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it still hurts.. and I still love him...

The one that got away..

I dated my best friend, I knew him since high school. He was a wonderful guy. He was handsome, smart, charming, and funny. His smile always made me melt like butter. To those who have been in love with their best friend and have never been given the chance to be with them. I'm sorry you never got the chance. In my case. I did get that chance. Although life happened and we had to end it. In a positive way of course. We are still best friends. But after that, you try dating someone else. I know I did. I thought it would last. I was with this man for a year but as it would appear. The relationship was lacking. It was to a point where I realized. I wasn't over my best friend. I thought I was. It turns out. I really wasn't. I wasn't happy. I just got out of that relationship quite recently. I was sad at first but I think it was more of the feeling of a breakup and less of losing him. But near the end. I was wishing for my best friend. I wanted him back. I wanted him to love me again. Hear him call me, "babe". I even accidentally called him that when we were playing Left 4 Dead 2. Which is "our game". We only play it with each other. When I called him that, I don't think he understood that I called him that. Maybe he didn't hear me. Maybe he did and thought I was talking to my boyfriend at the time. Who btw didn't hear me because he walked right out of the room to talk to my brother. My best friend hadn't heard clarified whether or not he heard me. I caught myself back in my past with him. Playing video games together.. Spending nights with him. Even if was rare because I'm a mom. We only spent the night at each other's when my daughter was with her dad. But I treasure those memories. I even treasure the moments before we became a couple. I often told myself that I should have dated him in high school but, I wouldn't have had my little girl so.. Regrets aside, I'm glad to have her. Anyway, I was so happy with him. We had our dramas. All couples do. We only had one major fight and that was when we almost lost each other not only as a boyfriend & girlfriend but as a best friend... We cried. He cried for me.. I cried for him. We didn't wanna lose each other.. Especially as best friends.... Quite recently, I went back home to San Diego, CA. I live in WA state now. I went back home for my 25th birthday. I was super trashed the night we went clubbing.. And all I talked about that night was him. My drunk ass even sent voice messages to him through Facebook messenger. It was bad and I apologized to him. I had a boyfriend at the time and even though I didn't physically cheat on him even though he still thinks I did. I emotionally cheated on him. I wasn't invested into my relationship with him anymore so we ended up breaking up. I'm currently single and I believe it should stay that way. I haven't been single in years. I know my daughter needs me to be single. But now all I wish for is my best friend. I never knew what he saw in me. I don't think I'm that pretty. I'm average at the very least. I have adult acne. I'm overweight for my height of 4'11. I have a mother's scarred and stretched belly. I have dark skin discoloration in places I'd rather not mention. I'm very dumb. I will never understand why he thought me attractive at all. But him... He has a beautiful smile that lights up a room. A personality that can make anyone like him. He is so smart. He has such beautiful dark eyes. I love his body even before he started exercising. I have no idea what it looks like now. I'd like to know. Lol. He's so funny..he makes me laugh and I love his sense of humor. I love his voice. I love almost everything about him. I feel like I took him for granted. I was a fool to let him go. I know our breakup was mutual but it feels like it ended too soon. He is the only guy that I wish to have back. Not a guy I dated 3 times & who ppl thought I was gonna end up with. Not even my whack ass ex who fathered my little lady. Him. My best friend... The one that got away.. He knows I love him. He knows that deep down I'll always love him. No matter what. I still talk to him as I always have. It will hurt when and if he finds someone new. But when you're in love with your best friend. You support them in anything that makes them happy. Even if it means never being able to have them. Er.. In my case. Have them back. I feel as if I'll never be happy with any other guy unless it's with him. If he finds someone else or doesn't want to be with me. Then I will do my best to move on. Even if it means moving on without him. Sigh.. The struggle of loving your best friend. Is so real... Now in the almost 2 years that passed since we broke up. I look forward to every message, everything he posts from his photography to his profile pictures. I look forward to hearing his voice again on the other end of the Steam call while playing L4D2. I look forward to the day he comes back to WA for a little bit to see his family. (he's in the air force) I hope that when he does, even for a short time. I can just see him one more time...

#theonethatgotaway #inlovewithmybestfriend #Illalwayslovehim #heartbroken