#sleepyjin

[jintaru]

Gods I’ve been so...depressed/exhausted today, even with a full night’s rest. Is it the rain or something, because when it rains, I crash hard core.

[jintaru]

I’ve not slept since 4pm yesterday, why do I do thiiiiiiis Bright side: I got 3 days off AND I got my hair tamed again, so worth it ;u; But for real my adrenaline is dying and so am I

[jintaru]

I will do anything to not be in a horrible mood. If it means playing an exciting game for hours, then my happy ass will do just that. I don't want to think about shit for a good portion of time, bc it turns me into a person I don't like. I hate being bitter, negative, depressed, what have you; it's hard not to be with things happening recently. Let me have this small bit of happiness. Let me enjoy having alone time with an old childhood activity I haven't experienced in years, without feeling alone and needy for another person's attention. I don't get that satisfied feeling of being by myself alot, bc thoughts make being alone, a terrifying thing.

[jintaru]

I'm in bed for once before 10am, with my heater blasting, cuddled with my cat underneath the covers, along with the sound of rain outside, which is fine, it helps me relax. I just hope tomorrow/tonight will be better than today/last night, bc people were irritating me to the point that I was glad to take VTO orz Anyways, time for sleep and happy dreams~

[jintaru]

Falls back asleep for a nap bc my heater is blasting and I'm super comfy under my blankets and pillows

[jintaru]

I’m disassociating really badly, I might need to go on hiatus again if I keep losing my head. I’ll probably be like this for awhile because I keep getting lost in my mind a lot since a little over a week ago and nothing seems to be helping me. Work doesn’t help either unfortunately and it just makes me wish I were home, not awake. Sorry if I don’t talk a lot for a bit or if I seem down. I don’t want to trouble others with my issues. It’s happened time and time again and I’m tired. Very tired. Sorry, it’s me, not anyone else. If I manage to open up about anything, please know it’s bc I really trust you with how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t want to be told ‘I don’t like you when you act this way for A and B reasons’, bc that just makes me not want to say anything to anyone. It hurts a lot to be told that, bc it takes a lot of courage to say just one goddamn sentence to a person and open up to them, bc I feel safe enough to, and logically I realize I act irrationally with a fear of being abandoned by people I care about and it gets bad to a point that I feel pathetic, helpless and desperate to keep them in my life. I’m an emotional person, I get it. When you get hurt a lot, constantly over issues that are similar, you begin thinking ‘this is going to keep happening..isn’t it? Something’s wrong with me, isn’t there? What do I do? What CAN I do?’ Then it’s just ‘hello anxiety, depression and irrational fear.’ Shit’s scary for me right now. REALLY fucking scary. If I could, I just wish I could get hugged to death bc words of affirmation and hugs sound so great. I appreciate people who try to send words of encouragement and kindness my way. I really do, even if I don’t voice myself enough on it. I just want to know I’m valued, that I can get treated with just as much positive warmth that I’ve tried to give, you know? I’m just tired of people using me and then leaving me behind like I meant absolutely nothing and it makes me tired to even TRY to make bonds with anybody bc what’s the fucking point?? Being ignored like I don’t exist is painful. People wonder why I’m like this, and honestly, it’s people who fucking did it to me in the first place. I can be in control of my behavior, but feelings and how others treat me, are things I can’t control.

[jintaru]

Haven’t slept in over 24 hours I think I’m tired enough to konk out right away and not wake up, or at least not think about things to send me into another panic attack. Just things are changing and I’ve become numb, but I haven’t seen the last of crying, so I should go do that now before sleeping for work. If I just don’t seem enthusiastic for a certain time, I’ve just lost the will to want to be bc of shit people. I’m not even going to have a full day’s work bc I’m going home early. I’m not in my right mind, and I won’t be for awhile. Thank you friends who were concerned/are still concerned, it means a lot to know I’m not by myself facing what I’m facing. I’m sorry for any trouble.

[jintaru]

Sleeps for the next 4 years Wake me up when we don’t have an orange shit stain as president