La Douleur Exquise - Ch. 5
AU; Chapter 5 - The Case of Blue
Manabu has a bad time with relationships.
~4k words
Bulge was the first to show up.
Kicking his feet up on his desk, Uncle Phantom crossed his arms, and stared down Bulge the same way my dad stared down me. My dad and uncle were more alike than they would ever admit.
“You can’t be alone with one of my boys without paying,” Uncle said. “And you can’t be alone with Manabu in particular unless you’re buying him for the night. This brothel has a reputation to uphold, Schwanhelt.”
Bulge threw his hands up with a huff of frustration. “Great skies, I’m not going to do anything, Harlock. The captain just sent me to check on Manabu. How insane would I have to be to try anything like that?”
Uncle’s head tilted slightly. “But you’d be interested if my brother weren’t breathing down your neck?”
Bulge’s face flooded pink, and he was left fumbling for a response. His brows raised, Uncle’s eye flicked to me. They’d been bickering for several minutes while I sat in the lounge chair across the room, kicking my feet in silence. I wasn’t sure why Bulge needed to be alone with me to talk. Maybe he was suspicious of Uncle. It didn’t matter. If my dad had sent him, I knew what he was going to say.
“Regardless,” Uncle said, cutting off Bulge’s stuttering. “I’m advertising Manabu as a virgin, and that gives him quite the price tag. It doesn’t look good if he’s off alone with other men.”
I wasn’t sure how Uncle managed to say things like that so straight-faced to clients, or Bulge for that matter, when he became a red-faced, blubbering mess when he’d interviewed me for the job.
It had been an entertaining evening though.
“So what are your thoughts on...toys?” he’d asked, one hand covering half of his face to avoid looking at me.
“I’m not sure. I’ve never really used one. I’d be interested. Dick has a bunch, doesn’t he?”
Uncle made a noise like a suffering whale. “We’ll worry about that later then. What about...group sex?”
I kicked my feet, smiling all the while. I’d never seen Uncle so stressed. I shouldn’t have found it so entertaining. “Sounds fine,” I said.
His other hand came up to cover the rest of his face. “W-would you be open to...double p-penetration?”
I broke into a grin. “I think you have to be pretty open for that.”
His face hit the desk’s surface as I burst into laughter. He remained there for a while, unmoving, until he dragged himself up and left the room. Susumu and Mamoru strode in to take his place at the computer, and the questions resumed with a professional ease. Susumu did end up having to shoo Mamoru out after he kept offering to teach me anything I didn’t know.
I didn’t see Uncle again until the next morning. He didn’t look like he’d slept very well.
I guess it was kind of weird for him. He’d visited often when Mamoru and I were growing up, but I hadn’t seen him at all for five years. Last he’d seen me before I came looking for a job, I was fifteen. He probably still thought of me like that sometimes. Dad still thought of me like a little, doe-eyed kid. Always had. Always would.
I wasn’t sure how Bulge saw me. He’d known me since I was pretty young, and Dad had partnered me with him on any dangerous missions. Dad had always trusted Bulge to look after me, so that must have been why he was here now.
“It’s not like you need to go around advertising that I had a quick talk with Manabu,” he hissed.
I hadn’t actually seen Bulge since I left the SDF. In fact, I hadn’t seen much of him since my last mission. Kind of weird that Dad would send him, but I guess this was his way of getting around me not wanting to see him. At least he was respecting my wish to some extent.
“Just talk to me with him in here,” I called, tired of their arguing. “I know it’s been a while, but I’m under lock and key, so you’ve got to deal with Uncle Phantom for now.”
Uncle shrugged to show how little remorse he felt.
My word must have been enough because the argument ended there. As he turned to me, Bulge’s shoulders drooped. Every time his eyes met mine, he’d glance away. My stomach started tying itself in knots. He hadn’t said a word to me since he arrived, and it was becoming apparent that he was only doing this out of respect for my dad. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to see me.
