#idkwhatiwrote

[orientalbohochick]

It is okay to show that you are sad, vulnerable, angry and depressed.

It is also okay to be cheesy, sappy, and caring.

Don’t limit your emotional range to that of a teaspoon. 

Be the steaming cup of tea that fogs up people’s glasses

Sometimes plain, 

Sometimes with the added sugar and milk

The tea eventually runs cold

But don’t stop there

Add a bit cube and iced tea there you go.

Don’t worry about the tea stains,

Instead, focus on serendipi-tea 

[eunicehparkk]

Passion Week-Morning Prayer

If I were to look at this week on the surface level, I think I would say that it was the pretty dysfunctional and crappy. I slept maybe 3 hours every night (except last night), fell asleep in most of my classes, missed a lecture that cost me points from my grade, had (& still have) a lot of work to do that I did last minute, got annoyed at a friend and just wallowed in this irritation by myself because I didn’t want to verbalize it, and shamefully sat in front of my discussion class and did not say a word just because I couldn’t get my voice to come out of my body.

So on the surface, it was a terrible week. 

But it’s so interesting because everything was going wrong but it all felt okay. I think I was just so in awe of God’s love for us that it didn’t really hit me that my week wasn’t so great until yesterday. 

I am still so aifsdjlkaiowawelr about all of this. Is this even real life? 

Jesus CHOSE to give up his life for us. 

He wants to help us know him and have faith in him. 

Jesus loves us to the end. He doesn’t try to save himself or self preserve. He shamelessly loves us only asking for our imperfect love in return. He loves so selflessly.

It’s really so simple. Jesus paved the way for us. Yet I keep straying thinking there’s something better. And even through that, Jesus steers me back. 

This is all so crazy. I feel like it’s been a progress of learning about God. A super super SUUPERRRRR slow journey and I know this isn’t the end and I still don’t understand it but woah. 

[amblunt-blog]

i’d rather live in dreams

I have a book of unfinished sketches.

 Starting from when I was thirteen probably? I'm not so sure but I have them right here with me, unfinished and untouched for years. I have books. Books that i've never even opened, books that i've glanced at and said 'i'll read it later' and now is later. They're still unread. I have many ideas. That eventually just disappear from my mind simply because I never wrote about it, or drew it, or submerge my soul into something that I can't leave until it's at a point that i'm truly satisfied with. I've never been truly satisfied with my own work, sociability, appearance, the relationships of new people I meet (industry related/non industry), and just anything I do myself really. I act on impulse. Which in some cases have helped me. Others, not so much. ‘Acting’ on impulse for me is more like getting distracted easily by something that isn’t necessarily priority at the moment. I mean, I never really was ever good at anything I tried. Even this post, I’m not writing this very well right now because there’s so many things I need to say and i’m thinking of the grammar errors, or I don’t want to say to much. When you say too much people start to think you’re crazy. I might just be, but who isn’t really? Some of the best ideas and thoughts sound the craziest, but it’s still hard for me to understand that. Comprehension, another thing I wasn’t too good at. Which is strange because I understand most things very well or find a way to relate. But comprehension is much different for me at this time in my life. I feel like its much more difficult. When my mind is clouded music is the only thing that seems to put my thoughts in balance. Comprehending the lyrics, sinking into the melody, escaping with the song. It all just feels right for once. I never really tried to play music as a hobby because my family thought it would make too much of a disturbance. When they’re really the ones that are disturbing. Also for some reason I thought I just wasn’t naturally musically inclined so I never really tried. Anyway, to end this part of the ramble i’m starting goals and committing myself to my drawings,paintings, writing, reading, editing and we’ll see what kind of musical hobby I can get better at. Improving at all sorts of work and hobbies are one thing, but bettering myself as an individual is something I feel i’m going to be fighting with the rest of my life. My social skills are horrendous. I feel like it’s tough for me to make new friends in new environments. For example, I worked on a movie and met people but most times when i’d talk to people to socialize I just get so nervous and my mind gets jumbled up. Thats how it is usually when I first meet people. Then if they decide to give me a chance and make friends with me I start to be myself. (By the way those people that do befriend me are some of my favorite people now) Its not like i’m trying to act this way but I guess my problem is that I don’t want to seem awkward and troubled so I try not to and it all just ends up being a mess afterward. Unless, its that one person you just click with. Now those are people I love to keep around in my life because they’re rare to come by. Its strange for me to experience that since most of my encounters socializing with people are things I try to brush off my shoulder. Which I do. But those people that just have some sort of chemistry with your vibe are not something I can just forget about. I’ve told myself I wasn’t going to write about this on here but who fucking cares. Months ago I met one of those ecstatic people. My expectations were nothing I thought they were going to be, and I even thought to myself “this is going to be another one of those forced conversations that I want to run away from”. Conversation was consistent. No awkward silences. Every time i’d see him I felt so excited and open to talk to him about anything. And we did. After a few times I started to catch on to the mutual feelings and I thought to myself “wow this is fucking great”. I came to the realization that 1. I liked someone for once 2. He liked me too. I’m not so sure why I let this person in so quickly but for some reason it felt okay. I showed all the music I know to him. I played most of my favorite songs while we were together. Which is strange because when I play my music for other people its stuff I know they listen to. But for some reason I felt okay with showing him **my **music. The music I listen to day in and day out. The music I zone out to. The music I cried to. The music that kept me up and going throughout my day. The music i’d trip out way too hard on. The music where i’ve had other memories. The music I used to escape. Not only did I just show him, but he listened. So things were going good for a little while. It was towards the end of the build for the movie I worked on. I was busy as hell. Most days before I met him I wouldn’t bother getting back to his messages. Mainly because I was exhausted and at the time I thought I didn’t want to deal with some guy that thinks that they want to get to know me. Obviously I was wrong but you can’t blame me for a girl who’s been fucked over and talked to nicely before. Anyway, back to after meeting him for a handful of times it seemed to just get better each time I saw him. I’d catch myself smiling ridiculously. I’d space out a lot just replaying moments intimacy. And sending him songs to listen to throughout the day. He became such a wonderful distraction. Then I left twelve hours away to northern California. As I quietly expected, I knew things would change. Over 4 weeks time. I’m not so sure what it is at all. Or if it was ever really anything. And that’s okay, things change,people change and shit happens. What’s killing me is not knowing. Maybe we just acted on impulse. Maybe it was only for that short amount of time. Maybe I helped you get over something else. All I know is that I wasn’t ready for it to end so soon, whatever it was. I know writing this helped me. I know I’m going to have to keep my focus on many other things so I don’t stay stuck on you. I know knowing whats up would help me. All I can really hope for is a maintained friendship. But really, all you got is yourself in the end so even without the answers, if there is any, I just can’t be my worst enemy. 

