I’m jealous of the way you’re happy without me.
The one where being handcuffed to Harry made Y/N realize way more things than she thought (aka part two of ‘I can't remember why i loved you, anyway.’)
Word Count: 4.4k
TW: angst!!! fluff and smut!!!! I really decided to kill y’all
A/N: here’s part two of ‘I can’t remember why I loved you, anyway.’ Thank you for showing so much love!!! I love y’all you filthy bunch!!!
thank you to my beautiful wife @belladonna-styles for reading it over!!!
Read Part One here!
You’ve spent the day avoiding Harry, acting like nothing happened, like you didn’t feel a million butterflies in your stomach when he told you he loved kissing you, like your heart wasn’t drowning in despair – exactly like after you left two years ago.
Danny didn’t mention the whole ‘handcuffs’ situation. She’s been bubbly and sweet as her usual self, but you could tell she was confused and upset. Her cheerfulness wasn’t genuine. And you felt so embarrassed and remorseful for humiliating her. Because that’s how you thought she felt when you accidentally let everyone know that you were not over your ex –despite coming in with your new girlfriend.
You tried being relaxed and aloof about the situation, promising yourself that you’ll talk about it later with her. You mulled over Harry’s words all day. You dwelled on every single detail about him; his shifty eyes, his slow tone, his soft fingertips, everything that could indicate you that somehow he missed you too.
Maybe it was just for the game, just to get out of the handcuffs but your heart wanted to believe that he meant every word he said. That the way his voice vibrated in your ears like a million angels singing wasn’t just a beautiful hallucination, he meant it and he felt it too.
When you came back to Jeff’s house later that night, everybody was already in their rooms. You stayed out late with Danny to try and discuss the whole Harry situation and the outcome wasn’t good.
At least from your perspective; you explained to her how you and Harry stayed three years together only to break up over the most stupid things; and the more you talked about it the more you felt like it was stupid and that it shouldn’t have happened. You excepted Danny to tell you off and be defensive but to your surprise and disarray, she was very comprehensive and supportive, talking about getting you through and him not being worthy of someone like you.
You’ve given her a warm smile and decided to go back home to get some sleep. She collapsed on the bed as soon as she got out of the shower and you were left alone with your thoughts. You took a long and cold shower just to overthink everything again and ponder better answers for Harry. I love your hands; the way you used to touch me made me feel so beautiful, intense, and safe. It made me feel like you were mine. I liked it when you were mine. I wish you were still mine. You chased the thoughts away, trying to focus on something else but all this struggling and confusion in your mind gave you a headache.
You took a glimpse at Danny peacefully sleeping on the king-size bed. You put a large t-shirt on, one you’ve found on the bedside. You looked at yourself in the mirror and realized it was Danny’s, and worst it was a ‘treat people with kindness’ t-shirt from Harry’s merch. You wanted to take it off but the pounding feeling in your head hastened you to go down, so you left it on.
You strolled around the kitchen looking for some aspirin. You opened a higher shelf and saw the treasure you were looking for, way in the back and out of reach. You struggled to try and catch it. The moment you resigned to use a chair, you felt someone behind you. Their chest pressed against your back and their arm over your shoulder, reaching the pill bottle you were desperately trying to reach. You realized soon enough who stood behind you.
Your eyes gazed over at his strong arms covered in ink. Those same arms that used to wrap around your waist and make you swing, the arms you’d cry in, the arms that held you after an orgasm, the arms that let you go, two years ago.
He placed himself next to you; his lower back resting against the counter. He handed you the bottle.
“Thank you.” Your voice was low; you didn’t even look in his eyes.
“You’re welcome.” He crossed his arms on his chest and traced your body with his stare, smiling at the sight of your shirt.
“What are you doing up this late?” You asked him, genuinely curious to know what kept him from sleeping. He was always tight with his sleeping schedule and would never miss a chance to get extra hours of sleep.
“Can’t sleep, that’s all.”
You hummed at his answer, popping the bottle open to grab a pill.