Still refusing to look at me, Bulge rubbed at the back of his neck. “Ah, your father just wanted me to check in on you. He wants you to know that you’re welcome to rejoin the SDF at any time.”
I was sure he’d watered down whatever lines Dad had given to him. “I’m under a contract,” I said. I’d had this conversation with Dad enough times. I didn’t need to have it with Bulge too. “But it’s nice to see you. I don’t get a lot of visitors, no clients or anything. You’re welcome to stop by anytime.”
Sure, having him as a visitor was fine, but I wouldn’t have minded having him as a client. Straight-laced as he was, it would never happen, but I’d always had a bit of a crush on Bulge. Anytime he came with Dad to visit when I was younger, I’d try to keep his attention the entire time.
But I had just as much of a chance to catch his eye now as I did back then. “I-I’ll do my best, Manabu,” he said. He was being so obvious about his discomfort with me that even Uncle was starting to look concerned.
“Are you doing alright?” Bulge asked.
“I’m fine. How is everyone in the platoon doing?”
“Fair enough. Our missions have all gone well. Everyone’s fine. So,” He swallowed. “Are you doing alright with your… I mean, you seem to be handling yourself fine. I’m sorry. I guess this isn’t-”
“They’re fine, Bulge,” I said, tugging off my right glove to show him the prosthetic. I flexed the robotic joints a few times with ease. “I’ve gotten pretty used to it. Doesn’t bother me anymore.”
Looking down at my hand made him cringe, but he didn’t look away. “Sorry,” he murmured. I’m sorry. If I’d just…” He shook his head. “I need to get back in case we get called out. Take care, Manabu.”
He darted out the door without waiting for me to say goodbye in return. The sound of the door closing behind him seemed to rip all the strength from my body. My forehead dropped to my knees. “He’s all grossed out by me,” I groaned.
“I’m not sure what he is, but I don’t think that’s it,” Uncle said from somewhere nearby. His hand came to rest on my shoulder. “I think being cooped up with nothing to do is stressing you out a bit.”
“You should give me a client,” I muttered.
“I’m working on it. In the meantime, you’re welcome to invite over a friend or go out with the other boys on your off day. Didn’t you have that friend from the rehabilitation group you went to? You kept talking about him.”
I turned my head to the side so he could see my smile. “Yeah, I could probably see if he’s free to visit. He’d get a kick out of that. I just… I do miss my platoon, and I know they’re busy, and it’s weird to meet someone at a brothel, but it’s like they want nothing to do with me anymore.”
Uncle took a seat at my side and patted my back. “Do you regret leaving?”
“Do you regret leaving your ship?” I asked.
He didn’t flinch. “Sometimes.”
Sitting up, I fell once again to lean against his shoulder. “Yeah,” I said. “Me too. But I don’t want to go back.”
“But do you want to be here?” he asked. “As much as I support anything that pisses off your father, you shouldn’t work here unless you really want to.”
“I do want to. I mean, I do also want to piss him off, but mostly I just wanted to get away from him. I wanted him to stop treating me like a baby, but it didn’t really work. I also do want to get laid, so it’s not just rebellion if that helps.”
He broke into a laugh that made his shoulders bounce along with my head resting on them. “Well, you’ve got more of a reason than I did at your age, so I guess that’s something. Go run along and get in touch with your friend and drink some tea or whatever it is you do.”
“I mostly just lie around bored.” But I stood and went to send an invitation. Anyone else might have found it odd to get an invite to a brothel, but he wouldn’t think twice about it.
Bruce appeared second.
He walked through the front door, frowning at everything, but he plopped down on the main sofa across from me. “Hey, Yuuki, your dad sent me,” he said, sounding less thrilled than Bulge to be there. At least he would look at me.
“So is this going to be like a bi-weekly thing?” I asked. Destiny station wasn’t too far away by the right trains, and Sirius often worked out of the nearby station, but it was still an out-of-the-way trip.
He shrugged. “Figured I’d come see this place. I hear about it all the time. It sure has that rich snob aesthetic going for it.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of all a front though. It’s just flashy for the clients.”
