#illi whining

[illivandra]

I rly love going through my archives and seeing how much livelier I was just a year ago.

Lemme tell you, college can destroy you if you’re not ready for it. And I sure as shit wasn’t ready to go back. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back at this point if it literally drains me of my heart and soul and everything that makes me a likable person. :|

[illivandra]

some thoughts I’ve been having the last couple days

I know, at least some point after this move, I have to go back to Georgia. I have to try my best to let myself heal right now where I am and stop constantly beating myself up over past mistakes. But I earnestly have to go back and tie up all the loose ends I’ve had up there, that includes finishing college, however long that takes. I just can’t destroy myself with that workload again so, that includes not going anywhere close to the speed I could when I was younger.

I’m hoping I can find and stablize myself again with this break from life I’m taking. I don’t know what’s going to happen after that but those are the mid-term goals now. 

[illivandra]

is it weird to ask for promos? I need to make some $$$ before next saturday to buy a reptile rack because one of my snakes were burned by its UTH. I can’t have that happening again.

[illivandra]

tomorrow’s my birthday and i feel like i should care more but....im just getting old.

[illivandra]

inktober starts tomorrow.

....im gonna do it.

[illivandra]

I’m getting really tired for busting my ass at the gym for 6 months and not seeing any difference. I don’t like being this big. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself from just two years ago at, literally, half this size. 

I hate that I have to constantly fucking patch my clothes because I can’t afford new ones and even if I could I’d be too ashamed of the size to buy them anyway. 

I hate that I can’t afford new bras because to get one that fits right and isn't going to fall apart on you in a week runs me up to $60. I hate having breasts this big, especially in a world where nothing affordable caters to them. If I could just chop them off I would. They don’t even look that great anyway. 

My fucking hair’s a mess all the time because, hey, natural hair takes a lot of time to maintain and a lot of money for products. I could just shave my head again but I like having hair. It makes me look smaller than I actually am.

I’m just tired of hating the body that I’m in right now and I’m actively trying to fix that but nothing. Just nothing. I just want something to happen. I’ll keep going to the gym though. I’ll keep eating “right”. People keep telling me I’ll see a difference. I’ve lost 45 lbs once before and that’s only adding to the frustration. I’ve done this before. I should be able to do it again but nothing’s happening. 

It’s nice when people tell me I’m pretty. That’s really nice and I can sure pull off “pretty” but I can’t handle actively looking at myself every day and feeling like they’ve missed the chance to see me when I was beautiful.

[illivandra]

Im torn between shelling out $150 for a flat iron + proper natural hair products and just relaxing my hair again. The only thing about relaxing my hair is that it makes me look about 4x heavier than i already am.

[illivandra]

Its so weird going to bed without Tonto.