“What about you? What keeps you up?” His tone was cheeky. It was like he knew he was the reason why you couldn’t sleep.
“Not much.” You tried to abridge the conversation.
“I haven’t seen you in all day.” His poor attempt at keeping the conversation alive made you smile. Truth was; you needed the talk but you weren’t too keen on having it.
“You haven’t seen me in over two years, Harry. Are you really complaining about one day?”
He shrugged and a chuckle fell from his lips.
“Fair enough.”
You poured a glass of water and swallowed the aspirin loudly. Harry’s gaze never leaving you; his eyes tracing your body and your every move. He took a deep breath and started talking.
“I’m sorry, I acted like a jerk this weekend.”
You choked a little bit. Was he really apologizing?
You heard him laugh a little bit and you gave him a brazen look.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s just further proof we’re better off avoiding each other.”
He looked at you intently, trying to catch your eyes. But you knew if you made eye contact with him, he would know you were lying.
“Are we, Y/N?” His voice was deep and slow, he talked lower than before as if he didn’t want you to hear him.
“What do you mean?”
An awkward silence installed between the two of you before the words left his mouth.
“I meant what I said earlier this morning. It wasn’t because of the handcuffs.”
You felt your heart smile; he meant it, he felt what you felt.
You tiptoed around with your words, thinking about an answer that wouldn’t give away the relief you felt. After all, you haven’t forgiven him yet.
“I meant what I said too, you know. It’s just… Those are only words, Harry.”
He looked quite offended as if he expected a different reaction from you.
“And what? Words mean a lot!”
“Actions mean more.” You settled your tone making him understand that this was not enough to get anything from you, no matter what he was expecting to get from you.
He looked down for a second and then looked up at you.
“You mean like the night you left me and threw all these horrible things at my face?”
You gasped. You were definitely not anticipating this kind of answer. Was that how that night played for him? You leaving him after saying horrible things?
You had to give him your own version of the breakup.
“The night you let me go after I told you, you hurt me.”
He stared at you silently, biting his cheek.
“You told me I was a cheater, a liar, and that I was never good enough for you.”
His words resounded in the room. It was the words you used but in such a different context, you needed him to understand what he did to you. Your throat tightened as you started talking.
“Because I’ve spent nights crying alone when you were out –I don’t know where! Because I would call your phone for hours and never get a call back before I fell asleep! Because…”
You fought hard against your tears, not wanting him to see you break down.
“Because I gave my all in this relationship and I wanted to work things out but you just gave up on us the minute it got harder.”
He drank your words; you could see it in his eyes, his gloomy look, his lips pinched. He was trying to catch all the information you gave him. He furrowed his eyebrows as your last sentence reached his ears. He looked hurt.
“I… I was only working and you know it!”
You tried to speak but he kept going.
“I never wanted anybody else but you! I’ve never even thought about somebody else because you were the only one I could see.”
You could hear the pain in his voice and you could feel your heart bruise from the inside.
“You act like you were perfect in this relationship! You were not!”
He was right. You were never perfect in this relationship but you sure did more for it than he ever did.
“How many times have I put aside important things so I could be there for you? How can you say I gave up on us? I called a million times after you left? I went asked your friends, your family, just to get a piece of you and apologize.”
You were bewildered by his words. He did what now?
You sensed your heart drown and drown, falling deeper as his answer got to your brain.
“What?”
Your stunned look made him confused.
“I’ve spent months trying to reach you and then you were dating that douche again. It’s the moment I gave up. I gave up on getting you back. I never gave up on us.”
You remembered now how this whole thing played out. You hated him so much after that night; you changed everything, from your number to the locks on your door. You didn’t want to see him ever again and in an attempt to soothe your broken heart you went back to your ex. It has been a hard time. And you just couldn’t believe that this whole time Harry actually tried to reach out.
““I… I changed my number when I left and I asked my family not to let you through. So I’ve never received any call, nothing. And I thought you moved on.”
His face was facing the ground but when he spoke again, he stared right into your eyes –almost reaching your soul.
