I Dream of Thinking of You - <3
I catch myself looking forward to dreaming. Because without anything, I know I'll be dreaming of you. I still listen to the playlist you made for me all those years ago. I listen to all the music you gave me as an extension of your love. The way you read into my soul touched me in more ways than I could realize.
The songs you talked to me about playing at our wedding. I refuse to skip them now. I've become unbearable to some people due to the mood-killing I can do. Just so I can take a moment and think about you.
I still think about you in everything I do. Regardless of who I'm with, I still expect to turn around and see you smiling there right behind me. The things I would do to listen to the playlist with you. Just to sit and talk with you in the car again, the way we used to. To trace your hands after a long day of work, like I could cure any source of pain. Seeing your eyes soften as we both smile at each other with the most intense and unraveling feeling. Our vulnerabilities spill out so easily with any fleeting thought we catch in the moment. Both of us are so comfortable with the other; the only limits in that moment are our minds.
I'm told to find my safe space; the moment I close my eyes and try to imagine where I feel the safest. I see you. I see your arms opened wide and your half-disappointed smile. All I see is you. I hear you in all of the music I listen to, new or old. I want to show you everything; I so desperately want to experience life for the first time with you. Your hand is the one I want to hold as we go down unwritten paths.
We sit, and we talk about how souls are meant for each other. How we both believe they're real. How we've seen the connections. As we sit and talk, the tug towards you yanks me like no other. It feels like every atom within my range is pushing me one inch closer to you. Just a little bit. Just enough. Just to feel you one more time. At night when I can't sleep I find myself going back and replaying the voice messages you sent me. Your honey voice calling me all the pet names you used to lifts me up and slams me right back down enough it does the trick. If I can close my eyes and pretend I'm talking to you on a normal basis again, I'll do it every day if I must. I see your old cologne bottles, and I huff them like paint. I pray for me to "stumble" upon some of your things that could possibly have a lingering smell. I've caught myself buying your shampoo and deodorant just so I can still smell like you. You saw me. You saw me. No other soul has looked at me the way you have. You saw all of me, welcomed me with open arms, and helped me to spread my wings.
I hope to any higher power that someday I can sleep in your arms again. Even if it is just one more time. Please.