I got a sweet Christmas cards from a friend telling me "you had a trying year..." and truth to be told, that's an regular occurrence in cards addressed to me.
My life is messy, chaotic, inconsistent. I go from a state of being happy to a state of being in trouble. I never had an easy life, I never had an easy year or even a calm year. I am not ill or in danger, no, I just attract changes I guess? It has become so naturally to me I am not questioning this even I sometimes fear the moment where my mind or body (or both!) will shutdown for good as they had enough of these constant turmoils.
This year for instance I finally found work again. I graduated into the start of the pandemic in early 2020 and everything went arseway workwise. I had a shitty job, I quit shitty job, tried to be freelancer, failed horrendously, went on to the next shitty job, got fired, was again unemployment without benefits and then early this year I finally found something.
Only to realize that I'm finally somewhere I like what I am doing but my employer doesn't care about our work and doesn't support us. I had to accept I had to find something new if I want to evolve in my professional field. And I did find something new, I will start a new job next year.
In the midst of everything I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years because we realized we didn't have the same goals in life anymore. He wants to have a family with kids and I really don't. Admitting that to myself was a relief, seeing the relationship break away was - and is still - hard. I also had the hard revelation I can't live from my current workhours (only working half days) and I was too much relaying financially on him. So I needed a new job with more hours, gaining financial independence and then hopefully I can move out from the flat. Because we still do that...living together as flatmates.
And I get that seems like a trying year, especially if you put the insecurities of the pandemic above it. But this year I also suceeded to write and finish my first novel and a fanfic which has novel length! In one year! I did find writing as my big love (again) and I did find myself as a person, as a writer, in my profession and personally.
My life will never be easy, it will always be turbulent and for an outsider it might seem like an endless mess of things for which they should pity me. But don't. I don't know how to lead an easy or calm life and honestly, I don't want to. I always be a bride of my own adventures and if I ever had an easy life I probably wouldn't know me that well as I do. I've never been as much at peace with myself than right now and this peace is extremely precious to me. Even when my life turns messy, I know who I am and what I want in life.