Ignis Scientia’s (Essential) Guide to the Perfect Afternoon Tea (Part Two)
You may have noticed that in part one, I did not cover tea itself. That is because tea deserves an entry of its very own.
There are many variety of teas, many of which are suitable to serve to your afternoon tea guests. There are some which are wholly unsuitable, too. Be sure to serve tea. Herbal tea is not tea - it is an infusion or tisane. True tea comes only from the Camellia Sinensis plant and one of the defining differences between true tea and herbal tea is caffeine.
“But Mr Scientia,” I hear you say. “What makes you an authority on tea when your love of coffee is of near legendary proportions?” Indeed, coffee is my beverage of choice, but there is always a time and a place for tea. Coffee is rich and bold, a robust drink which is perfect for invigorating the spirits. Tea, on the other hand, is far more subtle. Delicate, one might say, and perfect for imbibing with dainty little sandwiches.
What kind of tea to serve, then? There are those who will swear up and down that the only acceptable tea to serve is Assam. It is a light and flavourful tea, but not so overpowering that it inhibits the enjoyment of savoury or sweet treats. If you prefer your tea with milk and sugar, then Assam is the ideal option. However, there are those who will swear up and down that the only acceptable tea to serve is Darjeeling. The arguments for Darjeeling are compelling - there is more of a choice. For example, first flush leaves or second, each having a distinct difference in taste and aroma. First flush leaves have a floral quality and are reminiscent of green tea. Second flush leaves are of a more fruity nature, and works particularly well when paired with chocolate treats.
For all my attention to convention and protocol, I must confess that tea is where I tend to deviate from custom. My personal preference is for Earl Grey. The natural sweetness of the leaves are greatly enhanced by bergamot, making it simply exquisite throughout all afternoon tea courses. Depending upon the sandwiches you serve, you may wish to serve either Assam or Darjeeling with the savouries and then Earl Grey with the sweets. Remember that the best way to serve Earl Grey is without milk.
There are some teas which should be avoided during afternoon tea. Mint, for example, while quite delicious will taint the palate and diminish enjoyment of the food. I would also recommend avoiding a smoked black tea, such as Lapsang Souchong as, again, the flavour of the tea can dominate. Should your guests have an intolerance for caffeine (see also: vegan guests), then you could offer chamomile tea, but given that it possesses the approximate taste of cut grass steeped in a dirty puddle, I would not recommend it.
Tea is subjective and note should be taken of the sandwich fillings and types of cakes being served when making your choices. The most gracious host will, of course, take into account the preferences and desires of their guests. There is nothing at all to be lost by offering your guests a variety of options and letting them decide.
The Ignis Scientia Guide to the Kitchen (Part One)
(Or What Not to Buy your Friends*)
(* unless you hate them)
As anyone who has ever shown even the remotest interest in cooking will know, it becomes the ultimate in fall-back gifts when someone cannot think of anything better. Birthdays, special occasions, religious holidays and any other time when gifts are given become a time when your kitchen collection will grow with whimsical, kitschy and oft-times useless kitchen implements. Although these are intended to aid you in your cooking endeavours, more often than not, these things serve no other purpose than cluttering up your drawers and cupboards.
Here is my guide to the impractical and pointless kitchen items I have received over the years.
1. The Banana Slicer
Everybody knows that of all the fruits, bananas are the most difficult to slice. Have you ever tried to get a knife through a banana? Impossible! As it happens, the one true method of slicing a banana is with yellow plastic. What is most incredible about this particular tool is that no matter how big or small your banana is, or how severe the curve, this banana slicer will cut through it every time. NOT.
Useless.
2. The Egg Slicer
Why so many slicers? This is barely the tip of the iceberg - you can also get slicers for strawberries, avocados, tomatoes, potatoes, all differently shaped and proportioned. Put the slicer down and pick up a knife! It really is not that difficult to cut evenly sized slices.
3. The Pickle Plucker
In order to properly operate the pickle plucker, one must have fingers and a thumb. You know what also works for plucking pickles? Fingers and a thumb. But should you prefer to not have your skin smelling of pickle juice, there are pre-existing tools which work just as well. A for or a spoon will suffice instead of taking up valuable drawer space with such a needless gadget.
4. The RoboStir
The type of person who bestows this monstrosity on anyone is the type of person who habitually finds themselves awake in the middle of the night, watching infomercials. A lack of sleep directly correlates to making poor decisions, such as thinking a friend would benefit from a robotic stirrer. Please, do not be that person. Turn off the television and read a book instead.
5. The Egg Cracker
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Can you even imagine the room this would take up in your drawer? All for the sake of cracking an egg? This is, quite possibly, the most absurd piece of kitchen tat I have ever had the misfortune to see. It would take you longer to grab the thing and then clean it afterwards than would make the use of it worthwhile.
Thus concludes my guide to useless things around the kitchen. As you can see, I have neglected to mention Prince Noctis because, while he is indeed useless in the kitchen, he is not a gadget, therefore not appropriate to this article.
As requested by @croweoftheglaive and @captaindrautos
Ignis Scientia’s (Essential) Guide to the Perfect Afternoon Tea
Inspired by conversation with my good friend, Ms Altius, I have decided to put together this guide to the intricacies of afternoon tea. “But, Mr Scientia,” I hear you say. “What can possibly be so intricate about some tea and a couple of sandwiches?” My response is: if you have to ask, then you most certainly require this guide.
