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Pardon my rant...but I need to get something off my chest that’s been on my mind. Feel free to ignore this, or read it, whichever, I don’t care. First off, I want to point out that I don’t understand when people hold mistakes you’ve made in the past over your head and use that against you in future arguments of the like and/or treat you differently from before. Trust me, the person you’re judging with those mistakes, is paying for it in their own way. Internally. It’s like...those mistakes now define you as a ‘bad person’ from others perspectives. Is there no room for learning from those mistakes?? I bring this up, because there are various people in my life holding my past mistakes over me and frankly it’s only making me feel worse about myself. It’s made me think quite a lot these last few weeks. I get that I’ve had my fair share of fucks up. I will continue to fuck up, but I’m learning from my experiences. I’m human. I can’t make it up to anyone with a ‘sorry I did this or that’, so how do I handle it? By beating myself up mentally and emotionally? That’s what I do. I can’t go back and fix what I did, I understand that. I can’t excuse what I’ve done and call it good. Believe me, I’m paying for these things in my own ways, so I don’t want people adding to it. I don’t need the people I trust, to treat me differently than they did before. It hurts me greatly to know that this reason is keeping me from talking to those I want to talk to about what I’ve been feeling, what I need to get off my chest, yet I don’t get that opportunity and it just..hurts. I have so many questions I don’t have answers to and I feel bad for even trying to talk to anyone about them. I’m not my mistakes. I DO love myself, that hasn’t changed, but I hate the choices I’ve made through my life. I’ve hurt people, good people. Part of me thinks I deserve a lot of the shit I get, so I take it and grit my teeth. It’s hard to explain... Part of me feels like I don’t deserve some of the good people in my life because I feel like I’m a toxic person. I don’t doubt I am to some degree and I don’t blame some of the people in my life for leaving or treating me a bit differently. I just hope to the people I’ve hurt, and you know who you are, that I can make it up to those affected by my mistakes. I only ask, please don’t treat me any differently because it’s killing me inside to know that my relationships with others is just awkward and everything OTL so I blame myself a lot..part of me just wants to make it up to you in time. Don’t know where I was going with this post, but it seems this is the only way to get anything out of my head.

#jinblabs #sleepyjin #ignore yo

Honestly, to those who messaged me yesterday, I appreciate all of you so so so much. It helps me a lot.

I worry way way too much about everything in my life right now. My relationship. My college, and my future. It’s all very scary. I’m so afraid I’ll fail with all three of those. But the first one, not so much. Even though I’m still uncomfortable with them, I know it will work out, and I feel a little better whenever he looks at me and walks me to my classes. Like, he tries to walk me to every single class, it’s so nice.

#ignore yo #chronicle

I wanted to be your person but I know I cant and I'll get over it but please don't rub it in my face that your friendship with {insert their bitch ass name} is better than our friendship, I wanted to be your person...

#personal #ignore yo