Letters to myself: Letter 4
I wanna rip my skin off. Slowly feel the tug. I feel terrible. I always feel fucken terrible now. This whole thing that's happening is honestly opening up a can of worms. Its no longer just about him and his absence. Its everything. I'm overthinking everything. Things I've been mentally and emotionally avoiding for ages now. This whole thing ended up being a whole Pandora box of fucken trouble. How can he not know that? Or maybe he does, he just doesn't care...im not sure. Id hate to think that was the case, but then again, everything about him lately comes as no surprise. I'm not sure I recognize him anymore. SINCE WHEN DOES HE LIKE BLONDES WITH CAKED ON MAKEUP. But whatever. I've been trying to take this day by day. Surrounding myself with people. But I seriously hate everyone. No one can tell me anything comforting, because I don't believe it. No one knows that I'm panicking inside. And no one knows how to control it, or control me. It makes normal activities very hard to do. And I'm trying...I really am. I have successfully made new social media accounts and got rid of all my old ones. Which is huge for me, given I couldn't even bring myself to block him. On anything. Sooo id consider that bold move on my part a very big victory. I'm not trying to suffer, people need to understand that. I'm not trying to drown myself in this. I'm actually trying to move past it. I love him, always will. He was my best friend. I think I'm more upset at that than anything. Him as a partner probably wasn't the best at times, but he WAS my best friend. My goofball. He was so open sometimes and silly, id never had a feeling like that with someone. To be so OPEN and RAW, and unapologetically honest. It was insane. Even till now I cant believe me and him got to that point. It was beautiful, something I hope, with time, will happen again...I wouldn't want it with anyone else. Well today is a decent day, aside from feeling like a fucken zombie. I've been trying to put myself out there artistically. A friend of mine has asked me if id be interested in being photographed. I'm honestly excited and very nervous. Its a female photographer/artist friend of mine, so it makes it a little easier. Plus, ill booze up for the extra courage. I'm going to need a lot of booze...