before I lose my mind....
I never know how to start so i'm just gonna start blabbing.
I feel so..... actually I don't even know what exactly I'm feeling.
But one thing for sure: I'm so annoyed of myself. Even when I'm with people I enjoy being with, I find myself annoying. I find myself regretting that I spoke and they have to listen to the stupid random useless shit I say. I see people drifting away. I see how we try to act close, but in reality, I know nothing about them and they know nothing of me. It's strange....that I find myself trying to talk to people to get to know them when in truth, they don't give a damn about you and frankly, you don't really much care either. Maybe that's why I don't have a lot of close friends.
I worry about the stupidest stuff. I used to be so indifferent to judgement. And I still am. But at the same time, that took a slight toll. Whenever I find myself in an emotional turmoil, this always comes up. I find myself worrying what others think of me. But then why should I care? Why should I care about people judging me if I'm happy with myself?
And then I realized....I'm not happy with myself. I know I usually try to look on the bright side and be optimistic, but then I realize that I have to think realistically too. I see myself sometimes as a failure because I get compared to other people so much. I don't feel good enough because my grades aren't perfect, my life is a mess, and I don't know what I want.
I guess that's the problem. I don't know what I want. I always think to myself "go with the flow," but I didn't know that you need some sort of structure to hold you up if anything happens. I didn't know that. Maybe that's why I'm just an emotional mess. I find myself to be so screwed up. Sometimes I don't even care if I hurt someone or realize how much I've hurt them.
I know I need to change. But at this point, I don't know what to do.
And I don't even think that's the only problem I have.
I don't know... I'm just a big ball of mess.