“I didn’t.”
He didn’t move on. He said it. He said he didn’t move on; at least back then. You couldn’t help but wonder –crave for an answer, how he felt now?
“What about now?” You asked softly. “Have you moved on now?”
A giggle fell from his lips. He looked at you with a fond gaze.
“I was crazy in love with you, Y/N. I saw my future with you. I thought I could never love anyone else more than I loved you.”
That warmed your heart but that wasn’t what you needed. You needed more. You needed to know if he still loved you.
“But now? Now you love somebody else? More than you used to love me?”
Your voice cracked just like your heart did at the thought that he could love someone else more than he loved you.
“I don’t know if I love her more than I used to love you. But I’m happy.”
Ouch. The sound of your heart breaking resounded inside your entire body. He was happy; happy with somebody else. You threw your hands in disbelief. And your voice went two octaves higher as it always does when you’re about to cry.
“Are you? Is that why your eyes were screaming when you talked about kissing me? Is that why we keep fighting every time we see each other? Because if you were really over it, would you act like that?”
The truth was; this speech was for you. Your eyes were screaming when he talked about kissing you. If you kept fighting with him and hating him it was only because it’s the closest you could get to him, it’s the closest you could get to love him. You wouldn’t act like this if you were over him; you were never over him.
“Y/N…”
He whispered softly and the mention of your name threw you off; the tears started running down your face.
“I was so in love with you. With every little thing you do, from the way you called my name to the way you kissed me goodnight. I never loved anyone more.”
His eyes were glistening but you couldn’t tell with what. He just left a word out.
“Never?”
You realized it was a rhetorical question. You never loved anyone else. And if he didn’t say he loved you too by now; it just meant it was over.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Harry.”
Your voice was a whisper; it was so hard for you admitting that he moved on when you clearly didn’t.
“Y/N…”
He tried to grab your wrist but you pulled away, feeling his touch would just hurt you more now. You didn’t have anything more to say. Yet, you didn’t want this conversation to end, not because you were a masochist and that you liked being hurt but because you wanted to give him a chance to reciprocate your feelings.
“I guess… I’m just jealous of the way you’re happy without me.”
You just thought of Labrinth’s song out of the blue, it was always one of your favorites and it oddly appeared to be more than relevant in your situation.
You saw Harry smile and giggle. He tilted his head to the side.
“Did you just quote a song?”
You laughed a little bit, trying to release the tension.
“I’m sorry, I ran out of poetic things to say.”
He looked at you. And his face changed. He looked more… like you? Like he felt the same way, like all the words you said to him tonight just reached his brain. He grasped your hand gently and stroked your skin with his thumb; the way he used to when you were together.
“I never stopped loving you.”
His words mended your heart instantly or at least put a few pieces back together.
You looked over at him trying to catch the truth behind his eyes. He pulled his face as close to yours as possible, and whispered,
“I want to kiss you, right now.” His lips were only inches away from yours.
“Kiss me, then.” You whispered back, your breath warming his skin.
He grabbed your jaw and pulled you in for a kiss; his lips softly pressing on yours. You gave in to the kiss, slowly opening your lips like the inside of a rose, soft and fresh; tasting him again and feeling content. You smiled against his lips and that smile turned quickly into a giggle. You pulled away from the kiss.
He looked at you with the endeared look in his eyes and he didn’t even say a word, he just grabbed your face harder and kissed you more intensely. His tongue gently playing with yours while your hands wandered in his hair. You missed kissing him; the way his breath was hot against your skin and the way it felt when he smiled against your lips.
When he detached his lips from yours, he looked stunned and you certainly did too.
“I missed kissing you.” Your voice was low and soft. He smiled at you and pulled you in for another kiss, shorter this time, just to unglue your lips again and whisper against your skin, “I missed it too.”
He lifted you up from the floor and wrapped your legs around his waist.
You were always impressed at his strength not only because he carried you like you weighed nothing but because the way his muscles would clench just reminded you that this man could lift 500 pounds and has been boxing with some of the best trainers in the world.
