#ihavetowrite

[ihavetowrite-blog]

one of my biggest fears in life is to hear inspirational words and not be moved to action by them

[lookastar-blog]

I'm so undeniably human.

[sweetlifeandsunsets-blog]

So today, my dad brought home those lottery scratch card things, he used to buy me those when i was little because he thought i had "good luck". I won a couple of times back then.. good times. I didn't win anything today though, and he seemed in shock. Sorry dad. maybe next time. I told him we should buy those $1 dollar ones so we don't loose too much money. We can buy 5 of those. At least we have 5 chances. I guess i'm going to start doing those. But those scratch cards are addicting. and so are other things like cigarettes and alcohol. My dad is a victim of addiction to all of that. I've done all of them and cant get addicted to anything. I think god is telling me something, and has another plan for me rather than getting sucked into an addiction. But gosh, Every time i talk about my dad, i always get emotional because honestly, i know he's there. Here comes the tears. He's here physically but not in spirit. His spirit left a while ago, i don't know where it went but i miss it so much. It comes and goes when it wants to. The rare times it comes i try to enhance it somehow, bring up memories, and then here he comes with the bottle, and hes out. I wish you were here though dad, because when i fight with the other people living here, i need you there to back me up sometimes, i know you want to you just try to act like its not happening. Well it is, and i kinda need you here now more then ever. I'm getting older now, and since your still here, i would like you to be in my life more. I might need your advice for some things. I know your one of the most intelligent men ever. Especially with people. I want you to approve my husband when i get married, and hug my kids when i have them. I want them to know your humbleness and your humor and your love. I try not to talk about you at all honestly but i'm blocking out a huge part of my life and its like your waiting to die. why ? Your still here so can you just try to be apart or make things better. You probably think its too late but its really not. Its never too late to make things better. If only i can say this shit to your face..But if that's how you want it to be i cant stop you. I secretly hope that you'll come around one day. I can always have faith right? i wonder if someone is going through what i am.. their probably dealing with it the same way i am..but whats the point for waiting for a funeral? why not make memories while were still at the same place? (  ._.)