Bruce’s brows rose, but I wasn’t sure if he was impressed or irritated. Though I’d never learned to read him, guessing he was angry was the safer bet. We were actually assigned as partners when I joined Sirius, but by the higher-ups and not Dad.
Dad liked Bruce from what I could tell, all claps on the shoulder and compliments to his impressive aim. But when it came to Bruce being my partner, Dad clammed up. He was always telling Bruce to keep an eye on me or sticking me with Bulge instead. I couldn’t blame Bruce for the way his lips would twitch toward a snarl every time Dad talked down to him because of me. It always pissed me off too.
“So what’s with your angry dog?” Bruce asked, cocking a thumb over his shoulder toward Daiba. “He’s been glaring at me since I came in.”
“Yeah, he does that,” I said. “He’s our bodyguard.”
“Awfully small for that, isn’t he?”
Daiba’s eyes were like a rabid dog’s. “Should I throw him out, Manabu? I can do it.”
As much as Bruce was asking for it, I shooed Daiba away. “It’s alright. I can handle it.”
Bruce stared on in some mix of surprise and confusion as Daiba slinked off with an actual growl. “He is your dog,” Bruce said.
“Yeah, we love him. So how’s work?”
“Fun,” he drawled. “The captain’s been moody since he came back from here, so we’ve all been trying not to piss him off.”
I huffed and stomped my foot before I realized how childish I looked. “Sorry, but I’m not going to talk to him again until he calms down.”
“I don’t blame you,” he said with a shrug. “You can’t control your dad. The only person who I’ve ever seen talk him down from anything was Kanna.”
“Oh yeah, Mom can be scary. She can shut him up with just a look.” Truthfully, she could do that to me too.
Bruce stretched his arms up and dropped them to rest across the back of the couch. Most first-time clients or visitors were stiff like they’d been frozen through, but he showed no signs of discomfort. Though when I thought about it, maybe this wasn’t his first time at a brothel.
“There was a whole message I was supposed to deliver, but I forgot most of it,” he said. “The gist was that your dad wants you to quit working here. I’m sure you’ve heard this before.”
My chin dropped into my palm. “I have.”
It seemed that was the end of it because he took to glancing around the room again. “So are there complementary snacks or something?”
“Only for paying customers.”
He blinked and stared at me for a moment. I still couldn’t read his expression. “Is that a come-on?” he asked,
It was my turn for my face to burn. There was no way to play it off with my reddened cheeks giving me away, but dammit if I wasn’t going to try. “I-if you want it to be.”
He snorted. “Please, you dad gives me a hard enough time as things are. I like my head attached, thank you.”
I couldn’t keep eye contact, but I couldn’t give up so easily. Flirting was half my job. “But wouldn’t it be fun to get back at my dad for all those times he’s pissed you off?”
I was not good at my job.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him stand and walk up to me. “Getting back at someone by sleeping with their kid isn’t my style.” His fingers pressed up under my chin to tilt my face up toward his. Even as I drowned in the endless blue of his eyes, the fire in my face didn’t let up. His smirk had my heart hammering. “Besides, you’re way above my pay grade.”
“Hey!” Daiba barked from whatever shadowy corner he’d crawled in to sulk. “No touching!”
Bruce jerked back and held his hands up in surrender. To keep myself from getting onto Daiba, I cut my teeth into my tongue.. He was right, after all. Bruce wasn’t allowed to get close if he didn’t pay first.
“So is no one else available?” Bruce asked as he lowered his hands to shove them in his pockets.
“Everyone but Zero has a client,” I huffed. “And you wouldn’t be able to get with Zero.”
Bruce frowned. “Ouch.”
Coursing with disappointment, I fell over to lie along the couch. “Zero only accepts like one out of a hundred clients. Don’t feel bad. You should pick me instead. My dad doesn’t have to know.”
One of those rare, genuine smiles flashed across his face for an instant. My heart missed a beat. “Sorry, Yuuki,” he said. “Your dad knows everything, and so does your brother.”