[sea-dated]

December 31, 2014 Wednesday 10:24 pm

When I hear the fireworks through my screen window thats blowing away strong sent of cigarettes in my room, all I can imagine is all the shit that this  year has given me flying up into the sky and exploding. It's letting me know that it's over. All the court dates, all the hospital beds, all of the cuts, all of the cigarette butts in my window, and all the shock is over. But my pessimistic mind won't let me fully hear this. It is constantly interrupting with "buts" consistently cutting off the pleasant thoughts and bringing me back to what I think is my realistic mind speaking. That yeah, you got through preliminary court date, but what about the actual trial, where yes, you'll have to see your dad again, and probably for the last time in your life. And in that date that is in the future year, you will have to rewind into those horrible times, and describe them vividly to strangers silent stares as they try to figure out who they think is the good guy and who is the bad guy. Then there's the bright pink explosion in the sky, that I see as my time in Belmont. Yes you're no longer inpatient, but what if you fuck up and cut because you don't want to face the fears of your nightmares when you fall asleep, or if you just don't know how to cope, with the smallest things in your life. Like school. Yes you may think it's over because you haven't attended a day of it in month, but you still have over a year to get out of high school. All of the problems seem to have disappeared ever since I heard that first firecracker. These false hopes of having a better year because you "deserve one" and becoming the person you want to be because it's a new mark on a calendar are ridiculous. Maybe I get it in a sense as to congratulate everyone for getting through the year, but definatley not to mark the start of a new one. Your problems are still going to be there when the clock changes from 11:59 pm to 12:00 am while everyone in the year counts down to ten. The people who started off this year in your life, but are no longer in it are not just magically repair because all of the shit is untangled in your relationship. The only thing that changes is the date. The goals that seem so promising to you right now will slowly fade as everyday takes a little piece of motivation away from them. Kissing someone at 12:00 doesn't mean that you're going to meet the love of your life this year or have a bunch of random cute dates, and not having a new years kiss doesn't mean that you're going to be alone forever. None of this matters. The fireworks don't mean anything. The kisses don't mean anything. And the fun drunk or high moments in these last few hours of 2014, don't mean anything, especially since most of you probably won't remember them when you wake up in the morning. I'm going to have a cigarette and go to sleep because I don't care. See you next year, assholes.