He carried you all the way to the spare room. It was another room that nobody used and that Jeff kept in case another friend came in late and wanted to settle in.
He pushed the door open with his back and closed it with yours, pushing you against the door and kissing harder. He walked you in his arms up to the bed and threw you on it. It was softer than it seems. You found yourself in the middle of the messed up blue sheets and Harry was on top of you trying to reach your mouth with his.
You took off his shirt, pulling it above his head and he unbuttoned his trousers, making them slide down his strong legs only to reveal that he was not wearing any underwear. You smiled down at him, remembering his tendency to go commando. He looked at you intensely, nibbling his lower lip.
“Kinda want to see you wear my merch while I fuck you.”
His eyes were sparkling with desire looking at your breasts peeking through the white fabric, reading ‘treat people with kindness’.
He gripped your chin and pulled you in for a kiss, making his tongue dance with yours to the sound of your muffled breaths. His lips then slipped to your jaw, trailing the line to your neck. He stayed there a while, nibbling the sensitive skin, biting and sucking it to mark you.
Your hands slithered on his sides, rubbing his skin, his strong back contracting to your touch. You drag your nails slightly against his skin, just to make him shiver against you.
“I fucking missed you.” His voice was muffled as his head was rested in the crook of your neck.
He finally kissed you again on the lips before trailing your body with his hands, grabbing your breasts through your shirt.
You felt his hand press against your panties, his palm rubbing your pussy. He took off your knickers with one hand and threw them on the floor, only to bring his hand back to your cunt and play with it; rubbing your clit with his thumb, pinching your lips together between his index and his thumb, slapping slightly your clit. He then slid two fingers inside your pussy and you clenched around them, moans falling off of your lips. He fingered you gently, bringing his body down to face your pussy.
He kissed it tenderly and started sucking on your clit, slightly biting it.
“Fucking missed your taste.” He moaned against your swollen skin.
He licked you for only a minute. It was not his way to rush the eating out part, it always been his favorite.
“I need to feel you.” He groaned and picked up his trousers from the ground, pulling a condom out of the pocket.
He put it on in a minute. You remembered how he used to struggle with that part until you showed him the technique.
He spat on his fingers and rubbed them against your entrance. He grabbed his cock in one hand and with the other placed your legs up his shoulders.
He slid inside of you.
“F-Fuck.” You saw his eyes rolled and his lips fall open. He was melting into you.
He started thrusting into you slowly, taking his time to fill you up, to make sure you felt every inches of his cock. You felt overwhelmed by the feeling, the rush and the tingling sensation inside your stomach, every time he was balls-deep inside of you. You felt so full. You missed that so much. Only he knew how to properly fill you, how to properly fuck you.
He started pounding harder, getting his face closer to yours.
“I missed you so fucking much.”
His groans made you wetter and you couldn’t help but clench every time you heard his raspy voice whisper filthy words.
“Missed fucking you. Missed your fucking little cunt.”
You scratched his back and wrapped your legs around his waist to pull him deeper inside of you. You muffled your moans inside his neck, and he kept groaning in your ear.
“Your perfect pussy.”
You knew he was about to come, you could feel him pulse inside of you, his pace fastened up.
“Fuck. I love you so much Y/N!”
You wanted to scream. You felt in heaven and you wanted to feel him completely.
“Come inside of me, please!”
Your whisper sent him. He gripped your hair harder and pounded into you again.
“Fuck…”
You felt his cum filling you up; warming your guts and making you feel content.
He collapsed on top of you; his head buried in your neck, kissing the soft spots. He stayed there for a few minutes before you rolled over him, getting on top of him. You straddled on him, rubbing yourself against his cock.
His hands were resting on your hips, helping you getting more pressure every time you rubbed your pussy against him. He was deciding your pace with his hands. They slipped from your hips to rest on your ass, perfectly cupping it. He grabbed it hard, guiding you as you rubbed your pussy harder on him.
