the long version story of my voices.
there are voices in my head they never leave me aone, those voices were made inside of my head to keep telling me
stop
stop
you will lose
you will fail
you will not reach this
you will be miserable again
and “ i can do it “ is a joke to me
7 years ago I was in my senior year in high school
i was terrified because my house was about to be torn down.
I stayed at my cousin’s and i was so afraid.
Then I felt nothing and so I decided that I will not feel anything else, I became numb, I talked so much and I did nothing, I fell in love with a ghost and got heartbroken by a ghost and since then i lost interest in anything ,i even didn’t take the exams in my seniority year, i lost respect to the people i loved the most, I was out there with no friends and none and i refused every helping hands even from him , I lied and i did nothing , i was compared and under-estimated not only from the people around me , it was all from myself, that left me numb again, i just couldn’t wish them to go to hell or i didn’t let myself feel anything, i wasn’t even jealous, i was back there one of the smartest girls in the school and now I’m a dumb loser.
school days ended, and I entered MSA university, for the first semester i didn’t fail but i was about to, i dropped courses that affected my graduation year and i was afraid because alot of stuff, the 2nd semester was my beginning, i started believing in myself a little more, i passed four courses and then another four courses then five courses ,then another five and after that I lost my father but surprisingly i passed the semester and then i passed another five and then I failed a course last semester and now here I’m postponing my graduation project because i’m not ready mentally or anything.
and then the voices kept telling me “ you won’t do it”
“you can’t do it “
“ you will take longer than you think”
“you will not pass”
“ you will remain the same failure”
“he/she is way better than you “
“ you deserve to feel this way”
and suddenly a voice told me that the girl who didn’t enter the fucking exams 6 years ago did it because she didn’t believe in herself , and the only thing that was between her and the person she always wanted to be is hard work and hard work only and the only reason she didn't work hard because the whispered “ even if you worked hard, you won’t do it” and she believed it, she was not ready and here I’m six years later telling the 17 version of me that it wasn’t her fault, it was the voices’ and the voices are evil and maybe being screwed was for a reason.
now I'm a CS late senior - not sure if this is a thing - who’s afraid of code , terrified of it , the voices told me “ you don’t have any power to be good in this “, “ you’ve no logic” , “this is for better people “ , ‘you suck” and i once wrote a c++ line of code cout-ing “ i suck”.
that’s how the voices are evil to me, so i decided that i will do everything in my power to break one of my biggest insecurities EVER that i “ will never be successful “ by following a personal roadmap and work on my coding skills and beating up those voices day after day.
and some-day, i will create an AI model to tell me when I’m down that i rock.