As though summoned by my wince at the idea of him, my brother showed up that Sunday.
“Manabu!” he greeted as he shoved past Daiba to get through the door. I was tackled in a hug while Daiba spat and growled. “You haven’t talked to me in ages!” Mamoru whined. “You don’t call or visit!”
The rest of the guys looked on from around the room as my breathing began to pick up. I focused on gasping for air to keep my vision from blurring. Uncle was nice enough to snap from the top of the stairs, “Hey, no touching!”
My brother’s mood changed like a flip of a switch. His eyes narrowed as he challenged our Uncle. “He’s my brother!”
Uncle was the wrong person to challenge to a glaring match. “I have enough brothers here to know better than to let them get handsy.”
With a scoff, Mamoru’s nose wrinkled in disgust, though his eyes darted away. “Your brother works here, Uncle Phantom.”
“And I don’t trust him either. Now hands off.”
Though he looked like he wanted to fight the floor he kept glaring at, Mamoru freed me from his death grip and the vice on my trilling heart let up.
“I have a friend coming over,” I said as I regained my breath. “You should have told me you were coming.”
“You’d have told me not to come,” he grumbled. “And what friend? You never invite me over.”
I couldn’t imagine why. “He’s my friend from rehabilitation. I know you’re just here because Dad told you to try to get me to quit and go back to the SDF, so you can go ahead and leave. Tell him I said no.”
Every time I tried to turn away, he stepped in front of me again. “What happened?” he demanded. “You used to follow me around like a duckling, used to say how we were going to get married. Why are you trying so hard to avoid me?”
My shoulders scrunched up by my ears, burning red with a blush. “I was a little kid! I’ve grown up since you joined the SPG! You can’t treat me the same as you did when I left just because we didn’t see each other much. I’m not ten anymore.”
“You don’t act much different,” he said. “Still get all rebellious when you don’t get your way. You don’t need to be here just to get back at Dad. This is crazy. Just come back with me. You don’t have to rejoin the SDF. Hell, you don’t have to see Dad. You can come live with me. I’ll take care of you.” His hands latched onto my shoulders, and he got that desperate look in his eyes, like a starving man. He’d been looking at me that way more and more every time I saw him. He was too damn protective. He’d always been that way.
That was Dad’s fault too.
“Take care of your brother,” he’d said to Mamoru after coming home to find me with a broken arm. I’d taken a tumble down one of the cliffs overlooking the mines, and my face was covered in scrapes. I’d never forget the way Dad’s eyes lit up with fear when he saw the ugly scabs across my cheek and chin.
“Keep an eye on him,” Dad said. “He’s a bit of a danger magnet.”
Mamoru took any command from Dad to heart, and so did I. “Stick with your brother, son,” he told me. “He’ll look after you.”
At first, I willingly trailed after him like an eager puppy. He’d extend a hand to me, and I’d take it to let him lead me wherever he wanted to go. I was content to let him carry me or to sleep next to him. The women in town thought it was adorable, cooed about how we were “little boyfriends.” I don’t think they realized we were related with how different we looked. It didn’t seem weird at the time, so we didn’t correct them.
But I grew out of that.
Mamoru didn’t.
I learned to sneak away on my own so he didn’t grab me and drag me off where we were supposed to go. I loved my brother, but until the day he left for the SPG, I was fighting to get out from under his shadow. Now, it seemed like he wanted to put me back in it.
Before I could wrench free of his grip, the other Mamoru - Kodai - ripped my brother’s hand off my shoulder. “Yuuki,” Kodai said with a dangerous sort of smile I’d never seen him wear. “Come here. Let me have a quick talk with you.”
“I have nothing to discuss with you,” Brother said. “Let go of me.”
“Well that’s too bad because I have so much to say to you. Come here.”
