November 22nd, 2018
Journal
I’d handwrite this all out but it’d take too long and my handwriting is atrocious.
I haven’t written in a journal in.. I don’t know, seven years? I think I was still dating Jeremy at the time.
I’ve been drinking tonight, a little, hence the feelings to follow.
I’m living just outside of Portland, Oregon currently – in Milwaukie. I moved from Oklahoma City, where I lived for just over two years. I live with Shana. The fourteen-year difference between us is, put simply, difficult for me right now. I feel like I’m living with a parent as opposed to a sister. Instead of feeling at ease, and comfortable, and honest, I feel on edge because I feel like I’m being judged at all times. I feel like I’m living to please her and make her happy and proud instead of doing so for myself. I understand that because of our childhood we constantly seek security because we had none – but I still want to seek happiness. I still want to feel happiness. Not just seek and feel what “I’m supposed to do”. I hate being outside of my comfort zone, but that’s exactly where I need to be. Force myself out of where I am comfortable, and what I accept.
I’ve been so angry lately. Extra irritable, short tempered, unforgiving. I know it’s because of how I’m unhappy with myself in ways, but there’s more to it. I know I’m taking a lot out on Shana because she’s all I have to be close to here. Literally and figuratively. My best friend is 26 miles away, but all we have is weekends, when they have time, with their kids. I’m so lonely.
I’m so fucking lonely and I fucking hate saying that and having to admit it because I feel weak when I do. I know it doesn’t make me weak to feel, and to feel alone – but I’ve been given such a reputation as being strong and independent that I feel that I can’t be honest about my more sensitive feelings. It comes as such a shock to everyone when I vocalize it and it makes me feel alien and inferior.
To reference a tv show I’ve watched recently: “being human and being hurt are the same damn thing.”
À la prochaine,
-B