The convivial tradition of afternoon tea is one of the true hallmarks of civility. It is what separates us from the beasts. It is not lunch, nor is it dinner; it is served mid-afternoon and, preferably, in the parlour. If you are not fortunate enough to have a parlour, then the sitting room will suffice.
Besides the location, are many other important aspects to the perfect afternoon tea, and I shall address each.
Presentation
Before I get into the actual tea and treats, I shall first of all cover the table settings. The optimal tea service is fine bone china with a delicate floral pattern. There has emerged a recent trend for having mismatched items. While this is undoubtedly quirky, there is no place for quirkiness in afternoon tea - not with the service and not with the food. But more on that later.
Cups, saucers, tea plates, tea pot, milk jug and sugar bowl should all match. If you are unable to achieve this, I suggest postponing your afternoon tea until such a time when you do have a matching service. If you really must proceed, then I recommend paying as much attention to all of the other details so as to distract your guests from the ghastliness of your service.
A three-tiered food stand is essential. Depending upon the number of guests you plan to invite, you may require two stands. Under no circumstances should you serve any portion of your afternoon tea on a dinner plate. Beg, borrow or steal if you must, but always use a food - or cake - stand.
Never serve afternoon tea on a bare tabletop. The table should be covered by either a pristine white tablecloth, or a white lace tablecloth. Take care to not place any of your service over an ironed-in fold as this may impact stability and result in an unfortunate spillage.
Food
There is a particular consumption order of the food to which you absolutely must adhere. The order is: sandwiches (savoury), scones (neutral) and, finally, cakes (sweet). Do not deviate from this order and discourage such instances from your guests. While it may be tempting to delve immediately into the sweets, any attempts to do so should be met with the sternest of looks. You may have to resort to tutting and shaking your head in admonishment.
Sandwiches. Not pigs in blankets, not miniature quiches, not bruschetta, not tartlettes; sandwiches are served at afternoon tea. Dainty little finger sandwiches which can be consumed in just a few bites. At a push, a very small bread roll is acceptable, but this is wholly contingent upon its filling.
There are certain sandwich fillings that ought to feature, otherwise you may as well give up any pretence of civility and just throw a chimpanzee’s tea party. The key element of your sandwich selection is balance between the flavours. The classic fillings are butter with thinly sliced cucumber, egg with mayonnaise, either roast beef or ham topped with a thin spreading of mustard, and cream cheese with smoked salmon. Should there be a vegetarian amongst your guests, you may wish to consider your friendship. Alternatively, if you are fond of your vegetarian guest, you could serve cheese and pickle, or perhaps brie and apple sandwiches. If you have a vegan guest, then surrender all hope of ever hosting the perfect afternoon tea.
Scones are the most iconic component of afternoon tea, and also the simplest. Yet that does not mean there are no pitfalls. Scones should be served warm, allowing one - or two if the scones are small - per guest. The only acceptable accompaniment to scones are jam - preferably strawberry and home-made - and clotted cream. Raspberry jam is acceptable but nothing else. For instance, I recently heard of someone who put honey on their scone. Honey! Should any of your guests commit such a heinous act, I strongly recommend ejecting them post haste and blacklisting them from future gatherings.
When it comes to eating your scone, scoop some clotted cream onto your plate and place the spoon back into the cream dish. Then scoop some strawberry jam onto your plate and place the spoon back into the jam dish. Never cross-contaminate and never dip your own knife or spoon into either the cream or jam dishes. Split your scone into bite sized pieces and spread on some cream, then jam, and then eat. Do not split your scone open, slather each side with jam and cream and sandwich it together. That is vulgar.
Debates about the quintessential cakes to serve at afternoon tea could rage on for eternity, however enlightened minds are in agreement that cakes should not be messy nor difficult to eat. Keep your cheesecakes for family dinners and mousses for your child’s lunchbox. Equally, traybakes must also be avoided. Individual victoria sponges, eclairs, macarons, florentines, madelines and chocolate-coated teacakes are all excellent choices. Whatever cakes you choose, be sure to bake them yourself. Store-bought cakes are easily identified and will taint your credibility for evermore.
Ambiance
Guests should be smartly dressed. If anyone attends wearing jeans and sneakers, eject them immediately. While a morning suit is unnecessary, gentlemen should wear neatly pressed pants and a shirt at the very least. Feel free to award bonus points if a tie is worn. Ladies can usually be relied upon to make more of an effort. A tea dress is splendid.
If you have the wherewithal to facilitate it, any musical accompaniment should be provided by a string quartet. Where this is not possible, pre-recorded music is acceptable. The music should be light and pleasant, but not overpowering. Where the strings of a violin stirs the senses, the strings of an electric guitar is altogether more jarring. Remember that your guests will wish to engage in polite conversation over their tea and scones.
I hope this guide has answered many of your questions, but if you do have any further enquiries, please feel free to contact me at my email address. I shall answer to the best of my abilities.
In drawing this guide to a close, I shall finish off with a small list of key points to bear in mind when hosting the perfect afternoon tea. I shall also thank you for reading and wish you the very best of luck in your hosting endeavours.
No forks - knife and teaspoon only. If food has to be eaten with a fork, it has no place at an afternoon tea.
Scones should be round, never triangle.
There should be no garnish on the sandwiches. Do not load on the salad leaves and parsley. If you absolutely must decorate, a few scattered sprigs of cress will suffice.
No cupcakes. Cupcakes are for children’s birthday parties, not afternoon tea.
Milk or lemon; never both.
When stirring tea, one must endeavour to never allow the spoon to clink against the sides of the cup. Agitate the tea rather than stirring it.