Despite Brother’s protests, no one said a word as Kodai dragged him off toward the laundry room. Uncle and Daiba pointedly looked away. Zero frowned at the book I doubted he was reading. Susumu was the only one looking at me. His eyes were sharp with the desire to say something. He stood and opened his mouth.
The sound of the giant front door slamming open stopped him. “Mana! I made it!” came the screech that could have only come from Ichiro. He stood in the open doorway with his hands on his hips and the smirk of a devil splayed across his face. His hair was fiery orange, his eyes redder than Susumu’s vest. I wasn’t sure if his eyes were naturally that color or if it was part of his augmentation. Actually, I didn’t know much about him, but he could cheer me up better than anyone. “How have you been!?” he demanded.
“Alright,” I answered with a laugh. “I think you almost gave everyone a heart attack.”
They all looked on with wide eyes as he kicked the door shut behind him. “Oh, hi!” He stuck up a hand in greeting. “I’m Ichiro Haya.”
They took turns muttering greetings along with their names. They needn’t have bothered. Ichiro couldn’t remember any name but his own. “Nice to meet you,” he said regardless. Without waiting for them to respond, he slid up to me, frays of his messy hair curling around his grin. “Wow, this place is nice, Mana. So you’re a whore? That’s neat.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t had any clients. I’m still touted as the virgin, but no one’s biting.”
He nodded as though deep in thought. “I could sleep with you if you want, but I’ve never done it either.”
I burst into a laugh, though he seemed dead serious. “That’s okay, Ichiro. I appreciate the offer, though.”
“Okay, but if there’s anyone you want to sleep with, let me know, and I’ll snag them for you.”
“That’s not really…” There was no point in arguing with him, so I gave up without a fight. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
I’d hated the rehabilitation, hated the prosthetics, hated the panic attacks that hit me anytime I felt closed in. But Ichiro was the ever-shining sun in my self-imposed night. While everyone else treated me like a fragile doll, he’d come up and slug me in the arm or demand I go with him to get lunch. It was easy to fall for him. I thought it was love for a while, but looking back, it was more like dependence.
Besides, I wasn’t sure Ichiro was the sort interested in romance. When my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him his preferences, he thought about it for a minute before shrugging. “I dunno,” he said. “I’ve never had sex, so I can’t write it off, but I don’t care much about it. I’ve never dated anyone either. I don’t really get it. Is it just like friendship but you hold hands or something? What’s the point?”
That pretty well threw my crush out the window.
“So your arm and leg been treating you well?” he asked in the nonchalant manner Bulge couldn’t manage.
“Yeah, I hardly notice a difference anymore,” I lied. I had no room to complain to him. Most of his body was in-organic.
His voice lowered enough to hide our conversation from everyone nearby, though I was sure they were still listening. “Panic attacks still been hitting you?”
“Not so bad now,” I breathed more than said. “Mostly just nightmares.”
He nodded, though his brows were pinched. “I don’t know much about sex, but are you going to be okay if a guy pins you?”
“I don’t know.”
Harlock had asked the same thing. It was the first question out of his mouth during the interview, the only one he hadn’t stuttered on. I hoped I could handle it. My first client didn’t need to deal with me hyperventilating before they’d even gotten a scrap of clothing off.
But I couldn’t even sleep with blankets covering me. I’d dream I was back under all that weight, pain like razor wire cutting up my arm from the inside. I’d dream I was inhaling nothing but dirt and exhaling a steady stream of blood. My weak screams for help always woke me up.
I was desperate for contact after so long without it, but I was equally terrified of it. The moment I felt trapped, I went back to that last mission. I heard the screech of the beams collapsing and Bulge screaming my name.
Ichiro broke the rules by taking my hand in his. No one stopped him. “Don’t be hard on yourself,” he said. “I still have the nightmares and attacks too, but you’re strong, and it gets easier to handle.”
I wished my dad and brother would see it like that. I wished they would stop coddling me. All I needed was to hear that from them.
“You can do it, Mana,” Ichiro continued. “Don’t you worry. We’ll get you laid.”
Didn’t really need to hear that bit from them though.