he correct her, or not? Finally, he just smiled back at the nurse. “Thank you.” Niall found himself saying. “He really does mean alot to me.”
When the nurse had taken Zayn away to get the testing done, Niall found himself sitting alone in his hospital room. He couldn’t believe what he’d just done. Now the nurse did think they were dating. But that really wasn’t what he was thinking of. Niall was trying to figure out why on earth he hadn’t said that Zayn was just his friend. The rational part of his brain was telling him that if they knew he wasn’t family, or close in that sort of sense, that he wouldn’t be allowed to make decisions regarding Zayn’s medical treatment.
But the irrational part of his brain was telling him otherwise. He wasn’t sure, but it felt like he might be developing feelings for Zayn. When the thought actually crossed his mind, Niall quickly shook his head. He couldn’t do that to Harry, or Liam, or Zayn. No, he didn’t have feelings for Zayn. The rational part of his brain was right, not the irrational part.
What felt like days, but was really only a couple of hours, passed before Zayn was back safe and sound in the hospital room. When the nurse wheeled the hospital bed back in, he was still passed out. “Everything went good.” The nurse told Niall with a small smile, hooking Zayn back up to everything that was stationed in her room. “We should know the results in a few hours.”
Niall nodded. “Thank you,” He told her gratefully. He was more than grateful that the nurse had taken care of Zayn, and made sure everything went well during the biopsy. When the nurse left, he found himself taking Zayn’s hand and turning back to him. “We have to think positive,” He whispered, even though Zayn couldn’t hear him. “Everything is going to be okay.”
It felt like there was a blooming sensation in his chest, one of hope. Zayn was going to be okay. If there was any larger force out there, like a god, they wouldn’t be this cruel to Zayn. Zayn was a good person, and somehow he still got stuck with all of this. So, the larger force wouldn’t take him away because of this. Whatever it was would keep Zayn on earth until things got better, and even past then.
Zayn had woken up a few times, to go to the bathroom, or to get something to drink. He hadn’t eaten, but Niall figured that loss of appetite was probably a symptom with the brain tumor, so he didn’t make him eat. He stayed with Zayn the entire time, every so often texting updates to Liam on his phone.
By the time Dr. Kimble came back in, Zayn was already fast asleep again. Niall was in the bed next to him, arm wrapped around his waist lightly, Zayn tucked into his side. Niall looked up when he heard footsteps, and gave the older man a smile. “Hi, Dr. Kimble.” He greeted.
Dr. Kimble gave Niall a smile. “Hello, Niall.” He greeted. “I take it everything’s going well with Zayn so far.” When Niall gave a small nod, the man’s smile grew even wider. “Well, we have the results back. The tumor is malignant, so it’s not cancerous. It’s also operable. We can get him into surgery within the next few days, and he should be just fine.”
Niall couldn’t help but to grin, and he looked down to Zayn, giving him a light squeeze. Zayn was still asleep, but Niall couldn’t wait to give him the news when he woke up. “Thank you so much!” He said, looking up to Dr. Kimble again and giving him a grin.
Dr. Kimble smiled back at him. “You’re welcome. I’m happy for both of you.” He said. While he was in there, he figured he may as well check Zayn’s vitals. So, looking at the machines and writing a few things down on his chart, he nodded, then walked out of the room.
Once the doctor was out of the room, Niall grinned back down at Zayn. He took Zayn’s hand in his, and kissed his forehead. “Zayn Jawaad Malik, you are going to be okay.”
