I DON'T HAVE A PLAN
Way back when I was in high school, I had a lot of things I wanted to do
It was easy to dream and look forward to the future.
My escape at that time was to write a story that was nice unlike mine.
I am always overthinking and finding love elsewhere.
Always putting myself down and being judged for not being "enough."
What was that even mean?
At that time, I was unaware that other people's voices were slowly getting into my head.
"Why don't you have a job?"
"You should have known what you wanted in life after you graduated from college."
"Why don't you look for a job already?"
Whatever achievement I received, whatever accomplishments, I could not celebrate it.
I graduated from grade school, and high school, and eventually, I got my Bachelor's degree.
Yes, maybe, I'll smile but it was not genuine happiness.
Because there were always voices who would say otherwise.
Deep in my heart, I knew what I wanted to do. But I buried my dreams because I needed to step up.
I needed to be enough in front of the people who have achieved something in their lives.
I needed to have a "job" because, at this point in my age, many people have achieved great things already.
Those voices affected the way I view myself.
I needed to apply for a job and buried my dreams.
Little did I know, eventually, it would take a toll on me.
I was able to complete my studies. And if I could, I would study again because I was young when I graduated college. I was only 19 at that time.
But the expectations of people, I was not aware that I was hating myself.
I was not happy with the person I was becoming.
If I did not get the result I wanted, I would punish myself and tell myself that I was an idiot.
I used to have a plan. When I get to this point in my age, I should have accomplished this and that.
What happened to my plan? It goes down the drain.
And now, I'm stuck.
Why?
Because I was living for someone else.
I forgot to live for myself.
I forgot to enjoy the little things that made me happy.
Whenever I was able to have a new pen or a notebook when the new school year started.
To have a new pair of shoes for school.
To received a gift from my mom.
Late night snacks with my ate. And watching our favorite animated film.
A weekend family dinner.
I forgot to enjoy the little things.
I forgot to be happy.
I was in "survival mode" for as long as I can remember.
I am still finding myself. Because I've lost her.
She was broken by the opinions of others who told her that she had to be someone else or something else.
To have a "title" so people will talk to her. So people will have an interest in talking to her.
So, I'll say this now... I don't have a plan.
And I think that's okay.
I just want to live one day at a time.
Maybe, who knows, one day, she will find her young self and say...
"You don't have to believe them. Just believe in yourself. Because I believe in you."