You felt his cock hardened against you. A whimper fell from your lips and you grasped it to make it enter your warm and wet cunt again.
He moaned when you sat on his cock, your walls stretching around him. You started riding him gently, your hands resting on his chest, caressing him.
“Fuck. I love when you’re fucking me like that. It feels so fucking good.”
His voice was raspy and deep and it only made you wetter. You started riding faster, jumping and bouncing on him.
“You like that?”
You knew how much he loved when you asked him that, especially when you were on top. He spanked your ass hard, his rings clapping against your warm skin and the stinging sensation making you appreciate the pleasure even more.
“Fuck yes. Keep riding my cock like that.”
He spanked you harder; making you squeal, your pace getting less steady.
“Do you want me to cum for you?”
His grip on your ass intensified and you started bouncing harder, riding longer, until your hips hurt.
“Fuck. Come on my cock. I wanna feel you drip on me.”
You felt your stomach knot and released itself in a minute, you rolled your eyes, your toes curled, and you gripped the sheets so hard, you might have ripped them. You threw your head back and in a last move, you felt the burning turmoil inside of you discharge.
“Fuck Harry! Harry!”
You screamed so loud, Harry had to cover your mouth with his hand, in order to keep you from waking everybody up.
“Fuck you’re so fucking good.”
He moaned before grabbing your hips hard and lifting them up just a little bit so that he could thrust into you as hard as he could a last time before coming inside of you again. You felt your cum –his and yours, drip on your inner thighs. Your legs were shaking and you put all your weight on him, your body resting on top of his.
You slid next to him and laid, still trembling; your eyes shut and your mouth ajar. You took a deep breath and you felt his arms wrapping around you. It was not his kind to be the big spoon but he just tightened his embrace when he felt you shivered against his skin.
“I missed you.” He murmured in the crook of your neck, leaving a sloppy kiss in the sensitive spot he bit earlier. You kissed his fingertips and whispered against his skin, “I missed you too.”
He kissed your forehead and you drifted away to sleep in his arms.
When you woke up in the morning you were sleeping on the other side of the bed, you probably got out of his embrace during the night when you needed more space.
You pulled out your fist and yawned. When you looked around you and you saw him, you felt dazed for a moment, remembering your night together than the realization struck you; your girlfriend was sleeping in the room next door.
You felt horribly guilty. You always said you would never cheat no matter the situation and now you were about to break the heart of an amazing woman who only brought good in your life. You felt disgusted by yourself.
You decided to get out of the bed before Harry woke up so that you could take a shower and try to think things through.
You couldn’t believe what happened last night. It must’ve been a dream. You felt wrong –because you knew it would hurt Danny, but at the same time it felt right –because you knew it was what you wanted. You just needed time to process it.
You decided to talk to Harry about it first but when you came back to the room after your shower, he was nowhere to be seen. Did you stayed so long in the shower? He had to go to another room? Or did he just leave?
You looked over at the clock; you spent 45 minutes in the shower, a long time but still, you couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t wait.
You went down in the kitchen and saw everyone happily sitting at wooden table, chatting, laughing and eating. It hit you in the face; Harry was sitting next to Rosie chuckling and eating strawberries from the same bowl. You felt so stupid, so used. You looked over at him again and when his eyes met yours, tears started filling your eyes. You just left the kitchen.
You locked yourself in the bathroom and took a deep breath. You looked at yourself in the mirror. “You’re too cute to cry.” You wiped away your tears and got out.
You made your way back to the kitchen and sat down next to Danny.
“Is everything okay, honey?” She asked you with worry in her voice.
“Yes. Everything’s good.” You spout out.
“Where were you last night?” Danny was stroking your hand, the same way Harry did and it made you ache.
“I fell asleep on the couch.”
You looked over at Harry again and caught him staring at you. You couldn’t believe he was actually pretending like nothing happened, like the two of you didn’t make love all night and fell asleep in each other’s arms, like he didn’t say he missed you and moaned ‘I love you’ in your ear.
It just broke your heart furthermore. Was he really happy without you?